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Original poster

Child sex offender

290 replies

okeydonkey · 07/07/2014 11:53

I can't believe Im actually writing this. I found out my sister, who has two children from previous relationship, has been seeing a man who is on the child sex offenders register. He was caught downloading child porn on a work computer. My sister is saying there's a fine line and he didn't know the girls were under age. I'm sickened. AIBU to feel like she's trying to pull wool over my eyes. As he's done so with her.

OP posts:
RustyParker · 07/07/2014 19:22

Sounds like you've had some bad advice from this helpline. It seems as though you are in shock (understandly) and want to get your straight before jumping in. Unfortunately, time is not your friend here and your DN need you to act NOW. Better to be wrong now than proved right later. If you are still unsure about calling SS or the police (and I think you should call them) then maybe call the NSPCC for advice?

hamptoncourt · 07/07/2014 19:22

OP you do know you have to call SS don't you? Your DN is already unhappy - are you seriously just going to leave this as it is?

RustyParker · 07/07/2014 19:23

*head straight

everythingsgoingsouth · 07/07/2014 19:24

ring your local police station, right now and get some clarity. you're head must be spinning.

Davidtennantmistress · 07/07/2014 19:31

One question, would you leave your own child with this man now you know what you do?

I assume the answer is no, in which case why is your dn any less important to protect, she is not; you have a duty to speak to the police at least for peace of mind, your sister maybe right, however she may be minimising to protect him.

How long has he been with her? Of course he loves her if he can potentially be exposed to a child. :(

Children's instincts about adults are generally correct it's sad to say but if the child feels threatened or insecure in their home please speak to someone. Tell the child your door is always open they can always come to you as well, go through the whole private parts area etc conversations again, you must protect the innocent child in all of this. Your sister, I'm afraid to say if she chooses this man that's her choice but her child doesn't have to suffer as well. This is serious and should not be minimised.

There is no acceptable way to say he is reformed no courses will stop someone from having the urges, an alcoholic as described before will always have the urge to drink and will always be walking the tight rope of relapsing. It is not something I would ever out my child in the danger of. Never. Protect your children and your dn.

Original poster
okeydonkey · 07/07/2014 19:31

I've phoned police. They have given me a number to call tomorrow to get more information on him and I can give his name. They are shut now.
The police lady was so nice and shocked when I said its being minimised.
I'm not doing anything yet as she's not with him over next few days.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 07/07/2014 19:34

I know someone like your sister, I have met him and he is a lovely man who made a mistake while looking at porn and got sent all sorts of awful things which he deleted but because they were still somewhere random in the pc he got done. I have dealt with SS over it and his monitoring officer from the child protection team as I have a lot to do with her and her kids.

There are very different levels of offender and very different conditions placed on people who offend. My friends partner has no restrictions over where he goes like parks swimming etc but has to be supervised with his own children.

Please do not jump to the worst conclusions because they may not be the case. Talk to your sister as this man's child protection officer will have been in touch with her and there will be a protection plan in place to protect her children.

If you are concerned then contact social care in your area and alert them but don't be surprised if they are already fully aware.

Davidtennantmistress · 07/07/2014 19:35

Bomber, it is not porn, porn is consenting adults. Anything else children, severe porn etc etc it is abuse, it is not porn.

A child has no say in it. They are victims. Sorry but it's highly emotive for me as my partner is a survivor from childhood. I see the damage it has on adults.

When will people understand the adults who do this are vulgar despicable and should be damn well stuck on an island together.

IAmNotAMindReader · 07/07/2014 19:35

Ring the police and social services. The one thing ringing bells here for me is what your nephew has said. He may be unhappy at someone new in his life but more importantly he may be unable to articulate the uncomfortable feeling he is getting from being groomed.
If everyone around you is minimising then its possible he may have targeted the family.

wheresthelight · 07/07/2014 19:35

Also not all social care restrictions are court sanctioned many are purely agreements within the family

PolterGoose · 07/07/2014 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAMindReader · 07/07/2014 20:00

Good to see you have contact the police hopefully you can get this sorted and minimise the risk to those involved.

missmargot · 07/07/2014 20:02

Well done for being so concerned about her DCs' safety OP, it's great that they have you looking out for them.

How does your sister know this about her partner? Did he tell her about his past? I'm wondering whether that is 'all' he has done or whether it was actually something even more serious but he prefers to get in first with his version of events.

LarrytheCucumber · 07/07/2014 20:16

I rang NSPCC for advice about a child protection issue and they rang the Police for me. That made it easier because if NSPCC were willing to ring the Police on my behalf I knew I was doing the right thing. They also rang SS.

JumpRope · 07/07/2014 20:18

Has anyone verified hat is why he's on the register in the first place? How did evert phone find out he is on it?

littlewhitebag · 07/07/2014 20:22

The Police will be able to verify any conditions that apply to him. A disclosure may need to be made to your sister so she understands exactly what his offences are. This would usually be done by SS. You have set the wheels in motion and once you speak to the police tomorrow they can take any action needed.

Boomeranggirl · 07/07/2014 20:52

You are being a really good aunt okeydonkey by not letting this lie. You will be able to look your nephew in the eye when he is older and say that you did what needed to be done for him. It's criminal that others out there can't say the same and let children down so horribly. Good on you.

Please, please keep going with this. A little boy's life is in your hands. That sounds dramatic but quite frankly this situation is that serious!

Please let us know what happens, I'll be worrying about this child now until we know he's completely safe.

phantomnamechanger · 07/07/2014 21:04

does your DSis not listen to the news OP? is she aware of a recent very high profile case where many many people thought the perpetrator (RH) was a really lovely man?

these people are expert at pulling the wool over peoples eyes. they target women with children, women who are yearning for a "lovely man" who will take them and their DC on. women who cant believe their luck when they find one who declares his love really early on. who think they are living their dream romance and so their guard is down. you are very right to be concerned. your sister is being foolish and naïve.

todayisnottheday · 07/07/2014 21:06

What your sister says may well be true, or it may not. You can't know and neither can she. Therefore the only thing you can do is report your concerns to the local child protection team in the police force and to social services.

The sex offenders register covers a multitude of things and someone with knowledge has to make the decisions. Fwiw I know someone who had a very similar situation to the one in the op, he is considered no threat and has no restrictions on his access to children so it's not impossible (and yes I really do know that for a fact before someone jumps on me!)

Original poster
okeydonkey · 07/07/2014 21:14

I've read the newspaper reports on google. It says he's not seen as a threat and has suspended sentence.
I will update when I've spoken to police etc but I can't give too specific information

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 07/07/2014 21:17

Well done OP, glad you called the police.

That other helpline doesn't sound right.

There's not enough info to start feeling reassured, or minimising/ excusing, and that should never be the default position. Horrifying.

Nofoollikeanoldone · 07/07/2014 21:19

okeydonkey - I have been where your sister is, only I married him.

Men like him really are predators. He will have groomed her, minimised everything, and made her head spin. His lies will be so convincing and she really will fall for everything he tells her. She won't be able to associate the man she loves with the man who has done something as heinous as this.

Yes, she is being foolish and naïve - I was and am certainly paying for it now.

Please, please go to social services with this. Stop it now before it goes any further, before people get seriously hurt indeed. Before she ends up like me.

SquigglySquid · 07/07/2014 21:24

And she said its my sister choice who she tells when I asked if my inlaws should know.

Uhm. No.

It's not your sisters choice when it comes to a child's safety.

Secrets about harm or potential harm to someone are not secrets you should keep.

randomAXEofkindness · 07/07/2014 21:25

I know someone like your sister, I have met him and he is a lovely man who made a mistake while looking at porn and got sent all sorts of awful things which he deleted but because they were still somewhere random in the pc he got done...[he] has to be supervised with his own children... Please do not jump to the worst conclusions because they may not be the case.

Wheresthelight, I'm sorry but this does not sit well with me at all. If it was proven that he had merely "made a mistake" downloading legal porn then surely he wouldn't have been forced to sign the sex offenders register and surely he wouldn't be required to be supervised with his own children. So I imagine that this "mistake" business is the excuse being peddled by the offender himself? Sounds like bollocks I'm afraid.

Standinginline · 07/07/2014 21:28

I hate to say this but I think I would inform Social Services. Shame on your sister for even considering having this bloke around her children.