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Child sex offender

290 replies

okeydonkey · 07/07/2014 11:53

I can't believe Im actually writing this. I found out my sister, who has two children from previous relationship, has been seeing a man who is on the child sex offenders register. He was caught downloading child porn on a work computer. My sister is saying there's a fine line and he didn't know the girls were under age. I'm sickened. AIBU to feel like she's trying to pull wool over my eyes. As he's done so with her.

OP posts:
stooshe · 12/07/2014 11:18

Social workers are human, too (meaning fallible). The social worker who lives opposite me, left her then young, teenage children (still at school) at home, alone for two weeks about eleven years ago and the food ran out at about day ten. They knocked on my then neighbour's door (who went to their school and was a few years older) for food, that's how we found out.

So do not take the fact that your mother was in CP "for years" as any kind of salve. She is digging her head in the sand by virtue of her ignoring you. That in and of itself is too defensive an action. She in all of her "wisdom" has allowed herself to be groomed. She has no use now. It's on you, and you do not need any permission to call the SS.

Abuse prevails because of self interest. "Self Interest" ranges from the very human emotions of "needs" and "wants" to " anything for a quite life", "it's none of my business" to plain old selfishness and materialism and straight up abuse.

I know that you do not want to fall out with your mother, but you already have. Can you not see that your sister's boyfriend's manipulation is working and in full effect? No abuser on God's Green Earth doesn't thrive off of confusion and disorder. But you have to ignore that , or else he has won. You have no need to fall into the "selfish" end of the "self interest" spectrum... not when you are the only adult in this situation who can advocate on behalf of your nephew.

Phone the police and the SS. They may be rubbish, too (as is my experience), but you have to be able to look your nephew in the eye. Abuse victims often hate the double betrayal of nobody standing up for them as much as the actual abuse itself.

LegoSuperstar · 12/07/2014 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/07/2014 12:04

Whatever the reason is, your mum hasn't reported him. So stop waiting for her to do it and phone SS yourself.

notapizzaeater · 12/07/2014 12:31

What an awful thing to have to do. Is your mum responding today ?

KateSMumsnet · 12/07/2014 13:09

We're just going to move this out of AIBU an into a more appropriate topic OP Flowers

MaryWestmacott · 12/07/2014 13:48

OP - I can see why you'd defer to your mum's judgement on this, however worth noting, I've met Social Workers and Teachers who've worked with really bad cases, who've had their view of 'normal' warped by it.

It could be your mum is used to seeing children badly hurt/abused/neglected, that she can't see this as that bad, because DN hasn't been hurt/abused, is healthy and well fed, she doesn't see her DD is being a bad mother, she's doing better than the sort of cases your mum is used to, that doesn't mean compared to 'normal' this is ok.

Call SS yourself, let them make the judgement.

oh and can everyone stop being too hard on the OP, she's raised concerns with her Dsis and called the police, she's not done nothing - just one more thing OP, call SS.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/07/2014 15:58

I'd make that call to ss, family can be too close to see clearly in these circs, and you can't rely on others picking up the slack on this, it's too important.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you, I'm so sorry Flowers

OpiesOldLady · 12/07/2014 22:11

I don't think anyone is being overly harsh on the OP at all.

She's done remarkably well, getting so far.

I think its because we can all see what needs doing, in order to safeguard these children, and it's frustrating that although OP has done so much, she feels this is a step she can't take. We're all rooting for her.

Hope you're ok this evening, OP.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/07/2014 16:33

Just wondered if there was any update.

okeydonkey · 15/07/2014 20:16

Hi
I've not contacted SS because the police are aware if him being with my sis etc. I know some of you have strong views about this but I'm taking out of my hands.
I've not spoken to her or my mum since. I'm feeling better, less anxious.
I've spoken to ex p who is distraught.

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 15/07/2014 20:20

Did you tell the police? If so, well done OP.

And it's great that the ex p knows, too.

Horrible situation for you. I hope she wises up soon and ditches him.

okeydonkey · 15/07/2014 20:25

Yeah I spoke to nice sergeant at the central referral unit. He couldn't disclose info but he said what my sis had told me was correct. And she knows everything and they know the kids are around and he's being monitored, it's all been done by the book. Hence not phoning SS.
I'm wiping my hands of it now. Getting on with my life and if mum or sis make contact I will take it from there.

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 15/07/2014 20:32

Good for you. Hope you're ok and your DNs too.

OpiesOldLady · 15/07/2014 20:52

I'm actually a little disappointed to read your update.

You've done so well, but I fear relying on the police to actually talk to SS is a mistake. And one that could end badly for everyone.

But, I can understand why you have chosen not to do anything more.

I hope things work out for you all, especially DN.

SiennaBlake · 15/07/2014 20:56

That's a very disappointing update. At least with contacting SS, they would be aware the dc was in contact with a SO and so any further reports to them should he show worrying behaviour at school etc would be looked at more seriously. Without that piece of the puzzle, that won't happen.

How lovely that you can wipe your hands of your DNs safety so easily. For the sake of a phone call. You should be ashamed.

LondonRocks · 15/07/2014 21:03

Ignorant here, but don't the police contact SS?! Whatever happened to joined-up working?!!

OpiesOldLady · 15/07/2014 21:23

Not as a matter of course, London. They would if they thought there was a safeguarding issue, but OP has told them she doesn't think the children are in danger.

okeydonkey · 15/07/2014 22:16

Wow SienaBlake I suggest you fuck off.

OP posts:
okeydonkey · 15/07/2014 22:17

They are not my responsibility and it's not my place to protect them.

OP posts:
okeydonkey · 15/07/2014 22:19

I've had enough of it and yes you have read my posts but you don't actually know the reality of the situation and how I've felt etc. It's very easy to sit on a forum and speculate.

OP posts:
OpiesOldLady · 15/07/2014 22:24

Whats the matter OP, did she touch a nerve? I hope so.

You do realise, don't you, that if it ever comes out that your DN has, god forbid, been abused by this man, and has to be removed from his home if his mother cannot/willnot protect him, he will have to go into foster care because all SS will see are a family who colluded with an abuser instead of doing everything they could to keep the child safe? That will include you. You will not be deemed a safe person to look after him, because you did nothing.

C'mon OP, your nephew has told you he preferred it before this man came on the scene. This should be a huge red flag - why the feck isn't it?

Please, all it would take is a quick phone call. Hell, you could do it anonymously if need be. Just do it.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/07/2014 22:24

^They are not my responsibility and it's not my place to protect them*

Totally disagree. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. And it's totally why children get missed.

OpiesOldLady · 15/07/2014 22:26

They are not your responsibility? Jesus wept.

Well, I hope you can live with yourself OP. And look your DN in the eye. He doesn't stand a fucking chance, does he?

okeydonkey · 15/07/2014 22:28

She didn't touch a nerve, she just didn't have to say it quite so rudely there's no need.
I find it quite frustrating that people say whatever they like over a forum and not in real life. It's a bug bear of mine.

OP posts:
okeydonkey · 15/07/2014 22:32

Come on I've done it, I've made the right phonecalls and noises
I've seen my counsellor and she agreed to stay out of it.
I've got my info. The police are already involved, they are based in an area that is involved in MASH. Joint up sharing of info. They know his conditions and they know that my sis has kids.
I've been through a lot to protect them

OP posts: