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Original poster

Child sex offender

290 replies

okeydonkey · 07/07/2014 11:53

I can't believe Im actually writing this. I found out my sister, who has two children from previous relationship, has been seeing a man who is on the child sex offenders register. He was caught downloading child porn on a work computer. My sister is saying there's a fine line and he didn't know the girls were under age. I'm sickened. AIBU to feel like she's trying to pull wool over my eyes. As he's done so with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
okeydonkey · 11/07/2014 13:12

From what I gather they see each other when kids in bed and one day at weekend with kids.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 11/07/2014 13:17

there is a lot to be said for being able to look your DN in the eye in 20 years time and say "I did everything I could."

OpiesOldLady · 11/07/2014 13:18

Then he has plenty of opportunity to be alone with your DN.

Please please contact SS. They are the best people to determine if he is safe to be around your DN.

You come across as loving your family very much indeed. Sometimes doing the right thing isn't always the easiest thing to do.

YouTheCat · 11/07/2014 13:19

Are you able to alert your DN's school? It might help for him to have someone that he feels confident to talk to.

OpiesOldLady · 11/07/2014 13:21

Actually, thinking about it OP, why not give the NSPCC a ring? And encourage your nephew to ring childline so he has someone to talk to, too.

PeterParkerSays · 11/07/2014 14:31

OP, print a copy of this thread, put it in an envelope and have it as a record for DN in years to come so you can show what you did to safeguard them if you need it.

Please do contact SS. If there is no concern, they will close the case. If there is concern, you will have done a great thing for your DN.

I'm sorry about your relationship with your DSis and DM. You don't want them coming back in time saying "sorry, you were right", god forbid, but whatever the outcome, you are completely doing the right thing now.

SiennaBlake · 11/07/2014 14:36

If you choose your relationship with your sister over the safety of your DN, then you are doing the same as your sister, putting your own needs first. I don't mean that in a harsh way, just a truthful one. It's difficult but someone needs to put these children first and it sounds like it's going to have to be you.

prh47bridge · 11/07/2014 14:43

Coming late to this thread. Just to pick up on the firewall comments, it is not true that every company has firewall protection. Every company should have that but many smaller companies don't. Even if there is a firewall in place he hasn't necessarily disabled it. Many are designed purely to stop external attacks on the company's network and do not prevent employees from accessing porn or other dodgy sites. Those firewalls that do offer this functionality are dependent on a database classifying websites. These databases are not comprehensive so users can often still access dodgy websites just because they haven't been classified (or occasionally because they've been classified incorrectly).

Having said all that, as someone who has been heavily involved in child protection I think you are doing the right things. His version of events does not ring true to me.

Jux · 11/07/2014 15:21

Okeydonkey, please call SS. Please. As a child I was abused by a teacher - not sexually, nothing as bad as that. What I couldn't understand was why, when everyone in the family - parents, gps, aunts and uncles - knew about it, why the hell nobody did anything about it. It still rankles, it had such a profound effect on my life, started when I was 6 and went on until I was 12.

Even the little I suffered in comparison to what may come your dn's way put me on a path I am unable to get off. The effects of it are still there.

Please please please do what you can. Phone SS.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/07/2014 15:27

You are under NO OBLIGATION to keep his 'secret', end of!!!!! And no one has the right to demand that. You need to enlist the help of anyone/everyone who may be in a position to either assist you or monitor your DN.

In the end, you want to be able to rest your head on your pillow and know you did everything you could.

nomdemere · 11/07/2014 15:42

I would be horrified if one of DC's friends parents knew their partner had a child abuse conviction and did not tell me. Equally so for anyone else who knew - family members like yourself, OP. How would I be able to protect my child visiting their house if I didn't know?

And, if I did know, there is not a chance in hell that my DC would EVER go to their house. I don't think I would allow the friendship at all tbh, because there would be the possibility it could be used to open up a chink of opportunity.

Original poster
okeydonkey · 11/07/2014 22:22

I know if my sis found out a friend or me for that matter, was with someone with a child abuse conviction, she would be horrified so she's only not because she's brain washed. Im going to try my mum again tomorrow and also make my mind up about telling SS.

OP posts:
Boomeranggirl · 11/07/2014 22:35

prh47bridge if he is using a remote desktop function presumable accessed through a cloud computing facility, which it sounds like he is by logging on remotely to the company's databases then I would say that it is very highly probable that the company would have a firewall protection setup. I would sack the provider if they didn't!

I woud be very very surprised if he didnt have to override the system to access dodgy sites given that the majority of virus attacks come from porn sites. Also it doesn't have to rely solely on a list of banned site addresses. Sounds a bit geeky but there are programs that detect the percentage of skin tones within pictures with an aim of detecting porn (or abuse images). PORNSweeper was an early version of this but did make quite a few mistakes, the Mona Lisa being flagged as porn for one! I believe technology has moved on a lot since it was launched. Anyway we digress into a techno geeky debate! How he did it probably isn't as important as the fact that he did do it and was caught.

OP I think that the ExP is probably your best bet in getting this sorted out properly. You need to have a good long chat with him and discuss the best way to protect the little lad. I'm assuming he has parental rights?

I'm genuinely shocked your mum isn't taking this more seriously given her background and that is her grandchild you are talking about. Some people really manage to maintain a staggering sense of denial.

LondonRocks · 11/07/2014 22:36

Don't keep this man's secrets. You may live to regret it.

Berryglitter · 11/07/2014 22:44

I completely agree with Sienna. You need to do something now, not have a conversation then think. Do it now. All the time you leave it whilst knowing, you're neglecting the issue.

OpiesOldLady · 11/07/2014 22:50

OP. Please, please get SS involved.

If you don't get them involved now, and god forbid, your DN are abused by this man, then they are likely to end up in the care system. They wouldn't be placed with family because you would be seen by SS to have colluded in keeping this mans secret and not kept the children safe.

It wouldn't surprise me at all for this situation to be taken to a case conference and your DN to be placed on the child protection register as being at risk of sexual abuse.

Please be proactive here. Go to them, work with them, protect your DN. Please.

Whats worse... your Sister and mother being angry, or you DN being abused?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/07/2014 22:56

If you choose your relationship with your sister over the safety of your DN, then you are doing the same as your sister, putting your own needs first

^ This. How would you feel if you found out that your DN was being abused by this man and you didn't do anything? Children need protecting and you are going to have to be the one to take that step and phone SS to ensure this happens.

Your sister could lose her children.

Berryglitter · 11/07/2014 22:57

Sorry to post again but this has actually made me feel quite emotional. I love my siblings beyond love but if this was a situation in my family i would have called ss, the police etc asap to at least get things on the radar. I wouldn't care if my mum hated me or something causing a family spat. I'd care more about my innocent nieces and nephews.

Ignoring it is neglect. I'm sorry to be harsh but it is. It's almost as bad as the actual act. I couldn't sit there and wait it out. Those kids could be going through hell even if you think they wouldn't be left alone with him you also think she's been brainwashed. Adult up!!!

differentnameforthis · 12/07/2014 01:44

YOU have sat on this for a week. Several pleas from pp asking you to report to SS, yet you are still holding out for that one conversation with your mum, who isn't even talking to you right now. Come on!!

This is a child's life that you are colluding to potentially ruin. You know in your self that there is something wrong. If this was my sister, I couldn't care less about my relationship with her tbh. I would already be very angry with her for not listening & not seeing the harm she is potentially inflicting on my nephew.

Stay child focused, op.

If you don't speak to SS, and this guy does abuse your DN, could you cope with your DN being a potential abuser too?

Not all victims of child abuse go on to abuse themselves, but some do. Could you live with knowing you could have prevented that!

Do something op. Now you will use the 'they aren't open on the weekend' excuse to delay it even further.

Think of your DN. PLEASE!

Selks · 12/07/2014 01:59

I'm a social worker. You need to contact the police or social services to inform them of the situation. It's not for you or your sister to decide that things are probably ok and that he won't reoffend or be a risk to the children. The experts - police and s s are the ones to decide that.

I'm pretty horrified that the organisation you rang did not advise that, they certainly should have.

OP you have a duty to safeguard those children and report this, sorry.

OpiesOldLady · 12/07/2014 07:09

And just to say that even though it's the weekend, you can still ring SS. There will be a duty team working, and they will be able to deal with this.

This really is too big for you to deal with now. You owe it to your DN, hell, every child that he may come into contact with - even your own - to act.

Please.

hippo123 · 12/07/2014 08:00

op you have a duty of care here towards your nephew. It is not up to you, your mum or your sister to decide if this man is suitable to be around him. ring social services, or the nspcc have an excellent helpline 24 hours where adults can get advice. The fast majority of posters have told you similar yet you also seen to be burying your head in the sand. Please do it or you'll never forgive yourself. I have a great relationship with my sister but I would report the situation in these circumstances, as I'm sure she would me. It's called looking out for each other.

Original poster
okeydonkey · 12/07/2014 09:20

My mum was SW in CP for years. So I suppose I'm not acting quickly as she would have done it if she thought she had to.
I'm going to try talk to her today

OP posts:
SportsMixtureSweets · 12/07/2014 09:37

I am very sorry you have this to deal with. Have read everything on here and you truly are a very good person to not give up with this. Considering its all so close with family I have the upmost respect for you as I know just how difficult and heartbreaking it all can be.
Have been through something slightly similiar with a member of my husbands family and the battle to keep my children safe from this man when all around people were in denial was awful. I felt I was in the wrong so many times but in the end I 'won' and my children have no contact with him and all his family have accepted it, even though of course in the eyes of some I am/was overreacting. So many replies on here have really given me back some strength.

I hope you can remain strong and this nightmare has a positive ending. You are a very good and strong person and never forget that. I honestly can't find the words to say what I think of you for acting like you are. Keep strong and stay focused on the reason why you are doing this.

foslady · 12/07/2014 10:07

Have you thought your mum maybe just can't face the thought that her dd is now potentially like one of the horrific cases she dealt with hence the minimising? Maybe this is whyyou need todo it Or even scared of her ex workmates judging her?

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