Child sex offender

[okeydonkey]

I can't believe Im actually writing this. I found out my sister, who has two children from previous relationship, has been seeing a man who is on the child sex offenders register. He was caught downloading child porn on a work computer. My sister is saying there's a fine line and he didn't know the girls were under age. I'm sickened. AIBU to feel like she's trying to pull wool over my eyes. As he's done so with her.

I spend a lot of time in the magistrates' court which is where people who have downloaded images of child abuse make their first appearance before a court after they are charged. The number one explanation is always 'I downloaded them by accident.' I have heard this hundreds of times. I have never once seen an outcome where their excuse is proven to be true. What happens is the perpetrator eventually pleads guilty, or it goes to trial and the CPS prove they are talking an absolute load of rubbish.

I hope your sis sees sense xx

Is there a UK equivalent of our Megan's Law website? If so, have you checked it? It may or may not provide more information than you already know.

I agree with contacting Social Services. Again, since he really hasn't (as far as you know) done anything or been in violation of whatever restrictions he has (again as far as you know) they may not be able to do anything now. But at least it will put him on 'the radar' with SS in case something does happen. And I think your talking to the police has probably put him on their radar, too.

It's unfortunate when the offender's right to privacy trumps safety.

Actually Posy the American judicial system puts a great value on rehabilitation in cases where it is appropriate. But equal emphasis on letting the punishment fit the crime. Although lately I've seen some real doozies in lenient sentences. And in the state I live in, judges are appointed to the bench, however they do have to be re-elected after 12 years and are also subject to electoral recall. I've seen a few judges be recalled over my lifetime, one for gross judicial misconduct.

I think squiggly might be American, where the concept of rehabilitation is about as popular as the concept of banning firearms. In the UK we follow the idea that "the law exists to civilise our emotions of revenge." In the US they elect their judiciary, based as far as I can tell on who promises the best vengeance.

Actually, here in America, it's easier to get off the sex offender registry than it is to remove a DUI (driving under influence) from your driving record. Which for something like a 19 year old shagging a 16 year old I don't care about.

But pedophiles certainly shouldn't ever be allowed children no matter what their sex offender crime was. The consequence of reoffending are huge enough to justify making it illegal to be anywhere near children if you're on the registry.

It should also fall to the mother for failing to protect her child if she knew of such a risk. If I let my kid rock climb without equipment and he got hurt I'd be charged with neglect, why should taking a risk as big as letting a pedo in their midst be any different? These mothers are every bit as responsible as the abuser for turning a blind eye, and should be held accountable for it.

(The real problem with our justice system is the minimum sentencing laws around drugs, which are clogging up our courts and jails.)

okeydonkey Can you get exDP to call and make sure everything checks out? As the parents he does have the legal right to know everything about this man. He doesn't have to tell you confidential information, but he should at the very least have full understanding of the situation his son is in.

Thanks to across and squiggly for the update on American law - that's interesting to learn, thank you.

I am not infantalizing her. It is well known that abusers of this type will groom the whole family in order for them to be able to get away with their disgusting behaviour. Why do you think she has been so taken in? And her mum too?

So am I correct in saying that until he is alone with the child, he isn't perceived as a risk?

If so, the first time he is allowed (by the mother, or the mother's mother) to be alone with this child will be after months of grooming of both the mother & child. So he is a potential threat on that first first visit, but no one will see it. Even if he is left alone for 5 minutes, it is long enough to ruin that lads life, and therefore his whole families life in the matter of minutes.

Meanwhile he isn't just grooming the child, he's grooming, or worming his way into the lives of other families and children.

I doubt the OP's Sister is informing the parents of her children's friends of his convictions.

He only has to turn up to enough events, sports days, family oriented days out and he will be seen as a trusted member of society.

No none of her friend are to know, not my in laws etc either.
I didn't tell this initially as I didn't want to out myself but I've realised not many people know it seems so here goes.... I'm in more of a shock as my mum has worked in CP her whole life?!? But I don't think she knows how to handle this one...

Completely agree with Squiggley.

No sympathy for the sister at all. I don't care what anyone says - if you put a BLOKE ahead of your CHILDREN then you don't deserve to have children.

Best (?) case scenario- he's accessed child abuse images in his past but now he's not going to again and it's in his past and all children are going to be safe and not harmed, but he's still manipulating her into thinking it was accidental and anyone who thinks otherwise is a daily mail type person.

Worst case scenario - he accessed child abuse images and is going to offend again And thinking he will get away with it.

But there's no best case scenario obviously as I have no reason to know that 100% he won't do it again, or he won't access these images or he won't show the children porn or he won't groom them etc

Have you actually spoken to social services about this yet, OP?

My mum is not answering her phone to me. We've only had texts but she said in one text that she can explain all the procedures to me, i said i don't need to know the procedures, he's talking BS. I text saying aren't you worried bout GC. She's not replied.
I will try the stop it line again.
So no not having any RL help, my sis n mum have collaborated over this and still seem to be doing so. I'm going to contact her ExP.

Not spoken to SS I'm too scared of losing my sister for good

I know that's pathetic I totally know that

My DP is great but it's over his head like it is mine.

I have seen a counsellor I have used in the past so yes I have a space to talk, have seen her once since I found out, will see her again next week

I think you have to accept that your relationship with your sister is going to be damaged no matter what. She's taken the decision to put him above her DCs, you've got to step in. Call SS. They don't need to tell her the contact came from you.

Can you phone, not text, your mum and talk about it?

okeydonkey no advice except to say well done. I hope to god my Dsis would be as strong and brave for my kids. Keep going with this, you know that this is right.

okeydonkey - I know you're worried about losing your sister if you contact SS, but I can't help but wonder how you might feel if, in years to come it comes out that he has abused you DN? And if you don't involve SS, they will say that you colluded with him, in the fact that you knew and did nothing. (even though we all know how much you are doing)

Ring SS. Let them decide if he is suitable to be around your DN. The fact that your DN is deeply unhappy is a huge red flag - he may already be being abused.

If SS deem him fit to be around children, then you will know you've done everything you can. If not, then you may have saved him from being abused.