Welcome to the TWATS 2014. Please now list your categories and nominations.

[MalcolmTuckersMistress]

Well this is going to cause chaos and probably have no real conclusion to it but I did think that it at least deserves it's own thread.

1.) Please note, this thread is NOT for wenching in. I repeat NO WENCHING. Wenching must continues in the tavern threads only.

2.) NO DISCUSSION OF SANTIAGO AND FOOTBALL. You may nominate him but we don't need 36 pages of "OMGZ I LOVES HIM n his futbowl LOL LOL LOL!!!!111"

3.) Remember when nominating and making up categories that The Cardinal is sexier than any of the other male cast members.

That's fantastic and clearly a huge amount of work gone into it. I want to vote!!!

Ah! it looks great. Haven't been on here since last posted, but wow! What a difference. Lot easier to take in, now it's all been finished. Hopefully there will be good turn out!

It's a really good summary. Well done Trev and Madame. Lots of good memories.

I am particularly amused at lack of Ninonneenaw in female categories

Also, apologies for not helping this week, but a) I don't think it was required after all by looks of things, as finalisation already taken place b) I'd have been as much help as a fart in a jar. Can't concentrate on anything properly at mo for any length of time.

Trev - this is an excerpt from the script

I ordered you never to come back!
Where else should I turn when I am in grave danger?
You are banished for life on pain of execution! You tried to steal my throne! Now I'm obliged to cut off your head and place it on a spike for all Paris to ogle!
Come inside, Sire. Leave this to the Cardinal and Captain Treville.
Please, I beg of you! On my knees! In the name of the love you once bore me! I did love you.
And you betrayed me.
No! Your Majesty, the Queen is right. You must withdraw.
Abandon me now and I'll die! Someone is trying to kill me! Please!
How can she just appear like this?! Why does she insist on provoking me?! I suggest Your Majesty demonstrates his magnanimity by sparing her life.
How can I? She was warned. If she ever showed her face in Paris again I would cut off her head!
Decapitating one's mother is rarely popular with the people, Sire. It always looks a touch ungrateful.
The threat she faces must be very real if she's prepared to risk her life by coming here.
But we will find these assassins, Cardinal? I can't have people running around trying to kill my mother. Not unless I tell them to.

Ninon who?

Thanks everyone. Letus you are a legend although i'm now not sure it really qualifies as a funny line - yikes! Where did you get a script - are you really Jess Pope?
Right just tweaking then posting final draft. I think we have all the quotes correctly written and the correct episodes. Great team effort. all around.

Trev I just googled something like musketeers now I have to kill my mother and up it popped (not like that)

Awards for The Musketeers

Best use of a Random Prop

• Porthos duelling with fork (ep 1)
• Mother Superior lobbing brandy bombs (ep 9)
• Cardinal poisoned by knee bone (ep 7)
• Aramis fighting with books (ep 7)
• Athos sticking head in ice bucket (ep 1)

Twitchiest Vag / Wettest Knickers Moment

• Aramis shirtless in lake (ep 9)
• Aramis making a whhh-tshh! whipping noise (ep 3)
• Athos: “It would be our duty, and incidentally…our pleasure.” (ep 6)
• Athos: Alley snog scene with Milady. (ep 8)
• Dog and Connie go at it in the kitchen. (ep 7)
• Richelieu with his hand on Milady’s throat looking at her with LUSTY EYES. (ep 10)
• Porthos and Alice in bed, talking about the future. (ep 8)
• Treville: shouting at all the musketeers – “D’Artagnan is in prison because of you; friendless, alone. I hope you’re very proud. Dismissed!” (ep 2)

Best move with a Weapon

• Athos’s morning stretch with sword (ep 1)
• Milady holding dagger to Athos' throat (ep 3)
• Mother Superior reloading pistol like a gangsta (ep 9)
• Aramis jumping over wall while firing (ep 6)

Sexiest use of Clothing

• Cardinal in swishy cloak (all)
• Athos getting dressed and putting his hat on (ep 1)
• Dog in –-bon--bandage (ep 1)
• Aramis in grey billowy shirt, necklaces and braces (ep 8)
• Porthos in a sheet (ep 5)

Best Tits in a Corset

• Connie
• Milady
• Adele
• Queenie
• Queen Mum

Best Resting Bitch Face

• Milady
• Queenie
• Queen Mum
• Madame Bonnaire
• Mother Superior
• Flea

Best Bromance

• Aramis/Porthos: Treating Porthos’s injury (ep 3)
• Athos/Dog (spoken in the rain outside the prison): Athos – “what did I tell you about thinking before you act?” Dog – “I couldn’t help it, I’m not like you.” Athos – “You are. More than you know.” (ep 8)
• Treville/all four: Treville taking one for the team against Vinnie Jones (ep 8)
• Athos/Aramis: “So we’re good?” “Shout if you need me.” “Why would I need you?” (ep 9)
• Treville/Aramis: burying Marsac in the rain (ep 4)
• All of them: the “all for one” moment (ep 10)

Hottest Shouty Moment

• Athos: "I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH THE QUEEN!" (ep 9)
• Aramis: “WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? Don't you care about Porthos?” (ep 3)
• Porthos: “YOU LYING FILTHY SWINE!!!!” (ep 3)
• Treville: “Any of my musketeers could thrash any of your Red Guards at any time!” (ep 8)
• Dog: To the Cardinal – “What about Debarge? As a citizen of France I demand my rights!” (ep 8)

Best Punch

• Athos knocks Porthos out before surgery (ep 3)
• Aramis punches Treville (ep 4)
• Milady punches Constance (ep 10)
• Porthos’s fist fight in one of the competition heats (ep 8)

Funniest King Line

• “Being King is SO BORING!” (ep 6 )
• “Did she just refuse my company? Is that allowed?” (ep 7)
• “You are banished for life on pain of execution! You tried to steal my throne! Now I'm obliged to cut off your head and place it on a spike for all Paris to ogle!” (ep 6)
• “I went to Gascony once. It was full of sheep and hedges.” (ep 8)
• “What shall we do about this ‘melon-choly’ business?” (ep 5)

Funniest Anachronism or Continuity Error

• Dog: “I love it when a plan comes together.” (ep 6)
• Gallacher doing SWAT-style hand signals to his team (ep 9)
• Treville: “You three. My office. Now!” (ep 1)
• Musketeers apparently stop to load up with heavy cooking equipment while on run with Queenie (ep 9)
• Athos duelling in his trainers with Duke of Savoy (ep 4)

Best “got some dust in my eye” Moment

• Aramis cradling dying Sister Helene (ep 9)
• Constance telling Dog she doesn’t love him (ep 8)
• Drunk Athos visiting the hanging tree at his chateau and remembering his sad past (ep 3)
• Porthos with Charon in the Court of Miracles when Charon dies (ep 5)

Best Cardinal Facial Expression

• ‘Oh fuck, Queenie heard me admit my dastardly plans!’ shock face (ep 10)
• Flirty head bob while asking Milady “Whose side are you on?” (ep 8)
• LUSTY EYES while saying “Effort is not good enough!” (ep 10)
• ‘Writhing in agony’ sex face after being poisoned. (ep 7)
• Triumphant ‘looking out of the window after recovering from poisoning and declaring that he is unstoppable’ face (ep 7)
• ‘What a twat’ look as King flirts with Charlotte Mellendorf (ep 6)
• Licking his lips as he commands Adele: "Undress for me". (ep 1)

SPECIAL TWAT FOR OVERALL BEST EPISODE
Whichever episode gets the highest number of nominations above!

SPECIAL TWAT FOR OVERALL BEST CHARACTER
Whoever gets the highest number of nominations above!

Trophies for wenches

Favourite Tavern Abbreviation

• FAF (Fit As Fuck)
• FML (Fuck My Life)
• GTRH (Got The Right Horn)
• FMWAC (Fuck Me What A Cunt)
• OTB (on the blob)
• ILYA (I love you all)
• HBS (heaving bosom snuggles)

Best Tweet

• Hannah: “Porthos, mines a large one”
• Hannah: The one about Roger being mounted by Athos
• Letus: The one about Roger The Horse having a long face
• Letus: The one about Dogtanian not wearing any pants
• Malc: With her baps out, half hidden by a Musketeers DVD (since deleted) Did this happen Malc?
• Sparkle: Wondering if Santi’s number 9 shirt is representative of the notches on Aramis' bed post.
• TW: Being excited about the football but really channelling the King

Best Tavern Session

• Voice-recognition typing
• Soccer Aid
• Knight Takes Queen group watch
• Night Ops Wenches
• Death by James Corden’s arse
• Eurovision
• Piss-taking group watch of the truly terrible The Three Musketeers 2011 film

Special TWAT for creative services to Wenchhood

• Lurkio: The Video
• Cinnamon: The Sound Booth (downloadable Musketeers text message alerts)
• Hannah: General funniest wench and Song Lyric writing (e.g. We Got A Wenchy Kind of Love, original music by Phil Collins)
• Malc: Filthy artwork
• Comtesse: Best Clit Lit
• Elk: Musketeer Physique Analysis (with coloured pens)

Funniest Wench Quote

• Malc: “I AM GOING TO RIDE THAT PAN HANDLE UNTIL HIS KIDNEYS BURST OUT HIS EARS!”
• Malc: "Save a pancake, toss a Musketeer."
• Pumpkinpositive: “I would bang them all like a storm door in a hurricane.”
• Cinnamon: “I like that Tom's tone of voice and expression are screaming, ‘The BBC are my employers and they are making me record this clip. But the World Cup and everything football-related are utterly pointless, and I fart on them with gusto. And so does Roger.’"
• Sparkle: “Well if Tom Burke’s got any input then it'll be cocks out at dawn.”
• Hannah: “Heaven knows, it's going to be tough enough attaching MTM's horses to the back of our National Express, without her husband getting suspicious. He'll be there, on the drive, desperately swishing his dressing gown whining ‘but it's Sunday!’.”
• Flopsy: “How do wenches put their boulder holders on? I am in the 'fasten at the front then swivel painfully around the fat' camp....I am honestly in awe of women who can fasten their bras at the back, so much more elegant in M&S changing rooms.”

Funniest Tavern moment, RL or fantasy

• Drink: Hedrinning them Immacing her pubes (real)
• Mavis: Serving ancient Betty Crocker icing to children (real)
• Malc: Riding a flaming wild pig (fantasy)
• Hannah: Epilating her armpits (real)
• Sparkle: Dog blowjob down the alley dream (real, albeit dream)

And finally, The Biggest Twat Of Them All, aka Without Whom None Of This Would Have Been Possible, Trophy goes to…
The recipient of this special award will be announced on TWATS night. Bet you can’t guess who it is…

Just to be annoying, are you sure the roger/long face is letus? Only asking because I twattered something like that too and I'm not nominated for ANYTHING FUCKERSZSZSZZ

I was going to copy the tweet but it includes my Twitter name and I'd rather that not be on public view on MN. You know, cos of all my interesting and controversial tweets

Praps - as we are linked wenches - we tweeted something similar to each other around about the same time.

Well maybe it was great minds think alike?

: @RogerTheHorse have you ever said to Tom why the long face? Ahahahahaha.

This was mine. I'll see if I can find yours

Is this yours?

: @PopeJessica @LucaPasqualino Uruguay 3-1 down. Hope Roger's not got a long face. ??

I also twatted with roger about horse burgers iirc?

Anyway carry on as you were.

Yes, that tweet with the score line was mine.

Twitrah - we are as one

Thanks loads trev and everyone. My only comments:

Il delete the malc tits behind dvd tweet cos it never actually happened.

I actually think the king line "I can't have people running around trying to kill my mother. Not unless I tell them to." is funnier? Ok to change that?

ob, I nominated anne and her rotas (= the lists with pix) but she told me to delete it! But since you like them too im putting them back in. Sorry anne! Popular demand!

One more thing - what do people think about having a dedicated best clit lit category in the wenches section? Seeing as there are now many writers besides comtesse.

Or would that potentially cause upset or offence?

Most crowbarred-in Athos nomination, upon the insistence of Team Burke

• Athos sticking his head in ice bucket
• Drunk Athos visiting the hanging tree at his chateau and remembering his sad past
• Athos duelling in his trainers

Only joking! Just seeing if anyones reading...

(Theyre not)

@.......@.......@......@

You could have an Athos snark category but there'd be about 600 nominations

He's going to win everything as it is letus!

That's because he's the FAFest, funniest and downright sexiest and would get his nob out if only Jess Pope would sodding insist on it

what do we do now??

Funniest wench quote

Stinkle: "Athos does have a lovely voice, that and all the sullen leaning everywhere."

Funniest King quote [correction]

• "Being King can be so boring... IT IS SO UNFAIR!!!!" (Ep 6)

These are going to be brilliant (when we finally pull our fingers out.) .

Bumpety bump anyone?!

Oh yes. Remembers. The Twats. Nice linking Apricot.
Will use this to create my new 'Top 10'