Welcome to the TWATS 2014. Please now list your categories and nominations.

[MalcolmTuckersMistress]

Well this is going to cause chaos and probably have no real conclusion to it but I did think that it at least deserves it's own thread.

1.) Please note, this thread is NOT for wenching in. I repeat NO WENCHING. Wenching must continues in the tavern threads only.

2.) NO DISCUSSION OF SANTIAGO AND FOOTBALL. You may nominate him but we don't need 36 pages of "OMGZ I LOVES HIM n his futbowl LOL LOL LOL!!!!111"

3.) Remember when nominating and making up categories that The Cardinal is sexier than any of the other male cast members.

It's £11 ish on amazon if that helps. Not that I keep looking or anything....

Can we wait til after Im BACK from holiday please? (21 June)

(Basically, if you do it without me, I will hunt you all down and murder you in your beds.)

We might want to hold off tweeting JP etc until we have a news hook to make it grab their attention more. eg up to a nice round number of threads. "To mark the mumsneteers' golden jubilee of 50,000 posts perving over hot bearded men in leather" etc etc.

We're on 42,000 posts now including Telly Addicts. How long til we've done another 8,000 / 8 threads? About 4 weeks no?

We were relying in you to sort out the voting thing tbh. I wouldn't worry about us sneaking it in with you away.

Oh and

We need to finalise the nominations, find a poll, upload the fucker, set up the twitter account, agree the wording, then vote. So a fair bit to do. And lots of wenches will probably be going on hols now, so we shouldnt leave anyone out who wants to vote.

I thought of another idea for the generic twitter account...inspired a bit by Roger the Horse. If we all have access to it, we could take turns to play around with it... eg do "If Athos / Aramis were on social media for a day" type tweets to JP etc.

Do please say if I have gone totally batshit. Its the migraines and the knackeredness.

Hannah would be hilaire at pretending to be Athos tweeting.

Madame - I'm in. I will happily channel Athos ignoring fact I won't actually have his genitals to grope

Think that sounds like great fun. But I def need to get my rewatches in first. To get into character properly. And I'm not hogging it either, so if other Athos wenches want to do him I'll kill every last motherfucker I'm happy to share

As for waiting for hols. My request was specifically for nomination finalisation. Can we please do that once you're back? I promise to get on it and will even help Trev, whip crack the wenches into sorting their shit out, ready for your return?

Yes absolutely, keep nominations open for as long as people want.

Is that what you meant hannah? Sorry Im wasted now. Fuckin knackered and migrainey.

Got two days of hideousness coming up so won't be properly on here or main thread til Sat at least. dont nobody rewrite the entire TWATS while Im gone kay?

Can I be a complete pedant and tweak one of kingy's lines....after "did she just refuse my company" you need to add the punch line "is that allowed"

I'm in two minds about tweeting twats. I guess knowing that there's a substantial fan following is a tv producers dream, but for me the whole fan thing is rather a guilty pleasure that I'm a tad totally embarrassed about. I'm not including the Tav and all the wenches in this, relationships there have grown into so much more, muskeperving was merely the catalyst.

I'm trying to galvanise my thoughts here, and struggling.....but I think what I'm trying to say is that I would hate us to come across as, or be regarded as yet another bunch of hero worshiping fenches, when actually we are a funny, witty, multi-talented, intelligent, gorgeous, gobby gabby (I could go on with the epithets) group of women, and all the fan stuff is done with our tongues planted firmly in our cheeks.

Yes Madame, exactly what I meant. Don't worry about the twats, we'll just keep nagging the lazy slatterns to check nominations list, and try to get closer to finalising nominations for your return. Information and comments will be gathered. Decisions or anything else will not be made/done, beyond individual opinions, being individually formed, and perhaps, documented

I think your migraine is affecting you more than you realise. Entertaining the notion that progress might be made in your absence

Hope you feel less shitty tmw

Just to clarify! I mean the thread will be closer to a point of finalising nominations. Not that finalising, or any adjustments will be made.

elk thats a good comment about king category, ta!

Thats what we need, to make them tighter and funnier (and accurate). The funnier they are, the more they will do us justice and we won't come across like dumb fenches.

Thanks hannah

Dvd has been ordered. Should arrive tmw. Can't believe it's taken this long, but it just kinda did!

Thanks for tip off Norah btw. Everywhere I have looked it is nearer £20, but Amazon was £11. Really annoyed I couldn't find it locally - for cash I'm bound to get a "did you order something from Amazon recently? There's something on statement for £11? ...........erm........ Yeah.....you know that group of people I just met up with.....well.......

I'm going to rip them to laptop if can. That way I can put dvd out of way, and watch them in bed on all those early nights I'm about to start having

I still haven't got it hannah

Nor me flops

I share elk's concerns. We are amazing and if we are made known I want us to come across as that.

We will try to sort ourselves madame please take care

Madame,
email me with instructions/jobs/general rants and I will be right on it!

Hope you feel a lot better soon.

funniest wench quote / moment

• Malc's DH expectantly wearing dressing gown when Musketeers is on TV
• Flopsy describing how she "boulder holders" her norks

(Ill collect exact quotes etc later)

Best resting bitch face
Madame de Bonnaire

Right - just need a few episode numbers if possible as both Madame and I have lost the will to live now. I never thought I'd say you can do too many re watches but it's not so much fun when you are listening out for specific lines. Malc can you fill in some of the Cardinal ones that are no doubt seared into your brain? Anyone else remember any episodes we are not sure of please add them in. Obs - can you help with the King ones?

Do not add other suggestions now please. This is the list to vote on so get thinking. When Madame gets back it will be put onto a poll for us to vote.

Awards for The Musketeers

Best use of a Random Prop

• Porthos duelling with fork (ep 1)
• Mother Superior lobbing brandy bombs (ep 9)
• Cardinal poisoned by knee bone (ep 7)
• Aramis fighting with books (ep 7)
• Athos sticking head in ice bucket (ep 1)

Twitchiest Vag / Wettest Knickers Moment

• Aramis shirtless in lake (ep 9)
• Aramis making a whhh-tshh! whipping noise (ep 3)
• Athos: “It would be our duty, and incidentally…our pleasure.” (ep ?)
• Athos: Alley snog scene with Milady. (ep 8)
• Dog and Connie go at it in the kitchen. (ep 7)
• Richelieu with his hand on Milady’s throat looking at her with LUSTY EYES. (ep ?)
• Porthos and Alice in bed, talking about the future. (ep 8)
• Treville: shouting at all the musketeers – “D’Artagnan is in prison because of you; friendless, alone. I hope you’re very proud. Dismissed!” (ep 2)

Best move with a Weapon

• Athos’s morning stretch with sword (ep 1)
• Milady holding dagger to Athos' throat (ep 3)
• Mother Superior reloading pistol like a gangsta (ep 9)
• Aramis jumping over wall while firing (ep 6)

Sexiest use of Clothing

• Cardinal in swishy cloak (all)
• Athos getting dressed and putting his hat on (ep 1)
• Dog in –-bon--bandage (ep 1)
• Aramis in grey billowy shirt, necklaces and braces (ep 8)
• Porthos in a sheet (ep 5)

Best Tits in a Corset

• Connie
• Milady
• Adele
• Queenie
• Queen Mum

Best Resting Bitch Face

• Milady
• Queenie
• Queen Mum
• Madame Bonnaire
• Mother Superior
• Flea

Best Bromance

• Aramis/Porthos: Treating Porthos’s injury (ep 3)
• Athos/Dog (spoken in the rain outside the prison): Athos – “what did I tell you about thinking before you act?” Dog – “I couldn’t help it, I’m not like you.” Athos – “You are. More than you know.” (ep 8)
• Treville/all four: Treville taking one for the team against Vinnie Jones (ep 8)
• Athos/Aramis: “So we’re good?” “Shout if you need me.” “Why would I need you?” (ep 9)
• Treville/Aramis: burying Marsac in the rain (ep 4)
• All of them: the “all for one” moment (ep 10)

Hottest Shouty Moment

• Athos: "I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH THE QUEEN!" (ep 9)
• Aramis: “WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? Don't you care about Porthos?” (ep 3)
• Porthos: “YOU LYING FILTHY SWINE!!!!” (ep 3)
• Treville: “Any of my musketeers could thrash any of your Red Guards at any time!” (ep 8)
• Dog: To the Cardinal – “What about Debarge? As a citizen of France I demand my rights!” (ep 8)

Best Punch

• Athos knocks Porthos out before surgery (ep 3)
• Aramis punches Treville (ep 4)
• Milady punches Constance (ep 10)
• Porthos’s fist fight in one of the competition heats (ep 8)

Funniest King Line

• “Being King is SO BORING!” (ep ?)
• “Did she just refuse my company? Is that allowed?” (ep 7)
• “And now I have to kill my mother!” (Or something like that??) (ep 6)
• “I went to Gascony once. It was full of sheep and hedges.” (ep 8)
• “What shall we do about this ‘melon-choly’ business?” (ep 5)

Funniest Anachronism or Continuity Error

• Dog: “I love it when a plan comes together.” (ep 6)
• Gallacher doing SWAT-style hand signals to his team (ep 9)
• Treville: “You three. My office. Now!” (ep 1)
• Musketeers apparently stop to load up with heavy cooking equipment while on run with Queenie (ep 9)
• Athos duelling in his trainers with Duke of Savoy (ep 4)

Best “got some dust in my eye” Moment

• Aramis cradling dying Sister Helene (ep 9)
• Constance telling Dog she doesn’t love him (ep 8)
• Drunk Athos visiting the hanging tree at his chateau and remembering his sad past (ep 3)
• Porthos with Charon in the Court of Miracles when Charon dies (ep 5)

Best Cardinal Facial Expression

• ‘Oh fuck, Queenie heard me admit my dastardly plans!’ shock face (ep 10)
• Flirty head bob while asking Milady “Whose side are you on?” (ep 8)
• LUSTY EYES while saying “Effort is not good enough!” (ep ?)
• ‘Writhing in agony’ sex face after being poisoned. (ep 7)
• Triumphant ‘looking out of the window after recovering from poisoning and declaring that he is unstoppable’ face (ep 7)
• ‘What a twat’ look as King flirts with Charlotte Mellendorf (ep 6)
• Licking his lips as he commands Adele: "Undress for me". (ep 1)

SPECIAL TWAT FOR OVERALL BEST EPISODE
Whichever episode gets the highest number of nominations above!

SPECIAL TWAT FOR OVERALL BEST CHARACTER
Whoever gets the highest number of nominations above!

Trophies for wenches

Favourite Tavern Abbreviation

• FAF (Fit As Fuck)
• FML (Fuck My Life)
• GTRH (Got The Right Horn)
• FMWAC (Fuck Me What A Cunt)
• OTB (on the blob)
• ILYA (I love you all)
• HBS (heaving bosom snuggles)

Best Tweet

• Hannah: “Porthos, mines a large one”
• Hannah: The one about Roger being mounted by Athos
• Letus: The one about Roger The Horse having a long face
• Letus: The one about Dogtanian not wearing any pants
• Malc: With her baps out, half hidden by a Musketeers DVD (since deleted)
• Sparkle: Wondering if Santi’s number 9 shirt is representative of the notches on Aramis' bed post.
• TW: Being excited about the football but really channelling the King

Best Tavern Session

• Voice-recognition typing
• Soccer Aid
• Knight Takes Queen group watch
• Night Ops Wenches
• Death by James Corden’s arse
• Eurovision
• Piss-taking group watch of the truly terrible The Three Musketeers 2011 film

Special TWAT for creative services to Wenchhood

• Lurkio: The Video
• Cinnamon: The Sound Booth (downloadable Musketeers text message alerts)
• Hannah: General funniest wench and Song Lyric writing (e.g. We Got A Wenchy Kind of Love, original music by Phil Collins)
• Malc: Filthy artwork
• Comtesse: Best Clit Lit
• Elk: Musketeer Physique Analysis (with coloured pens)

Funniest Wench Quote

• Malc: “I AM GOING TO RIDE THAT PAN HANDLE UNTIL HIS KIDNEYS BURST OUT HIS EARS!”
• Malc: "Save a pancake, toss a Musketeer."
• Pumpkinpositive: “I would bang them all like a storm door in a hurricane.”
• Cinnamon: “I like that Tom's tone of voice and expression are screaming, ‘The BBC are my employers and they are making me record this clip. But the World Cup and everything football-related are utterly pointless, and I fart on them with gusto. And so does Roger.’"
• Sparkle: “Well if Tom Burke’s got any input then it'll be cocks out at dawn.”
• Hannah: “Heaven knows, it's going to be tough enough attaching MTM's horses to the back of our National Express, without her husband getting suspicious. He'll be there, on the drive, desperately swishing his dressing gown whining ‘but it's Sunday!’.”
• Flopsy: “How do wenches put their boulder holders on? I am in the 'fasten at the front then swivel painfully around the fat' camp....I am honestly in awe of women who can fasten their bras at the back, so much more elegant in M&S changing rooms.”

Funniest Tavern moment, RL or fantasy

• Drink: Hedrinning them Immacing her pubes (real)
• Mavis: Serving ancient Betty Crocker icing to children (real)
• Malc: Riding a flaming wild pig (fantasy)
• Hannah: Epilating her armpits (real)
• Sparkle: Dog blowjob down the alley dream (real, albeit dream)

And finally, The Biggest Twat Of Them All, aka Without Whom None Of This Would Have Been Possible, Trophy goes to…
The recipient of this special award will be announced on TWATS night. Bet you can’t guess who it is…

The "duty and pleasure" line is from episode 6, the one with the kings mum in it.

"Being king can be so boring", I think it's also from episode 6.

Trev, the King ones are good.
Nice work Trev.
Why is there no mention if Anne?
Why is there no mention of the fantastic lists, done in the first few threads, of all the wenches that were in the Athos camp, those in the Aramis camp. And I had my own Kingy picture?

Lusty eyes is episode ten I believe.

Thanks for episode suggestions. I'll add in. Any idea on exact quote about king killing his mother?

Obs - don't know anything about lists sorry. Were they suggested before because I don't remember seeing them on the long list?

I think Anne was suggested for a wench quote originally but preferred it was cut. No deliberate snubbing just working with what was suggested.

Amazing...brought back lots of fab musketeer and tavern (no e) memories. ILYA.,Can't wait to vote.