Welcome to the TWATS 2014. Please now list your categories and nominations.

[MalcolmTuckersMistress]

Well this is going to cause chaos and probably have no real conclusion to it but I did think that it at least deserves it's own thread.

1.) Please note, this thread is NOT for wenching in. I repeat NO WENCHING. Wenching must continues in the tavern threads only.

2.) NO DISCUSSION OF SANTIAGO AND FOOTBALL. You may nominate him but we don't need 36 pages of "OMGZ I LOVES HIM n his futbowl LOL LOL LOL!!!!111"

3.) Remember when nominating and making up categories that The Cardinal is sexier than any of the other male cast members.

RTFT people. Procedure has been explained (a gazillion times) above and on the main thread.

When me and trev post the finalised list of categories, then you can all nominate. For now nominations of categories and nominees are closed.

WELCOME TO THE MUSKETEERS TWATS NOMINATIONS 2014!!!!

(TAVERN WENCHES AWARDS AND TROPHIES)

Hello it’s Grammar Nazi Madame.

Me and Trev have had a bit of a tidy-up. If you are really upset that your entry has disappeared or changed, please shout if you really must. We just tried to move things around so that each category has enough or not too many entries, is funny (ish), and to reduce the number of categories / nominations. (Otherwise the whole thing is going to be boring completely unviable.)

Max number of nominations per category: 10 (Ideally no more than 6)

Min number: 3

PLEASE SUGGEST CUTS TO NOMINATIONS IN CATEGORIES WITH TOO MANY NOMINATIONS.

No fighting over who suggested what – we’re not going to put names of nominees on the final poll thingy, cos it’s too complicated and a bit boring.

I think we’ve got enough categories now, unless anyone is really desperate to add / change one. Suggestions for cuts welcome.

Please now add / debate nominations like this:

1. Cut, paste and repost the category you want to nominate in ( NOT the whole list ),
2. Add your comments or nomination, with episode ref.

And….……….GO!!!!!!

Awards for The Musketeers

Best use of a Random Prop

• Porthos duelling with fork (ep 1)
• Mother Superior lobbing brandy bombs (ep 9)
• Aramis dropping dummy baby in the river (ep 6)
• Cardinal poisoned by knee bone (ep 7)
• Aramis fighting with books (ep 7)
• Porthos shooting melon off Aramis’ head (ep 5)
• Dog smacking Athos with glove (ep 10)

Twitchiest Vag / Wettest Knickers Moment

• Aramis shirtless in lake (ep 9)
• Aramis making a whhh-tshh! whipping noise (ep 3)
• Aramis: “I’ve got you” while jumping on top of the Queen to save her from being blown up (ep 2)
• All four gallantly appearing through smoke under arch (ep 10)
• Athos: “It would be our duty and incidentally our pleasure.” (ep ?)
• Athos: "Kneel." (ep ?)
• Athos: Alley snog scene with Milady. (ep ?)
• Dog and Connie go at it in the kitchen. (ep ?)
• Richelieu with his hand on Milady’s throat (LUSTY EYES). (ep ?)
• Porthos sliding up next to Alice. (ep ?)
• Any time Treville gets shouty – especially at the Cardinal. (Come on Trev, pick a moment! From Madame.)

Best move with a Weapon

• Athos morning stretch with sword (ep 1)
• Milady holding dagger to Athos' throat (ep 3)
• Mother Superior reloading pistol like a gangsta (ep 9)
• Aramis jumping over wall while firing (ep 6)

Sexiest use of Clothing

• Cardinal in swishy cloak (all?)
• Athos in grey billowy shirt (ep ?)
• Aramis unbuckling belt to use as tourniquet (ep 3)
• Dog in –-bon--bandage (ep ?)
• Aramis in grey billowy shirt (ep 8)

Best Tits in a Corset

• Connie
• Milady
• Niniononon
• Queenie
• Queen Mum

Best Resting Bitch Face

• Milady: When she kisses Athos in the alley and he rejects her (ep ?)
• Queenie: When she walks in on the Cardinal discussing her assassination (ep 10)
• Queen Mum: When she realises Cardinal has outwitted her (ep 6)
• Constance: When Milady turns up at her house (ep ?)
• Madame Bonnaire: when she finds hubby in the tavern with wench (ep 3)
• Mother Superior: when she is praying in the chapel as the battle rages and the window gets broken (ep 9)

Best Bromance

• Aramis/Porthos: Treating Porthos’s injury (ep 3)
• Athos/Dog: 'You're more like me...' (ep 8)
• Treville/all four: Treville taking one for the team against Vinnie Jones (ep 8)
• Athos/Aramis: “So we’re good?” “Shout if you need me.” “Why would I need you?” (ep 9)
• Treville/Aramis: burying Marsac in the rain (ep 4)
• All of them: the “all for one” moment (ep 10)

Hottest Shouty Moment

• Athos: "I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH THE QUEEN!" (ep 9)
• Aramis: "DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT PORTHOS AT ALL?" (ep 3)
• Porthos: “HE’S A SLAVER!” (ep 3)
• Treville: “Any of my musketeers could take on any of your Red Guards!” (ep 8)
• Dog: Shouting at Treville about losing his farm. (ep ?)

Best Punch

• Athos knocks Porthos out before surgery (ep 3)
• Aramis punches Treville (ep 4)
• Milady punches Constance (ep 10)
• Porthos fist fights to enter the competition and Athos says he’s not even trying.(ep 8?)

Funniest King Line / Moment

• “Being King is SO BORING!” (ep ?)
• “Did she just refuse my company?” (ep ?)
• “And now I have to kill my mother!” (Or something like that??) (ep 4?)
• Running away up the stairs from his mum (ep 4?)
• “I went to Gascony once. It was full of sheep and hedges.” (ep ?)
• “What shall we do about this ‘melon-choly’ business?” (ep ?)

Funniest Anachronism or Continuity Error

• Dog: “I love it when a plan comes together” (ep 6?)
• Gallacher doing SWAT-style hand signals to his team (ep 9)
• Treville: “You three. My office. Now!” (ep 1)
• Musketeers apparently stop to load up with heavy cooking equipment while on run with Queenie (ep 9)

Best “got some dust in my eye” Moment

• Aramis cradles dying Sister Helene (ep 9)
• Constance tells Dog she doesn’t love him (ep 10?)
• Drunk Athos at his ancestral home visits the hanging tree and remembers (ep 3)
• Porthos in the Court of Miracles when Charon dies (ep ?)
• Ninion on the pyre (ep ?)

Best Cardinal Facial Expression / Snark Line

• Oh fuck, Queenie heard me admit my dastardly plans! (ep 10)
• Flirty head bob when asking Milady whose side she was on after the fight in The Challenge (ep 8)
• “Effort is not good enough” lusty eyes (ep ?)
• Writhing in agony because he's been poisoned sex face. (ep ?)
• Looking out of the window after he recovered from the poisoning, sun shining on him as he declares that he is unstoppable! (ep ?)
• Glowering at the King flirting with Charlotte Mellendorf (ep 4?)
• Eyerolls and sarcastic smile at king being a twat (ep ?)
• "Undress for me" while licking his lips (ep ?)
• Sire, killing your mother is generally frowned upon by the general population (Or something like that?) (ep 4?)

SPECIAL TWAT FOR OVERALL BEST EPISODE
Whichever episode gets the highest number of nominations above!

SPECIAL TWAT FOR OVERALL BEST CHARACTER
Whoever gets the highest number of nominations above!

Trophies for wenches

Best Tavern Abbreviation

• FAF (Fit As Fuck)
• FML (Fuck My Life)
• GTRH (Got The Right Horn)
• FMWAC (Fuck Me What A Cunt)
• OTB (on the blob)
• ILYA (I love you all)

Best Tweet

• Hannah: “Porthos, mines a large one” and the one about Roger being mounted by Athos.
• Letus: Roger and the long face, Dogtanian and no pants
• Malc: With her baps out, half hidden by a Musketeers DVD (since deleted)
• Sparkle: Santi’s shirt number 9 like the notches on Aramis' bed post.
• TW: about being excited about football but really channelling King Louis

Best Tavern Session

• Voice-recognition typing
• Soccer Aid
• Knight Takes Queen watch
• Night Ops Wenches
• Death by James Corden’s arse
• Eurovision

Special TWAT for creative services to Wenchhood

• Lurkio: The Video
• Cinnamon: The Sound Booth (downloadable Musketeers text message alerts)
• Hannah: General funniest wench and Song Lyric writing (e.g. We Got A Wenchy Kind of Love, original music by Phil Collins)
• Malc: Filthy artwork
• Anne: Rota and admin architecture
• Comtesse: Best Clit Lit
• Elk: Musketeer Physique Analysis (with coloured pens)

Funniest Sex Boast / Wench Quote

• Malc: “I AM GOING TO RIDE THAT PAN HANDLE UNTIL HIS KIDNEYS BURST OUT HIS EARS!”
• Hannah: "Save a pancake, toss a Musketeer"
• Madame: "Santi is now banging away at anything that comes near him. He wants it. He wants it badly.” (Soccer Aid commentary)
• Malc: “He would get it til he ran dry.”
• Pumpkinpositive: “I would bang them all like a storm door in a hurricane.”
• Cinnamon: “I like the Athos/Roger clip. I like that Tom's tone of voice and expression are screaming, ‘The BBC are my employers and they are making me record this clip. But the World Cup and everything football-related are utterly pointless, and I fart on them with gusto. And so does Roger.’"
• Sparkle: “Well if Tom Burke’s got any input then it'll be cocks out at dawn.”
• Anne: (Talking about not wanting to see breasts on the Musketeers should they sex it up.) “I have a sterling pair that I have seen a lot. I dont need to see others jiggling around.”

Funniest Tavern moment, RL or fantasy

• Drink: Hedrinning them Immacing her pubes (real)
• Mavis: Serving ancient Betty Crocker icing to children (real)
• Malc: Riding a flaming wild pig (fantasy)
• Hannah: Epilating her armpits (real)
• Sparkle: Dog blowjob down the alley dream (real, albeit dream)
• Elk: Describing TB on her physio table (fantasy)

And finally, The Biggest Twat Of Them All, aka Without Whom None Of This Would Have Been Possible, Trophy goes to…
The recipient of this special award will be announced on TWATS night. Bet you can’t guess who it is…

That's tremendous! Great list. I'll have a little think to work out if there's anything else worth adding but I think that's a great list!

Oh thought thinking about it one more for the Wenches...

Best Tavern Session

• watching the Musketeers film together and bitching the whole way through. Fuck you Hollywood.

Sterling work done here Madame and Trev well done

Will come back to this and add stuff when I've thought of it.

Best Tavern Abbreviation

• FAF (Fit As Fuck)
• FML (Fuck My Life)
• GTRH (Got The Right Horn)
• FMWAC (Fuck Me What A Cunt)
• OTB (on the blob)
• ILYA (I love you all)

• HBS (heaving bosom snuggles)

Oh God, in so many of the categories I can't decide which to vote for!! So we're allowed to vote for more than one then? Can't you usually only vote for one in these things?

Because it's divided you could actually send Jess P the Musketeers Awards & just keep our stuff hidden secret

sparkle were not voting yet! Just finalising the nominations. When we're happy we'll upload them to an online poll and all vote.

We need to get nominations per category down to six if possible. Otherwise vote will be split too much and i dont fancy doing all that cutting and pasting it will take hours and give me rsi

So please suggest cuts to less funny / good nominations where necessary. And any new nominations you think we've missed.

Yes i assume only one vote per person per category.

Ahhhhh....so in true wench styleeeee we are going round the houses first Exxxxxxccellllennttt

We got to get your end interest up somehow though Sparkle!

1 vote per category.

1 question- what is this sound booth of which you speak? 'cause I wouldn't mind my text alerts saying you three my office now! or "just do it" or some other horn inducing sound that I won't need to explain at all to my real life family and friends because in true wench style no fucks shall be given!

Funniest Anachronism or Continuity Error

• Dog: “I love it when a plan comes together” (ep 6?)
• Gallacher doing SWAT-style hand signals to his team (ep 9)
• Treville: “You three. My office. Now!” (ep 1)
• Musketeers apparently stop to load up with heavy cooking equipment while on run with Queenie (ep 9)

• maybe add on Tom Burke duelling in his trainers during the fight with the Duke of Savoy because the floor was so slippy? You can glimpse them during the episode and there's a picture floating around the net somewhere of a still.

Well done both of you. I've read them all through. Yes, add the Tom in his trainers one and possibly -

Funniest Anachronism or Continuity Error

Connie: "It was a metaphor" (ep 1)

trev, cinnamon set it up on Google dropbox. Pm her for the url and password? I cant remember them. You can get the files from there.

I'd not spotted Tom's trainers, I must have been to riveted by his sword skills chest hair and sweat will have to go back and look

Where's my fantasy physio session?? I've no recollection.....I fancy having another look at that too.....

Well done Madame and Trev for all this

Great wenching

Elk - the times you've talked about getting Tom stretched out on your table.... or rather I hope you did and I didn't just dream it!
Apricot - It was a metaphor was very funny as were red guards words that prompted it - "are you one of those religious nuts?" is I'm sure not historically correct phrasing either!

Here's Tom in his trainers.

Thanks Madame - I'll inbox cinnamon. Where is she BTW? working too hard for wenching.

tom in trainers. Apparently floor was slippy and very old so they couldn't put sticky coke down like they normally would!

Hang on, wasn't roger and the long face me? I think I did it and everyone ignored me. wankery

Please suggest some cuts people. Otherwise ill just cut all the spare athos ones

Ill kick off:
Best use of a Random Prop
aramis dropping baby into river

This is cos i think we've already got a better aramis one in this category, and it isnt really a random prop, more a key part of the plot, iyswim.

And please fill in the missing episode references if you know them! Ta very much!

Ha ha at Toms trainers. Trev, I think you imagined me stretching him you saucy minx but it's given me an idea for a bit of Tavern filth cliterature

Can we add Dog and Aramis swapping places restraining Porthos in ep3 under continuity errors?