I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

This is not helpful . Some couples get past this, others don’t. Ultimately neither is the easy option , and if you can be assured that you are both putting the work in and want to be together for the right reasons - love , happiness not fear then it can work. I know it sounds harsh saying you both need to put the work in, but you will both have individual aspects you’ll need to work (him- what led to this, demonstrating change and openness and honesty , you- learning to live with it and move on , not let this turn into resentment or tit for tat behaviour).

It is hard and neither option is the easy option as I say , but he doesn’t get you to make an instant answer , you need time to process and think through what it is you want . I am speaking as someone who is now 18 months post infidelity (him) , it broke me at the time and it’s changed me forever . I am glad after a period of separation we came back together , I think we both learnt a lot and our communication has massively improved, as has our acceptance and respect for one another. It’s hard though - especially the first few months after being back together but for me , it was just as hard not to be with him and I loved him and wanted to be with him. Sending you lots of hugs , and also if you want to talk to someone , you talk - it’s his shame not yours and it’s incredibly unfair him asking you not ti tell anyone .

@MyHeartisinTwo I’m sorry OP. Really am. I have been in similar position (except it wasn’t a physical affair as I caught it before it came to that). Couple of things I would say to help you survive the beginning.

1. Try and keep busy. I know it’s hard but being idle is your worse nightmare. I couldn’t sleep so I would exercise early morning and late at night to try and get even 2-4 hours sleep.
2. Make sure you eat and drink a lot of water. I know it seems silly but I barely ate and lost so much weight it was terrible.
3. None of this is your fault - no matter how distant, busy, arguing there was - this is on him and whatever was lacking in him. Not you. If he was unhappy he could have left, or told you so you could work on it he took the coward route.
4. you can do life without him - you can. You don’t know it yet but I promise you you can. But… you don’t have to decide that now. It took me a long time to decide what I wanted.

if you want any other practical advise PM and I’m happy to message. One of things for me I needed to constantly talk about it but was too ashamed to tell my friends at first so joined an infidelity forum (very much like this one)

Tell anyone you want or need to so you can get the rl support that you are going to need, his shame and embarrassment are his to deal with not yours and he shouldn't be trying to shift it onto you by asking you not to tell anyone.
Also if his MH is so bad that you have to support him why is he wasting his emotional energy supporting the OW?
You absolutely can do this as a single mother it may be tricky at 1st while you get used to the change but very quickly you'll see how much easier it is without you having to expend all that emotional labour and energy on him

All textbook excuses to try and get away with it. Don't be another woman that allows it.

Please don't fall into the trap of not telling because he told you not to. Sure, you can choose not to tell if you think you're leaning toward staying and you don't want the future narrative about your relationship among friends and family to include the story of his transgression. Equally, you can decide to share with whomever you want, and it's a great way to cope. Your recovery is yours to nourish, not his to undermine and weaponise.

Don’t make any rash decisions, there’s no time limit for processing this. Ask him to leave so you have time to think.

To me it sounds like he is not even showing true remorse, but is just trying to weasel out of it by blaming her.

The blocking her on your phone thing shows a level of deceit and premeditation that he really was trying to get away with it.

You have no idea if he’s done this many times with others and just caught out this time because she decided to tell you.

I would ask for a copy of the STI test. A) to see if he’s actually done it or not and B) because you can’t trust him to tell you verbally with no proof.

Sorry :(

Not sure if anyone's said this already - but please remember it's at least a 2 week wait for chlamydia and 12 weeks for HIV results to come back properly on an STI test.

Yes this. How dare he centre HIS embarrassment rather than you getting the support you need?! Honestly, fuck him!

Omg so probably lying about the test too 🤯

He could have had a sti test and been told he's clear for now but will need a repeat test in 12 weeks.
However they don't test for herpes either

Is he even being honest about the sti check if this was only a week ago.
But also i cant see many men doing that if they did use a condom.
i think the problem with cheaters is its nit only breaking the trust in the relationship and the other persons happiness but also i think it would be hard to ever trust anyone else.

It may sound like in this case she was pursuing him but still his responsibility being married

It’s up to you whether you stay with him or not. But don’t be naive, he is still lying and not taking any responsibility. He was not naively conned into sex by this woman who desperately wants him. She wouldn’t have been calling him late at night if he hadn’t have given her the impression that it was ok. He will most likely do it again and has possibly done it before. He wouldn’t have told you if she hadn’t.
If you leave him like he deserves, you will be surprised how quickly you get over him and realise he probably didn’t enhance your life. It will be difficult at first but not for long.

Ps. If it was only a week ago an STI test is pointless. He needs to wait at least 2 weeks and he would be aware if he actually had one.

You don't have to decide anything right now. You can take time to feel all your feelings.

He doesn't deserve privacy. You get to decide who you tell or don't tell.

Other people have coveres most things but I want to add that when he says "I will do anything". He needs to prove that. A lot of times when a man says that, they're expecting the wife to do the actual work and tell them what to do. And when it still doesn't work out they are shocked 'cause I did everything you wanted'. He should not be suggesting things like couples counceling, he should find a therapist, check availability and then ask if it sounds good. He doesn't need to share his intention to change jobs, he needs to show that he is doing it etc.

I'd be very surprised if he had got an STi test, maybe ask for proof on that one.

I would agree with this. I have been through it and we stayed together. It was the worst time of my life. I'm glad we stayed together but every case is different. You need time and space to think things through and work out what is best for you and your situation.

I'm very sorry he chose to destroy your marriage. Obviously, it won't be the first time - what are the odds he'd get caught the very first time - and even if by some miracle it was the first time he'd betrayed you, nothing he said can ever be trusted again.

As he is a liar who stuck his penis into another woman, his version of events should never be believed.

He is a liar. This is who he is. You are living with a liar who sticks his penis in willing women. This is your reality and this will not change. You will live day upon day with this distress and you will never forget. Every time he touches you, you will wonder what he has been up to and will visualise him fucking someone else. Every memory of every time he went away without you or was somewhere he could have cheated will be examined. His declarations of love, every good memory, all tainted now.

After a while, he will start kicking up a fuss and saying how unreasonable and cruel you are being still going on about it and you will be expected to swallow it down silently. Then he'll do something dodgy and you will quite naturally react and be untrusting at which time he will play the martyr routine - how can he bear to be so mistrusted forever, should he be punished forever?! Etc.

Meanwhile, he will continue to fuck around when he can. Why wouldn't he? He's the same person who made that choice and got away with it. If you stay with him, he's gotten away with it, even if you do cry a bit and make him a bit uncomfortable for a while.

This will be your life, until he decides it's all a bit too much hassle and leaves for a pick me. Then he'll do the same to her.

Nobody is EVER happier after such a betrayal and it never improves the marriage or fixes anything. That's a sad lie people tell to try to make their massive sacrifice seem worth it. Every person who stayed with a cheater is in a relationship where they are less trusting, less happy, less secure, the relationship is always weaker. After all, it's been poisoned to death at the roots, and a new, stunted relationship has come from the poisoned mess.

Your marriage is over, assuming you want a monogamous marriage with a trustworthy person. It's just a question of how long it takes you to accept this now. If you're willing to tolerate him cheating and never being able to trust him again, you should stay.

Tell anyone you want to. If we want to be talked of well, we must behave well. That is up to you, and only you, to decide.

You should read through the Chump Lady dot com website she blows all the usual bullshit out of the water.

This will be a long post sorry.
I am sorry you are going through this OP.
He is a selfish twat and you need to prioritise yourself. 😠

Right now, your brain and body will be in shock, so you need time to process this and YOU DO NOT have to decide the future of your marriage today. 💯

You will feel crushed. But unfortunately you need to take pragmatic steps. 🦆🦆🦆

1. Take a breath and don't rush into any major decisions/ permanent choices right now, (like divorce, moving house, or telling the world about it on insta etc). Just focus on yourself and getting through the next couple of days. 😔
2. Create physical space away from him. He can take the couch/spare room/ his mums/ stay in a hotel, so you can collect your thoughts without him being there. 🛋
3. Meet basic needs, like getting enough water, food (small meals even) sleep and rest and take your time. 😴
4. Get yourself tested for STIs for your own peace of mind. 👍
5. Be selective with your circle, as you need support, but be careful who you tell right now. 💯

If you feel like you cannot trust/are too vulnerable to confide in a friend or a family member, then seek out a therapist.
If you tell your family members too soon and then decide to remain/reconcile with your husband, then it may cause you more stress further down the line as they will be negatively biased toward him and view him differently (in loyalty to you). But if you wish to tell them to garner support, then fuck his embarrassment. It's your choice. 💯

When you are ready to think about the future, you have work to do and neither path is easy.

1. You can leave /end it and divorce.
2. Or you can choose to stay and rebuild.
3. A temporary middle ground could be where you postpone a final decision and take your time as you process this shit show. 💩 You focus on keeping life stable/ routine (for kids/work), and protect your energy.
4. Seek professional guidance/help/ therapy to process all this shit.

ETA: Take all the time you need OP 🫂
In the long run the decisions of finances, space, and children requires communication and boundaries and it won't be easy either way.

Sending hugs 🫂
@MyHeartisinTwo

Same. Mine was a EA but I was devastated. Worse time of my life as well. 3 small kids. I didn’t know if I was coming or going.

sorry you went through this ❤️

@MyHeartisinTwo - as an aside something else I just remembered please do not feel bad or shame if you end up sleeping with your husband in the next few weeks that follow.

And the best thing for you now is to get away from your abuser so he cannot poison your head any further. If you choose to stay with a liar in an untrusting marriage, you should at least be crystal clear that this what you are choosing. His main concern is, and always has been, for his penis and comfort, so he will say or do anything at the moment to ensure you shut up and are too confused and distressed to do anything that might cause him discomfort.

You need space from your abuser so you can make the choice of whether to stay with him or not, by yourself, without further coercion from him.

I don’t care if he got himself tested or not, get yourself STI tested. The fact he thought to get himself tested means he likely had unprotected sex.
Your husband made many individual choices to end up in bed with her. First the flirting, then the kissing, then the getting a hotel room, then the undressing, etc. he could have stopped at any point but he didn’t because he didn’t want to. You only found out because she wanted you to know, not him, he would have happily lied to you for the rest of your life, knowing he got away with it and if you forgive him now, he can try again in the future to hide it better or choose his future affair partner better. He also blocked her on your phone, that’s a premeditated action to deceive you.
Yes your world seems at rock bottom at the moment, but you will get through this because you have a daughter, and you are stronger than you think.
Personally, I couldn’t stay with a cheating scumbag no matter how much I loved them, because they obviously didn’t love me enough to not cheat.

And yet in the real world some people have an affair, work on their marriage, and it works out just fine.

I'm not saying that is what OP should do, she is the only one who knows her husband and whether he is likely to change, but there is a lot of nonsense spouted on MN when it comes to this sort of thing.

You need to take a bit of time OP before you rush into anything.

Ladies, what's the previous (There We Are Then) poster's name? @MyHeartisinTwo could do with reading those posts to see how she coped & that there is life after being heartbroken..
Hugs, @MyHeartisinTwo A lot of us have been where you are.

I'm curious as to why OW told you. Has this been an ongoing affair, I wonder, and she'd been hoping/expecting him to leave you?

For someone to have a one-night stand with a colleague and promptly message the spouse, they'd have to be some kind of nutcase on a mission to break up marriages. Such people do exist, but it's hardly the most likely scenario.

You could ask her? I mean, you're in a horrid position where you don't really know who to trust, but it's probably best to get as many sides of this story as possible.