I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

He wasn’t sorry when you didn’t know.

I find it very hard to believe that the one and only time he’s cheated on you, he got caught.

Please don’t let being a single mum scare you OP. It’s not easy, but it’s not as hard as spending the rest of your life with someone you don’t trust.

Why did she tell you though? A drunken one off wouldn't really prompt a hunting down on SM I wouldn't have thought, especially if they work together There has to be more to it.

I'm sorry OP..he needs to keep his distance while you process it.

Is he rich? If not, it's over now. If he's rich I'd keep him for a few more years, set yourself up then dump him. Also they say with kids splitting up is better before age 7, after age 7 too much damage.

This ^^...how can he be wanting your trust if you don't know where he is?

Why did the other woman message you - to gain what? Unless there’s more between them. I’d ask why did he her block her. That’s odd for a one night stand.

I would want to make sure he isn’t still lying to you.

So sorry. Doesn’t have to mean it’s over unless you want that. Sometimes it can be a huge fucking wake up call and the marriage survives and thrives x

Fear of being a single parent is not the reason to stay.

There’s lots of other valid reasons to stay… you can see his remorse, together you agree to work through problems, this is an anomaly in an otherwise great relationship.

Bit please don’t stay due to fear of being a single mum. No matter what, you will make that work.

Im so sorry. This is awful. Sending you love.
There are worse things than being a single mum. Don’t let this be your deciding factor. Lots actually prefer it once they’re there.

yuck to him. His mental health - pah - does he give two hoots about what his actions do to your mental health.

breathe.

focus entirely on yourself now and what will look after you and your wellbeing. Turn all your efforts inwards. Book a holiday for a few days next week and leave him to look after your child - that will cock block him.

Of course it doesn't have to be over. It would be foolish to destroy everything for one silly mistake. The two of you need to find a way to work through this, so counselling would be a good option.

Being a single mum is much better than worrying about when a selfish man might be coming home at 3am on a work night (which my ex did TWICE IN ONE WEEK to me when I was eight months pregnant. A week before we split) - I am three years on now and don’t miss him and have a peaceful happy home with my lovely son!

I’m so sorry 💐

There is no law saying you have to leave him, but if you do choose to stay make life all on your terms now. The focus is on yourself and what you like and enjoy and want to do and will make you happy. Don’t run yourself to the ground looking after him and his mental health etc he can do that himself. Work less. Pleasure and treat yourself more. Etc. then when you’re feeling happy and more confident think about if you even find this toad attractive

This is a good point, it’s highly unlikely it only happened once

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through that. It makes me so mad that for many women they have to go through this immense pain because a man couldn’t seek help. Women shouldn’t be rehabilitators. You’re stronger than you know right now!

be realistic you don’t get to go skipping off into the sunset into a brand new home with your child. There would be lots of family court stress and she may have to coparent 5050 with the Instagram mistress. Don’t be naive.

Am so sorry op.

You don’t have to decide anything right now. But know that it will be your decision, not anyone else’s. Tell him you need some space and ask him to go for a bit. Get through the next 24 hours and let the dust settle. Eat if you can, sleep if you can, tell someone.

You will be ok. Honestly. Don’t stay with him out of fear of being alone though, believe me. 💐

The sex of one thing. People make mistakes. The lying, and letting you find out from her is unforgivable. He was so calculating he blocked her numbers on your phone.

I think your priority needs to be your physical and mental health. You need an STI test bevause he's put your health at risk. I think you should also book yourself councelling ASAP. You need to talk about everything because its a huge shock and incredibly traumatic. I would also boom an appointment with a solicitor regarding divorce and custody ( dont tell him!). Information is power.

Realistically, the relationship is over when you say its over. Personally, I couldn't stay. Id prefer to be singe than looking over my shoulder waiting for the next shoe to drop. You cant trust him to go to work without trifling.

Millions of women have been in your position up and down the country ask ask the same question but they do a fantastic job at being a single mum.

He didn't give you or your daughter a second thought when he was with the OW, absolutely kop out saying he was weak,he was absolutely thinking ok thinking with his d**k.

It feels tough now,a million thoughts running through your head,I've been in this position,but if you give him another chance that doubt will always be there,and if I'm being honest he doesn't deserve a second chance,he's cheated on you,on your daughter and on his wedding vows.

Good luck op.

Ah if he didn't it once he'll do it again, I'd put money in this not being the first time.

The fact he tried to blame you or your marriage for his infidelity tells me he's not remotely sorry, but he doesn't think you'd have the courage to leave him.

He very obviously doesn't value your life together as much as you seem to, he wouldn't have risked it if he did. He values a quick shag that lasted 10 minutes, more than 16 years of your life, more than your daughters family unit.

Yes being a single mum will be hard, but not as hard as sharing a life with someone that thinks so little of you.

Yes it does have to be over. You need to teach him this this is not acceptable to you.
Imagine what he’d do in the future if you let him get away with it.

That doesn’t mean it has to be over forever. Perhaps he’ll go and get help for his MH and whatever over the months to come, and perhaps there’s potential in the future. But right now you need space to heal and think about with YOU want from your life and your future.

Do your child a favour and leave him. Set them a strong example about positive relationships - You don’t need to be with someone who has no respect for you.

Things will no doubt be shit for a while, but this too will pass. Don’t waste your one precious life with this nonsense.

OP, I have been through exactly this myself. I'm so sorry, I understand exactly how you are feeling right now - I wouldn't wish that hell on anybody.

Right now you are in shock and processing what has happened - give yourself time to let it sink in before you decide anything. My DH and I were able to get through it and we came out stronger on the other side, though I know that is unusual. In order for that to be possible your DH has to be genuinely remorseful for what he has done - not sorry that be got caught but sorry for what he has done to YOU. He has to actually understand that he has caused you permanent emotional damage. He has to answer your questions honestly. If he minimises your feelings, makes excuses or lies/witholds information then it's the end.

I'm so sorry he has thrown this grenade into your relationship. It's the worst thing you can do to someone short of killing them. The trauma is off the scale. You will need support - please choose someone carefully that you can confide in, you cannot carry this burden alone.

I’m going to add that I know of a friend who did stay with her DH who cheated on her. More than once. She stayed for the sake of the children (was financially independent). That was many years ago and they’re still together. Personally, I think she’s far too good for him and that he takes her for granted. But on balance, she’s probably happy enough to have stayed.

In your situation a lot would depend on how long he was remorseful and how quickly he becomes defensive. That would be telling. Sending a big hug. Men can be such utter shits.

And he may do it again due to " mental health" if you accept it he has gotten away with it. He just wants an easy life and things to go back to " normal" is my best guess. Can you accept that he may do this again? If not get rid of him now. He has betrayed you.

Please take some time, ask him to leave for a while. You can't think straight with him in your face and in your head. Tell a friend in real life - so you have to deal with the reality. You can possibly keep going ( I personally wouldn't) but he will have to do everything you ask and shoud get a new job too. It's entirely your choice now not his. You will cope just fine on your own if you decide to do so.