I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

I’m still here and reading as I can’t sleep. Grateful for the support ❤️

Oh bless you. I agree with all the PP’s saying there is absolutely no need for you to make a decision now, or next week, or next month. You will feel a lot of different things over the coming months as you process this and you need to wait for your feelings about it to settle before you decide.

And don’t forget, you can change your mind about whatever you decide. You could try to work on your marriage and then come to the conclusion that the betrayal is too much. Or you could decide to split up but then slowly work things out over time and forgive.

I do think he should probably find somewhere else to stay for a bit to give you some space.

I also think OW is playing her own game.

A test in the first 2 to 3 weeks after is pointless for most STIs. And longer for HIV.

Even if he was tested and could provide results any negative result would in reality be inconclusive as he hasn't waited long enough.

They would have asked him when he first and last had sex with her. If it wasn't more than 2 to 3 weeks they wouldn't have tested him. He may have lied to them about dates or to you about the test or dates and times but there's a lie somewhere.

Don't trust that he's either had the test or the results.

Edit - I thought this happened days ago. Not "weeks" but unless it's 4+ weeks ago likely still applies...

I’m sorry OP. What a bastard!

Like others have said, you don’t need to decide anything right now. You need time to process and digest. You’ll be in shock. And a wave of emotions will come over you in the next few days and weeks. Sadness. Anger. Despair. Confusion. It will be hard to get through. But you will do it.

I have 2 friends who have experienced their husbands having an affair. Both OW were women from their work. 1 stayed together. And the other couple initially split but are back together a year later. Both couples have kids. I don’t know how they truly feel inside, both friends don’t really speak about it. But I truly hope they’re both okay and at peace with it.

If you do decide to split, please seek out free advice. But you don’t have to make any quick decisions right now.

Don’t let him try and gaslight you. & Don’t let him try and play the victim and make you feel sorry for him. A lot of men try and do that when they’re in the wrong. He may try and “win” you back with gifts like flowers and chocolates etc. do not fall for it.

Keep conversations with him minimal for the time being. And take as long as you need. Tell someone in person, someone you really trust. Or seek a few therapy sessions, it’s always better to speak out aloud about things like this.

To be honest, it sounds like if the OW hadn’t had owned up and told you, you would never know. So definitely take that into account.

So many people are here if you just want to post on here too. You’re not alone.

I’m so sorry @MyHeartisinTwo.

You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Give yourself time to process this.

Just wanted to say really sorry you're going through this OP. I went through something very similar when DS was 2. OW told me on FB.

I would just say try not to make any kind of decision right now. Your emotions are extremely heightened. I think H should take DC for the weekend and you get some space and time to yourself. It's the very least he could do.

I know you said you don't have anyone close by but do you have any girlfriends you could call?

he has a lot of grovelling to do. he needs to explain the extent of their relationship because this doesn't just happen if you're colleagues. they'd be flirting back and forth.

if he wants to work on this with you, he needs to cut off all ties with her. he needs to be honest about what led up to it and what else has happened.

try and get some sleep xx

and if he had to get tested, this would be likely due to him having unprotected sex with her. so does he know if she was on any contraception? did he think or even care about that or the risks?

he's also put you at risk for other things now too.

I’m so sorry he has betrayed you @MyHeartisinTwo don't make any decisions right now as you are in shock. I noticed he told you he was naive twice, once when he confessed and when he came back. He is try to make out he was so gullible and naive even though you told him to watch out and another female from work did too.

He blocked her on your phone - so he could tell you first?
If he had time to do that he had time to tell you first. Therefore bullsh!t.
When I was in the same situation I discovered that it wasn't the first time he has done it. You can't guarantee this is the only time. And it wasn't lack of sex that "made him do it"
He did it because he could get away with it. Why did OW tell you? Maybe he told her he was separating from you, or not married and she discovered he was neither. It doesn't matter, she has done you a favour, it's unlikely that.knowing what you know now that you'd have wanted her to keep it a secret. Risk of STIs, à child appearing on the scene.
Agree with those who suggested chumplady's website and forum . And her book (chumplady is Tracy Shorn)
And do tell anyone you want, you deserve to get support. Tough if he gets embarrassed or whatever, did he care how devastating his actions have been for you? Thought not

Yes.

He is a liar who definitely had unprotected sex with at least one woman. Please, please, get yourself checked for diseases.

Sending you lots of love. You need to take back the power and kick him out. Tell him you just need a few nights to get your thoughts together and tell him to go stay at his mum’s of a hotel. In this time, sort out your finances and take legal advice.

I must say he is taking no accountability and that is dangerous:

• Making excuses about not telling you
• not wanting anyone else to know: well that’s a you problem man child!!!

you cannot raise a daughter living with a man who doesn’t listen to you

Please get on the Chump Lady dot com website. Here, you will hear a lot of guff about forgiveness and reconciliation for your abuser from women who have made that same choice and need to find a way to feel it was worth it.

I wish I'd found Chump Lady when I was trying to decide what to do about my cheater, she makes things so crystal clear, I'd have walked years earlier instead of trying to fix an unfixable mess created by a selfish abuser. Because cheating is abuse.

And whatever you do do NOT go to relationship counselling with your abuser. Marriage counsellors are there to try to keep the marriage together and they need you to accept some blame for your abuse in order to do that.

One of the Chump Lady tag lines "Welcome to Chump Nation, the infidelity support site that doesn’t blame you for abuse. You loved someone with a double life, got lied to, and now you’re rebuilding — with your dignity, sense of humor, and values intact. Mighty looks good on you."

As she says "I argue you can hold out for better than a partner who abuses you. It’s a question of where you put your faith — I put it in chumps. Not the character recovery of abusers. Learning to captain your own ship is optimism, not cynicism...

This is our fundamental “misunderstanding.” Whatever advice you’re giving about infidelity — ask yourself if you’d give the same advice to domestic violence or fraud victims. If someone slammed your face through a window would you tell them to “make the marriage a good place to be” so as not to anger their abuser?

No, that seems ridiculous. Because we see physical violence and financial fraud as transgressive, criminal, and scarring. Yet the conventional wisdom (in the world at large and in marriage counseling) doesn’t see infidelity as abuse. Self-improvement, self-recrimination, and deeper investment are the messages commonly given to chumps by prominent therapists...

Cheating — having a double life, sexually acting out, conspiring against your partner — is psychological abuse (gaslighting, blameshifting). It’s sexual abuse (lack of consent, humiliation). Financial abuse (double lives cost money). It’s the theft of your reality (time, opportunity costs). It has physical costs (STDs, trauma).

We don’t make people abuse us.

If you work from the premise that infidelity is abuse, then you must logically conclude that we do not compel people to abuse us. Just like we don’t drive them to drink, or make them hit us. Our faults, real or imagined, do not make someone create dating profiles or blow their bosses. We don’t control other people. And if we did, we wouldn’t choose rejection as our superpower."

This will come in handy later, when your cheater and abuser tries to find a way to blame you for what he chose to do.

I will leave it at that. You are going through hell just now, hell that your abuser chose to put you through, for fun. He chose fun time with his penis over his marriage and family. I won't keep going on, but I genuinely wish someone had sent me these messages at the time.

And again, tell anybody you want to. It's not his place to abuse you even further by forcing you to lie for him.

Good luck.

https://chumplady.com/what-marriage-counselors-get-wrong-about-infidelity

I’m sorry you suffered from infidelity but (and I say this with all due respect) it’s unkind, unnecessary and untrue to say that people that manage to forgive and repair their marriage “need to find a way to feel it was worth it”. For many it was worth it for others it wasn’t. It’s not your place (or anyone’s) to judge what others do.

Human relationships are complex because humans themselves are complex. As I grow older and grow I understand more and more that there is very little black and white in life and mostly grey areas.

And I’m not advocation for the OP to stay as I don’t know how she feels, or what is right for her - that’s for her to decide. Without shame nor guilt.

My wish for the OP is that she manages to navigate this and come out the other side of it stronger and at peace with whatever decision she makes.

No, you're wrong - and of course being deliberately disrespectful.

No need to pretend that's aggressive, no need to pretend we need to discuss this further, no need to pretend you think "insert whatever insult you will now use".

No need for any further conversation between us about this at all.

You understood perfectly that you would not be changing my mind, but instead of simply addressing the OP thought you'd attempt to paint yourself as terribly wise and more compassionate and nuanced. You're not.

The OP has already received my considered and correct advice.

We have nothing further to discuss. Good luck, goodbye.

🤯.

In my opinion I’m not wrong of course. Because my way holds space for both my opinion and yours. Your way only holds space for yours.

Im not sure what you mean about pretending - this is a forum so I gave my opinion and perspective in no way I insulted you or was disrespectful.

also not trying to change your mind per se, again it’s a forum so an exchange of ideas and opinions is what generally happens on these platforms. Not painting myself as anything - wise is not a word I would use to describe me on my best day. But you’re not interested in any other opinion - heard that loud and clear 😂.

last piece I would say (unsolicited advise so you might not want to read ahead) your post comes across as super angry. Maybe you haven’t processed all this infidelity that has happened to you!

I also wish you good luck.

Oh dear. She thought that one night in the sack would be enough for him to leave you for her. It wasnt, so now she is forcing your hand to chuck him out so she can have him.

Given that the sex was clearly unprotected I think you need to be ready for the claims to be pregnant. Which sadly will be 50/50 on whether they are true.

This is a woman with an agenda. Thats not to say that you should hang on to him, quite the opposite but bear it in mind over the next few weeks when you dont just chuck him out and he doesnt go running to her that she may well up her game.

I’d warned him several times to not get too involved with her.

His close friend (also a woman) had apparently warned him about OW maybe wanting to be more than friends but he said that he was naive so didn’t listen to her or me.

OP, why are you and his friend acting like he’s a little lamb that things just happen to?

You warn someone that their shoelaces aren’t done.

You don’t warn a man that there’s a predatory woman on the prowl and his dick might fall into her.

The scrum to place the blame on the OW for snaring a man who is just too naive for this world has begun…

@dragonfly26 @Yogafiend

Do you really think that your spat is helping @MyHeartisinTwo ?

Right now the last thing she needs is two grown women scrapping like kids. Either DM each other, start another thread or pack it in.

Age old issue. Horrible to go through. Only you know if it is a deal/marriage breaker for you though.

@PyongyangKipperbang - you’re right I do apologise. - I won’t be responding any further. I didn’t want it to be a spat. I was genuinely trying to show a different perspective but I won’t engage further on this thread.

I dont think that she is acting like he is a helpless man who was ensnared, but he is as if that will somehow get him out of this.

Sounds like his best friend wont give him an easy time if/when she finds out.

But, how do you feel about the fact that he's trying to lay a lot of the blame for HIS cheating at your feet?

Couples have come back from this type of marriage disaster; but it is hard to do unless the partner realizes that only they are to blame and willing to do the work to regain the trust of their partner and deal with the aftermath of what they did. It also takes a long time for trust to rebuild, if it can be rebuilt. Definitely get counselling before you decide anything.

This is such a tough one, OP.

I wouldn't necessarily listen to everyone saying it's over. There have been many marriages which have rebounded stronger after infidelity than they were before.

On the other hand, it's not great that he did this when you are both still relatively young. (You can't be that old if you have a three-year-old.) Some people find that the vow of lifelong fidelity is just too much to live up to. Maybe he's one of those.

I am a romantic, and I think I'd find infidelity to have pierced the dream so much that it would taint everything. At least, that's how I'd have felt when I was younger and still married. But I'm much older now, marriage turned out to be a poisoned chalice for me (although he didn't cheat, as far as I know) and sexual fidelity doesn't seem like the kind of dealbreaker that it did when I was younger. It does seem crazy to dismantle all your history and your life and your future just because of what amounts to a few minutes of the old in-and-out.

I have grappled with that thought. The thought of, why do we humans place SUCH importance on short-lived physical acts? Why does it matter so much? Of course, if it happened to me, I would almost certainly be singing a different song.

So, I'm not much help to you, OP. I'm basically as confused as you are. On the one hand, if it's just sex, it's really nothing - and yet on the other hand, it's everything.

As a friend of mine once said, "There's something so gross about your man sticking his dick in someone else."

Curse him for doing this to you. You get to either turn your entire life upside down, or you get to live with the fear of whether he'll do it again. Nice.

It's often when men think that you're trapped that they start doing things like this. Abuse, infidelity....he thinks you're trapped because you're married with a three-year-old. He needs to know that you're NOT trapped. Even if you work it out with him eventually, I think you need to give him such a shock that he'll regret the day he ever laid eyes on OW. Ask him to get an AirBNB for a month. He NEEDS a shock.

I would ask him to show you proof of the STD test, and I would grill him about whether he's ever done this sort of thing before.

I am really, really sorry, OP. Nobody deserves this. Infidelity is the worst thing you can do to someone while remaining legal.