I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

He’s back now. To answer some questions:

He’d been friendly with the OW for a while and she’d been doing some things that made me uncomfortable for a while like calling him randomly in the evenings wanting to talk about her MH. He’d been supporting her and I’d warned him several times to not get too involved with her. He kept saying that it was all innocent. He has a lot of female friends and always has done because of the industry he works in.

He’s adamant that it was a one-off. His close friend (also a woman) had apparently warned him about OW maybe wanting to be more than friends but he said that he was naive so didn’t listen to her or me.
The OW said that she told me because I deserved to know. He said that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t know how to and that she basically got there first.

He says that he’s had an STI test and that it was clear. He’s saying that he’ll do anything to keep the marriage. He’s sleeping on the sofa tonight and I’ve said that I need time to think. I’m not working tomorrow thankfully but will still need to drop DD off at nursery and pick her up.

He’s asked me not to tell anyone as he’s ashamed and embarrassed.

I actually said to H if this was DD as an adult I would tell her to have some self-respect and leave. But it’s so hard when you’re in the situation yourself. I just want everything to be normal again.

My gut instince is that even if you want to engage in all those things - counselling etc - it has to take place with him having moved out. Separation has to be a part of the process so that you are both getting space and then actively, informedly, choosing each other if you return to co-habitant post counselling.

However, if he cannot come up with an explanation for his behaviour that is not, essentially, ‘well YOU weren’t there/available’ [because you were looking after your shared child], then I’d start exploring your legal options during the separation. Because he’ll never change.

Oh and if he felt bad about it he would have come home and thrown himsef on your mercy and confessed immediately not actively taken steps to stop you finding out.

Silly mistake? What sort of idiot comment is this ...

Im sure half the planet are struggling with their mental health but that doesnt mean they are sticking their penis where it doesnt belong, he could have done that and not come home at 4am, he wants sympathy and for you to go there there poor you, he wanted to get caught, and hes not sorry, tell.him to take his stinky penis and leave

I call bullshit. Of course he doesn't want you to tell anyone. He thinks you are weak and he can talk you round but if you tell someone it can't be brushed under the carpet. Get rid he's not worth keeping.

This is totally true and you will feel.shit ugly and fat old and useless and he will make you feel like that...

Sorry - this is bollocks. No man accidentally, naively, falls out of their trousers, their pants and actively has sex with another person (one assumes he accidentally remembered to used a condom? If not you might want to book a test).

Unless he has a severe learning difficulty and needs to be accompanied by a carer, which I assume you might have mentioned?

Sp… Really? I mean at the moment it is HER fault for setting her cap at him and YOUR fault because you were ‘distant’ (ie knee deep in child care and real life responsibilities.).

The more I read the more my advice is - tell him to fuck off and go to see a solicitor asap.

Honestly, when I've had depression in the past (due to things a very cruel ex put me through) the very last thing that went through my head was lying underneath some man. What a shit excuse.

Of course he says it doesn't need to be over. Because he's had his fun and wants to scuttle home to the little wife (in his eyes) and comfy home life now.

Of course she didn't tell you because you "deserve to know". Jesus Christ, are OWs still reeling out that line?? Did he dump her and she wanted revenge? You said he blocked her on your phone (ugh) so she'd obviously threatened him with doing this.

It really is up to you what you do next. You sound like you're leaning to the side of staying with him, "I don't know life without him" etc. Just know that he won't stop.

Fgs, this is the least helpful post! Way to make a woman feel worse when she’s already down. I mean, just why? It’s really cruel.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your old marriage is over. Whether you want to start a new marriage with this man is another question.

i highly recommend reading The State of Affairs by Esther Perel, and getting marriage counselling - regardless of whether you think you want to stay married. You have a child together so your relationship is going to continue in some form, marriage counselling will help you communicate better for the long term.

But also, give yourself permission to do nothing but cry and/or rage for a few days. You’ve had an almighty shock. Don’t rush into problem solving mode (how do I fix the marriage/how do I cope with divorce) just yet.

A mistake is having jam instead of marmalade ..when you stick your dick in another woman its not a mistake its hoping you wont get caught and why the hell should women just get over it...would he see it as a silly mistake if she had shagged other men no he wouldnt, this isnt the 1950's she doesnt have to put up with his silly mistakes ..

I get it. I always imagined that if my husband did something like that I’d end it. We’ve been together 22 years now, and have a (nearly) 4 year old. If I found something out now I don’t think it would an easy leave.

I think he does need to leave you to some space for a few days. And you have to tell a friend. You need someone who knows you and your relationship to give you advice and be a sounding board.

I would ask him to be completely honest. You want to see any messages between them. And you need the truth. Was it the first time? If not how many. You can only make a proper decision if you have all the facts. What will break trust more if he lies to you and more facts come to light later.

I think I could forgive a one time thing but not an affair.

What?

Why would OP feel "shit ugly, useless, fat and old" because of what two total reprobates have done to her?

Jesus. What a horrible thing to say!

You want things to be normal again - things won’t ever be normal again. Give yourself time. Only you can decide if you want to stay or go .. he doesn’t get a say at all. I’ve been there. I stayed. I have a good life, but it’s not the same life as I had before. The trust is gone, it will never come back completely. Some leve in this situation, some stay. There is no right or wrong .. it’s only what is right for you that matters.

I would have more respect for a man who said, “she’s attractive and I wanted to get my dick wet and my wife’s done nothing wrong” than played the mental health card and tried to attach blame to his wife.

The OW messaged you so she is clearly hurt and/or angry. Why, if it was a meaningless one night stand as he claims? The truth is that he probably made promises or led her to believe they had a future.

You could ask the OW for the truth give that she reached out to you

Don't for one minute think the OW told you, out the kindness of her heart, or because you thinks 'you deserve to know'. Nine times out of ten, it's for revenge. If this woman works with your husband or at least for the same company, then it's likely she knew your husband is married.

This was my first thought. Why has she gone out of her way to create a new account to tell you about a drunk one nighter?

I’m guessing the two of them grew quite close and he’s possibly mislead her on a few things.

No one’s going to all that effort and risk drama at their job for a one-off with no feelings involved.

It just cruel. It’s very stupid and best ignored.

Men almost always minimise.

There will likely be more to this than what he is telling you, OP.

It sounds like you've been doing a lot to try and keep things going amidst his so-called 'poor mental health', whilst working a stressful job. The mental health card gets pulled an awful lot by these men who appear to be falling over and finding their dick inside another woman - it's incredible, really. I have lost count of the number of threads I've read on MN where a devastated woman has been concerned about her husband or partner's mental wellbeing, only to find out he's been cheating.

Please don't fall for his crap (easier said than done, I know).

You deserve better than a liar, a cheat, and quite frankly him asking you not to tell anyone is awful. Does he expect you to be consoling him!? He's still thinking only about himself.

He says that he’s had an STI test…a note of caution, HIV can take up to 6 months for seroconversion so do not have unprotected sex in this time period (if you feel like having sex with him, which you may not).

Trust your gut OP.
I can hear it loud and clear in your posts. You’re absolutely right that it has to end - he only confessed because he got caught out.

I separated from my exDH for similar reasons in summer 2025 (my post-discovery-post went viral on MN) and we are now divorced. Our kids were nearly 4 and 18 months when we split. A year on and life is like night and day.

The divorce has been rough and he did try to come crawling back a couple of times, but I held firm, and everything is so much more peaceful now. It was from the moment we split up to be honest. Our eldest started school the September after the split and it could’ve gone both ways - there was so much change in his little life. But he’s absolutely blossomed and has become so much more confident. Youngest is an incredible character too, and is so independent and fun. And even though I only get them for 50% of the time, they have so much better a childhood, because I feel whole. They have a mummy who plays instead of feeling depressed and downtrodden and unloved all the time, and the difference in all of us is amazing.

I'm telling you this because we often worry about the impact of divorce on kids - but yours is still young enough that one day, separate, happier parents will be all she’s ever known. You’re strong and you’ve got this, I can tell. Remember what you deserve, and you’ll be ok ❤️

You had a life before him, you'll have a life after as well albeit a different one but one where your walls will sing again [quote from Chumplady as a previous poster mentioned].

Yes it's over. He doesn't respect you and you will think about it constantly, it will eat you up. Don't let him get away with it, too many men are let off with things like this. Let him suffer alone.

He says that they had a conversation yesterday and she asked if he’d told me yet. He said he wanted to be the one to tell me but thought she might first so blocked her SM accounts on my phone. She said in her messages to me that she thought he’d told me.

He’s saying all the right things. That he doesn’t want her. That he didn’t want it to be like this and that he didn’t want to see me upset. That he’ll change jobs and lock his phone away and do anything. He says it’s not my fault and that he knows he fucked up.

He’s agreed to give me space but I’ll have to work out what that looks like.