I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

You are in shock so please don’t make any sudden decisions. As others have said, he doesn’t get to call the shots so take some time and think about is best for you and your daughter. Wishing you strength.

I don’t know what I want to do. He’s gone out for now. I don’t know where.

Has he really ? That's his idea of restoring trust ?

If your dd came and told you she was in this situation, what advice would you give her?

he doesn’t get to make any choices regarding you just now. You are in control.

he needs to be a hell of a lot more honest than “weak and naive”. wtf does that even mean? Naive that he thought he’d get away with it?

he chose to thrown a grenade into your life you deserve a better explanation.

If you need to, you will cope. He can’t tell you it’s over, only you can decide and know if prior to this your marriage was good enough / strong enough to survive this. If you want to stay with him, don’t let your pride or what others say make you leave. Only you can decide and true friends will support you whatever your choice.
please do ask him to stay elsewhere for a few days to give you some breathing space to think straight and speak to a close friend to vent too and get support with little one if you can. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

From personal experience if they do it once they will do it again.

It is the deceit which destroys you rather than the actual unfaithfulness.

It is such a lack of respect.

If he had come to you and admitted it then maybe, maybe you might want to consider him staying but he hasn't.

Left to him you would still be deceived and always would be.

Hard though it is you would be better to cut your losses now than waste more time on him.

Don't be worn down by his pleadings.

He is also such a worm to be trying to blame you for what he has done.

That is the definition of a shitty little man child and makes this 100% worse.

Be strong. Get rid of him. You will not only survive, you will thrive without him.

I wish I could travel back in time and give myself this advice.

I'm so sorry OP.

The only thing I would say, is that I've seen people take the man back, and it does eventually happen again, in every case I've known.

That said, you don't have to make any decision now at all.

if he cared he would have come clean straight away, and then not tried to blame you when you found out. Poor man feeling distant wah wah wah.

I’m a single mum, TRUST ME, you’ll be fine and better off. My mental health is much better now I’m away from my dickhead ex.

Im so sorry your DH has breached your trust and cheated on you,im sure you are in shock and need time to process.
What did the OW say in her message?
I dont think your dh would have been hones twith you about this betrayal if you hadnt found out through the other women and that speaks volumes about his lack integrity and lack of respect for you,
If i were you,id ask him to leave and give you some space to process this awful betrayal,id find out as much as i could about what has happened between them,because he may still be giving you the minimum sanitised version.
STI check.
Get support in irl from people you trust and professional support if you need.
Look after yourself and give yourself time before deciding what you want to do.

He wasn't weak and naive. Men like this know exactly what they're doing.

If he's so remorseful why did it take the OW to tell you? Surely the guilt would've tore him up inside even the morning after...

So sorry to you and your daughter OP, this man does not deserve you.

most here will tell you to leave and say they’d leave without question. But it’s ok to give a hypothetical answer, when it’s your reality it’s different. Plenty of people do forgive affairs, some go on to lead happy life’s and build trust again, others end up miserable and maybe more affairs and eventually split. You would cope as a single mum, despite what you might think.

Don’t rush into any decisions right now. Of course he will promise the earth, but its not for him to be saying it doesn’t have to be over. Good luck OP.

Yikes! I hope you have a plan to return to work OP. Agree with you need to get an STI test and so does he!

Well he would say that wouldn’t he.

You don’t know that.

Based on what you've said, this has probably been going on for a while and the party night was the culmination.

Why would he need to block her accounts on your phone? I imagine he's been leading her a merry dance too - promising something (a relationship) he wasn't able to deliver. Then when he slept with her & refused to leave you the SHTF. He's just done and going to do whatever he needs to get what he wants and cause himself the least bother. Spineless awful man.

What other women who have been in the same position as you often realise, is that in hindsight they've probably either always been like this or it starts when children come along - suddenly they're not the priority and are not happy in having to pull their weight in a relationship and as a parent.

Fast forward 25 years.

Your DD tells you her husband has done this to her.

What would your advice be?

Agree with others. You need space to process this. This isn’t something you can get over or forget without a LOT of work. Right now he is panicking because he’s about to lose his comfy life and financial security. But he’s likely addicted to the thrill of the affair. There is no guarantee that it wouldn’t continue behind your back despite all the big gestures and contrite words. You can’t trust anything he says. The only way you can trust him is if his actions over time show you he is genuinely remorseful and would never risk your relationship again. That means making hard choices that are uncomfortable for him. Changing jobs, open phone policy, location on and anything else YOU need to build trust again. Six months out of the home at his own expense or inconvenience without any guarantees you will take him back at the end of it.

Like someone else said, he won’t respect you for forgiving his infidelity without consequences. You are just showing him you don’t value yourself either.

Accept that the relationship you had is gone. Take time to grieve it and then decide if you want to build something new with this man or whether it would be easier to build a new life without him.

Doing nothing is an option. Take a bit of time to catch your breath, and work out what you want to do. It doesn’t have to be over if you don’t want it to be, but only you can decide whether you can get past this. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Good luck lovely. 💐

You will get through this. You need to take time be selfish take time for yourself and think about what you want. Is this a blip ( unacceptable) but you can come back from this if you want. But if it’s the end for you then take your time to get your ducks in a row, and lay out what you need. Don’t stay because you’re frightened of being alone or starting again. Stay for the right reasons. Otherwise you will never be happy.

You’re in shock. Don’t do anything yet. Just feel your feelings. Cry. Be angry and you’ll begin to see more clearly what you need and want to do. I know this. And sometimes a marriage has to break down to be rebuilt. Xxx

What did the woman say in the message? What was her reason for telling you? I’m asking because is she a woman scorned - did she expect more and he’s ended it with her so she’s trying to get back at him by telling you? If so, it may have just been more than a one night affair.

Why did she tell you? Has this been going on longer than you know and she was hoping he'd leave you for her, but he refused? Or dumped her?

I am so sorry OP, been there, got through it, survived and then rebuilt my life. But that's enough about me, you and your little one are what matters here and as others have said i hope you have someone in real life you can confide in, someone who will make you big mugs of tea, listen to you at whatever hour you call them and to just totally be in your corner. The shock is hideous, I will never forget the day I found out, nor will you but you will get through and there will be better times X

16 years together… who’s to say that this hasn’t happened before? You only found out this time because the OW reached out.
Maybe it is the first time, and last, but the problem is you’ll never know. For some people that is a lot to carry. It’s difficult to say what to do, it’s something you will have to decide for yourself. What can you live with and carry and what can you not. Ultimately only you know that. And trust your gut.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. As so many others have said you will be in shock right now and shouldn't rush into anything.

You need space to think things over in your own time and decide whether this is a line in the sand for you without being rushed or pressured.

You have been together for a long time yes but if you decide you cannot live with him after this betrayal (and in all honesty I couldn't do it personally - if they show they can do it once, they can again) then please know that life as a single person/parent is in some ways far easier than trying to accomodate someone else's views and ways.

Finally, as others have said think about how you want your DD to expect to be treated in her future relationships and model it.

Sending hugs for what you are going through 💐