I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

OP many years ago I was in your shoes. I begged and pleaded with my OH. I knew he'd been up to no good. And I watched for weeks knowing he was up to something. I gave him the chance to be honest and he said he was, but he wasn't he was lying still. Looking back now I was pathetic, I didn't want to be on my own, didn't think I could cope on my own, I was so worried for my DC and didn't want to not be a family unit. Eventually he left 🥳 and once I had got my head around it all I was the happiest I had ever been. Me and my DC had the best time together. I then met my now DH and honestly if I could go back in time and slap the old me for putting up with what I did I would.
Don't be too hard on yourself.

You're being ridiculous. It's not "sad" at all - she has the brains not to make hasty decisions in the heat of the moment. It's JUST happened. Even if she did make a snap decision to divorce, you can't change your life overnight. She can't kick him out; he has a right to be there. And why should she leave? These things take many months to sort out. Grand dramatic gestures on the spur of the moment make everything worse. OP has the intelligence to let the dust settle.

I'm not sure if you are still watching this thread OP, but wanted to write to you anyway. You have had MANY posts of leave the bastard, and I wanted to make one from the other foot (so to speak).

I went through a similar thing (although different in that it was a drunken one night stand with a stranger, so no emotional connection) and reading your posts brings me back to how I felt at that time.

I will say now, I decided to stay with my partner (shock horror!!!) and are still together now.

My first bit of advice would be not to rush into making any decision that is driven by emotion. You (like me) are financially constricted, and have a young DD to consider. Living under the same roof is not horrific, if your on polite enough terms and have set clear boundaries then don't feel like your not 'acting' the way you should by shipping him out the door. Sometimes life isn't that straight forward and isn't possible. But you have time, nothing needs to be decided in the next week, month or even few months.

My second bit of advice, would be to quietly sit back and observe his behaviour. Watch what he does without being prompted or asked, allow him the space to make it up to you, to begin to put things right. You did not create this problem, so it is not up to you to fix.

Thirdly, and I say this with nothing but kindness, don't allow ego to cloud judgement. And by that I mean, don't push yourself into making a decision or choice because it socially is the expectation to instantly bin some one who has been unfaithful. No-one on this planet has to live the life you do, nobody see's the intricate details of your relationship apart from you. I really struggled with this aspect, the self judgement of feeling weak and a pushover for even thinking about remaining in the relationship.

There is nothing weak about remaining in a relationship where it is wonderful 99% of the time. Yes, the pain and devastation that the 1% creates is nothing to minimise. But the 1% doesn't have to define your marriage.

Only you knows what is right for you, your family and your life. And whatever decision you make, has to be the one that feels right for you.

If it helps, me and my partner are very happy together now. Its been 4 years, its taken ALOT of work both individually and together. And I can honestly say it was one of the most difficult emotional journeys I have ever been through, but for me? It was worth it. I am glad I gave him a second chance. I have now managed to forgive, never forget, but forgive.

Whatever you chose, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Please feel free to private message me if you need, sometimes a stranger over the internet can be the perfect sounding board.
Wishing you all the love and support possible x

You don't have to agree.

I wouldn’t read to much into his new domestic side, DP also becomes a domestic god when he’s been bollocked for something. I think most men do it to try and get off the shit list.

Agreed.
Take your time to process this, to get over the shock, to have time to think.
To spend time with your DD.
Step by Step.
Take care of your physical health. Give your self breaks (even if finances are tight it was a good idea to have a hotel break so you could think)
You will make your decisions when the time is right for you.

Having said that it's always a good idea to research your options thoroughly, rather than assume.

Wishing you all the best whilst you navigate your path, whatever that might be.

The tone towards her was horrible, which is why it's been deleted.

I have no power to wish anything into existence. Like most people, I hope that others who do people wrong get their just desserts. Your viewpoint is just virtue-signalling, especially as you have the luxury of not being the victim.

I'm not claiming that you have the power to make your wishes come true. I'm pointing out that if you did, your wish would cause further harm.

The fact that you've assumed I'm not speaking from experience is the icing on the cake.

Totally agree

Absolutely this.

Yes, but since I DON'T have the power to make anything come true, I'm going to go on hoping that Madam gets her just desserts. If you've been the wife in this scenario, and you don't hope for karma, then you're definitely a better person than I am.

I'd go back in time and stop the wedding!

I know I can't get you to ditch the sexism, nor the brain melting idea that the first cheating is evil but the second cheating is wonderful. (Presumably, since this is justice, the new OW and doubly cheating man get rewarded forever for this affair? Does it go on forever with the man getting more and more cosmic kudos the more he cheats?)

But could you at least please stop calling it karma? Karma is a nuanced, sensitive and complex concept that needs to be taken alongside other concepts too (including loving kindness, sorry) and I'm so sick of people spreading the idea that it's actually rubbish like this.

Yes, you’re going to go on hoping that an infinite amount of further suffering will be created.

I don’t believe in karmic justice, but if it existed, this hope itself would surely be enough to get you some sort of comeuppance.

OP this is devastating. So sorry. He’s told one too many lies. This was clearly an ongoing affair and certainly not the first and only time he’s slept with her.
Lying about the STI testing is just another level of diabolical, because he does not give a crap about your health and has put you at risk without a care. That’s piece of shit level behaviour.
He’s also using mental health as an excuse to get away with this. Mental health does not cause you to send nudes to a work colleague, visit her home, sleep with her. He’s despicable. And she’s just the same. She knowingly has done all this and there’s a special place for women like that.
He’s also abused his power in the workplace, and if she gets pissed off enough, she can go to HR and tell a very different story to them.

He’s sorry and crying because he’s been caught. The whole blocking her from social media shows calculation on his part.

My petty self would tell him you want to work on it, and that he has to change jobs or remove her from his team, never speak to her again, and pretend it’s going fine. While you take yourself out, meet someone and dump his behind.

I just want to say thank you again to all those who have provided supportive and useful responses. Unfortunately some people on here do not appear to be able to comprehend that this is my life, not a soap opera and that there is a tiny child in the midst of all this who has done nothing wrong. She has to come first, regardless of what H has done.

As such, the choices that I have made currently are in her best interests, because I as her mother, know what is best for her and for my family.

I will be leaving this thread for now. I think some individuals ought to be ashamed of themselves for tearing down vulnerable women who are seeking support that they may not have in real life.

Yes it is very easy for keyboard warriors to tell you what to do when it is not them living your life.

Take care and so sorry about the nasty posters. x

Don’t pay any of the harsh PP’s any mind. Some people are very reactive, some people think infidelity is the worst crime, some people need to justify the choice they themselves made, everyone is different.

I like to think that if my DH ever had a one night stand then I would be dealing with it exactly the same way as you. Take my time, one step at a time, and not make any rash decisions. It definitely wouldn’t be an automatic deal breaker for me and would depend on a lot of different factors.

For what it’s worth, I think you’re being very sensible and coping with this admirably 💐

That as well! I honestly don't recognise the person I was back then.

I am sure you will make the best decisions for yourself and your family. You sound lovely, very sensible yet empathic. I wish you well and don’t take any notice of the horrible keyboard warriors … they must lead very sad lives. x

@MyHeartisinTwo you come across as a strong woman who knows what may be ahead and will address it at your pace and in your own time. This has been a good thread where you have received support for your position, something which can be rare to see sometimes on MN. Ignore those who love drama.
Once again another woman has left her own thread because some cannot and will not accept her position, therfore adding to her trauma and grief.
OP if you can please do come back. Ignore those who won't accept your pace in dealing with this. You have had lovely supportive responses, concentrate on those. Good luck.

I've been following your thread, your making the best decision for your family and its nobody elses business but yours, I really hope it all works out for you whatever the outcome xx

I stayed for me. Then I divorced him over something else years later.