I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

So not only did they have sex, he’s been having cosy chats with her after. And didn’t tell you. Nice. If I felt desperate guilt after this I would’ve blocked her, and only spoken to her if approached to say not to talk to me about anything unless work related again.

Think very hard. Your daughter is 3. Splitting at this age will cause her minimal trauma. It’ll be a LOT worse if she gets to 7/8/9, and a nightmare if she’s a teenager. Can you live with this resentment and humiliation for another 15 years? I couldn’t.

I’m actually quite a relaxed spouse and could forgive eg a kiss, but sex with somebody who had clearly been overstepping boundaries, and he let her, then didn’t tell me, but carried on chatting to her..? No fucking way.

Absolutely this. Take your time. You’re the one living through this ,no one else.

Sexism? It’s not sexist to hope that someone gets their comeuppance. For the record, I hope that everyone experiences the consequences of their actions, no matter their sex or gender, not just this woman.

As for karma, I’m using the word how it’s normally used by everyone. I’m not interested in fringe interpretations.

Good to know you're in a position to speak for "everyone". I'll let you know next time I need someone with such authority.

The sheer arrogance of stating the Buddhist definition of a Buddhist concept as a "fringe interpretation".

It's a shame you have no interest in learning what the words you use mean (although I guess that's how you square your sexism as not being sexist), because what you're doing is actually really, really, really terrible karma.

OP - I completely understand where you are at. I was in the same situation myself and I completely understand how you are feeling. It's not up to strangers on the internet to tell you what to do or hassle you to kick your DH out. Real life is not that cut and shut, and your situation is not entertainment. For what it's worth I chose to stay with my DH, and I will always be glad I did. He was a changed man after what happened, his remorse and shame were genuine and he learned the hard way what he really cared about. The first two years after discovery were brutal on both of us, but after that we had the strongest, closest years of our marriage, it was genuinely the best of times for us. He died aged 46 this year, and I am so grateful we had those precious years together and didn't split up. On the other side of the coin my close friend went through similar the following year and stayed, but they are unhappy, always shouting at each other, so it really is a very individual and personal choice, whether to stay or leave. Nobody else has the right to judge you or dictate what you should do - only you know your DH, nobody on this thread does, and only you can make the choice, and only after lots of thought.

Indeed. ‘Fringe interpretation’. Give me strength. 🤦🏻‍♀️

🤣

Just truthful. Plenty of posters liked it before it was removed. N one likes the truth though if it doesn't fit what they are doing.

Ignore me.Half asleep already.

God, people on here are so negative. They take the slightest thing and blow it up into some terrible thing and ascribe the worst possible motives and put the worst possible interpretation on something. This is bad karma. I just checked two dictionaries and in both, the second definition is basically hoping that someone gets their just desserts. That is how it's used in common parlance, like it or not. Advise taking a spoonful of sugar...might make you and your fellow PP-smackers a bit sweeter.

Also the above @ThatCyanCat And also, as I said before, hoping that someone gets their just desserts is not, in any way, sexist. As I said before, I hope that anyone who does seriously bad things experiences the consequences of their actions, regardless of sex or gender. If you think this is sexist, then you're completely stark raving mad and should check a dictionary.

In fact, both of you should check the dictionary since you're apparently unaware that karma is used in a mainstream sense as well as in its fringe sense.

Actually, it's official. Check the dictionary. I just checked two, Webster's and the Cambridge dictionary, and they both had the concept of just desserts as the second definition. That IS how it's used in common parlance.

I hope two dictionaries are authoritative enough for you. Or you could just ask me, as you suggested, since I was right. The second definition is how everyone uses it. Unless you're determined to be awkward and not to know that, just to have a go at someone. Have you swallowed a bottle of vinegar or something?

Your unpleasantness for no reason is really bad karma, btw.

But in your hope, the desserts aren’t just, because they create infinite suffering for a chain of third parties.

Now we are being lectured on negativity by someone whose dream is a world of endless cheating and pain, where nobody ever looks at the wreck of their last relationship and thinks "that was bad, I will not do that to anyone again". No, they just carry on forever... but of course, the most important thing is that "Madam" gets "just desserts", even if Madam wasn't even married and didn't actually cheat on anyone. The man, of course, gets cheating sex forever.

Try reading this if you want to begin to know what you're talking about: https://www.dhammawiki.com/index.php/Kamma

I really didn't think it was too much to ask, if you must be sexist and spiteful, not to defame Buddhism while you do it by spreading misinformation about what they believe and teach. But I guess the need for cheaters to suffer above all else - even above stopping cheating - really has no limit.

As well as talking utterly rubbish, these people don't actually hate cheating at all. They love it. Look at them glorying in the idea of an endless cycle of it.

Honestly, that person seems to love nothing more than arguing on as many threads as possible. I’d walk away from this one. Anyone who calls a concept originating in an ancient global philosophy a ‘fringe interpretation’ is probably not worth your time.

Ancient doesn't mean good. If it did, we'd still be throwing Christians to the lions.

Buddhists are all a bit mad, aren't they. There's one round here, prancing about in his robes. But he's a well-known con artist, always trying to get money out of people. Also gets sloshed in the local boozer, which doesn't seem very Buddist-y. 🤔

It’s a bit mad, not to mention offensive, to judge all people following a religion on the actions of one person.

So that’s representative of all Buddhist’s? It’s not is it?

The thing is OP, you’re not thinking clearly as you admit. Eg you’re saying his behaviour will factor into what you do, he’s being helpful etc. but simultaneously you say he’s out of the house working long shifts ie with her, they’re colleagues, he hasn’t got a new job yet. So the risk is still there, for all you know he may be leaning on her for support / his needs whilst he’s out.

Have a little listen to the affair podcast, it’s a really eye opener and might make you process some of your feelings (and your DH). We are working through my DH Infidelity gently, the podcast really helped me