How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

1. When out in public start scratching your head manically saying "Mum are you sure the nits aren't back?"

I don't often say this, but truthfully LOL.

1. When getting yourself food and/or drinks because your Mum's too lazy busy to get them right now, make as much mess as you possibly can and don't clear it up afterwards.

1. Spend all day whinging at your mother and then when your father comes home give him your brightest smile. This will send your mother over the edge

1. In fact, whinge in general.

1. After spending hours trying on new shoes, finally buy a pair, come home and say "these are squeezing my toes a bit" Watch your mother sob.

We might need to stop numberering these

at whacky numbering due to x-posts!

1. Turn out your whole drawer when looking for clothes to wear, and not put anything back afterwards.

Wait until you are completely muffled up for going out and then fill your nappy just as you are being put in the car.
Make sure it goes everywhere and seeps through to your vest and socks.

Lose your entire school uniform.

In the house

1. Wake up crying for no reason at 2am in the morning and then when your mum comes in to comfort you, scream: "Not YOU, I want daddeeeeeeeee!" (who is still fast asleep cos he's got his deaf head on}.

Be aware all small people that repeating yourself even after you have been acknowledged is the way forwards. It will definately get you what you want. It is not even moderately annoying. At all. Honestly.

eg, 'Mummy, I saw an aeroplane. Mummy, aeroplane. Look Mummy, Aeroplane. Mummy I want an aeroplane. See it. MUMMY... I want an aeroplane. MUMMMYYYYYYYYYY'

'Yes I see it darling...'

'Mummy, look aeroplane. I want one. I want an aeroplane. Mummy see it? Look Mummy' etc, etc, etc

This behaviour will only make your relationship with your parent stronger. They will love it.

Make that noise. You know, the one which isn't quite a cry but a general 'I'm not happy and I may start to cry soon'.

If your parents does what you want, reward them by making the noise again and again, because it obviously gets you what you want.

Stamp on a packet of crisps. They'll adore that

Or indeed, stamp on a carton of juice, with the straw in. It makes a lovely fountain.

Do this with a many cartons as you can find.

Have to be dragged out of bed on a weekday at 7.30 and whinge loudly about getting dressed for school/brushing teeth etc. Then when it is the weekend, wake Mummy and Daddy up at 6.00 am, FULLY DRESSED and accessoried with jewellery and lipgloss, to infom them that you and the cat are both hungry and want some breakfast.

And be especially bright and cheery on those mornings when you KNOW your parents were drunk happy and dancing round the living room til 2am.....

WHile you are stammping on them, take the cereal boxes out and jump on them so everyone gets crumbs for breakfast.

Quietly eat red crayons so that your parents think you are bleeding out of your arse when they change you.

Chase the cat/ dog. It's hilarious. Seriously, you know they secretly love that adrenaline rush

The best way to indicate that you've finished eating is to throw the leftovers all over the floor - unless it was Weetabix, in which case smear it on whatever surfaces are available: it will stick like glue and be a useful reminder to your mother never to feed you again to supervise you while you eat instead of vainly trying to tidy up.

Also, your mother's most expensive face creams are almost as good at cleaning carpets as Sudocrem.

And she loves the drawings you do in the book she is reading.