How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

Clean the bath with mummy's favourite bath gel - all of it.

Using mums hairdryer/ straighteners/ very expensive hair products.

Using stepdads razors and then putting them back in the cabinet.

Leaving wet towels on the bed for hours to dry, its a much more environmentally friendly way of drying things, uses no electricity or energy.

Using all your phone credit and then expecting the free use of mums contract phone because she never uses all her minutes.

take the contents of your nappy and smear it all over the walls at nap time, throw as many lumps of poo as you can find as far as possible.... mummy gets a nice supprise when she comes to get you up and will be searching for poo for weeks on end.

this is a daily occurance in my house...... ds is a pain in the bum for it.

Wait until your parents are busy and preferably in another room (when they are going to the toilet is a good time) and let out the most ear-splitting blood curdling screams as if you are being attacked by some killer animal or have had an accident whereby your leg is hanging off when really its because a poxy fly nearly landed on you.

scribble on, screw up or tear to shreds important documents like letters from the council or coursework that mummy has spent hours working on.

This thread has to go in classics!

Seconded, EachPeachPearMum!

I know this has already been said, but it is a uber-winder-upper so I think it should be restated: don't learn 'mummy'. Learn 'daddy', 'cat', 'neighbour;s name', 'childminder's name', 'grandad' etc etc. This will cause WHOLE HOURS of conversation between distressed mummies at toddler group. Try to get all your friends to do the same, except for one child. This winds up and provokes intense jealousy of mum of that one child.

And ideally, when you do learn "Mummy" use it mainly for CM / nursery worker / grandmother (ideally paternal one) rather than for your actual mother

squabble over anything possible..... a spoon.... a ball of fluff.... a smelly sock.... the whinging noise and cat fights will drive mummy up the wall

Stop saying 'i love you mum' and start screaming 'i hate you so much' at the top of your voice so everyone in the street can hear. Best if accompanied with slamming the back door and garden gate as you flounce off with friends.

instead of calling mummy mummy, call her by her name..... makes her feel really special.

1)Remove the viewing card from the sky box and post it into a small crack in the floor boards.

2)Remember that cleaning your bedroom involves pushing all the empty crisp packets, dirty clothes/ contents of your PE bag/ school books/ make-up/ tissues etc., from the middle of the floor to the outside- fools them every time!

Dirty clothes should be kept under your bed along with the leftovers from your packed lunches from the last week.

Remember to moan and strop when you have no clean clothes.

WHen clean clothes do appear neatly ironed and folded on your bed remember to carefully screw them up, throw them in the bottom of your wardrobe and complain they haven't been ironed.

and when you learn a new word remember to repeat it several hundred times an hour.
when walking to school remember to point to every single car and say mum, car.
oh how you will make mummy chuckle

For 5-9 year olds. Get up at 5.20am when you don't need to be up until 7.20am. Wake your parents with 'I went to the toilet but I can't wash my hands as there's a spider behind the basin'. Wait for your father to respond unsympathetically and let him think you've been persuaded you are brave enough to ignore or move the spider. Then, just as Mummy and Daddy get back to sleep, go back in and say 'I thought about it but I can't'. Look like you might cry. Then Daddy will get up and get rid of the money spider for you that you're normally not scared of. They will especially appreciate the 'broken sleep' when they haven't had it for a good few years....

Come out of school and inform your mum that you didn't eat your packed lunch because you don't like it, even though you ate it the other day.

Infact go off everything your mum puts in your lunch box (apart from crisps and chocolate biscuits of course) until she really is at a loss of what to give you

toddlers: why not say "NOO" to the offer of absolutely everything, including things to which the actual answer is "yes". then howl because you ddidnt get whatever you said no to, because actually YOU DID WANT IT. when your mummy patiently then offers it again, say "NOO!" again and so on. the longer you can keep this up, the more mummy enjoys the game.
never, ever agree to eat the same food twice. why be predictable?
pushchairs are the devil's work and you should never agree to sit in one. on the other hand, if mummy has taken you at your word and stupidly gone out without the pushchair, make clear within three minutes that you must go in it NOW and couldnt possibly walk another step. if she returns to the house for the pushchair, of course, refuse to sit in it.

PMSL at this thread! Definitely a classic!

This is best done on a school/nursey day when everyone is running late and your mum/dad is getting really flustered . . .
Wait until you have been asked 15 times to put your coat/shoes on and your mum/dad starts to help you. Scream loudly and repeatedly "I can do it by myself" and proceed to do so at a painfully slow rate.
It's really good, cos you get to see your mums/dads face get really red!

Teenagers, decide you have got to become vegetarian just after mum has done the previously mentioned shop (eek) and has no more money to waste spend on extra food. Then complain about how unfair parents are. After all, its YOUR body and what goes into it is YOUR choice.

The moment you turn 2 start kicking, screaming and having the biggest temper tantrums imagineable...... but hey if your 18 months and you feel like one...why wait?

This thread is a classic .... and is now making me sob.
DD = 15, DS = 3 and another one on the way. teen, toddler and newborn ... what were we thinking!!

Wake mum up at 5.30am with 'I'm hungry, is it morning yet? But I'm starving' then, when breakfast (of your choosing) is put in front of you an hour or so later, occasionally playfully eat a tiny bit but concentrate on asking questions about the meaning of life or trying to get mum to respond to the knock, knock Dr Who joke AGAIN.

Insist, very loudly, that you want to say hello to mummy's work client who has rung the home number as mummy's meant to be working and daddy's meant to be looking after you but is doing something which doesn't involve being in the same part of hte house as you...

Siblings, co-ordinate your sleep. The ideal scenario is for one to start wailing like a banshee just after exhausted parents collapse into bed after dealing with the other one. Too much sleep is bad for parents.

Paint with mummys nail varnish on whatever surface you like, including her bed. She really will appreciate your artistic talents.

Put all of mummy's tampons down the toilet. You could also use a whole roll of loo paper, cotton buds, sanitary towels, mummy's make-up, whatever takes your fancy really.

Smash a dozen eggs that mummy has only just bought all over the sofa. That'll tach her for locking the door when she goes to the toilet