How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

If you feel sick during the night, be sure to go into mummy & daddy's room & vomit on the carpet at mummy's side of the bed. The smell will stay there for a long time & will remind her never to feed you horrid sprouts again.

If you feel slightly ill, don't tell your parents, go out to the posh restaurant and hurl on the table. Twice.

Ring your mum from school, 2 hours before you are going to be picked up for your school Ceilidh and tell her that you need a haircut because someone's put chewing gum in your hair.

And a brief top tip -

If this happens to you, peanut butter gets the chewing gum out. You massage it into your child's hair round the lump of gum, and it greases it so it slides down the hair. Of course you, your child, and the dining room then get covered in peanut butter and chunks of peanut (perhaps I shouldn't have used crunchy peanut butter....). Butter and mayo are supposed to do the same thing - for the nut allergic child.

when in the supermarket merrily repeat "mummy don't forget wine, and beer for daddy. daddy like beer."

Toddlers, when going swimming, make sure you pull mummy's costume down just as hard as you can. She loves to show her breasts to the lifeguards, particularly since they look so great after breastfeeding. If you can shout "Look - boobs!" really loudly that will make her even happier.

shout are you my daddy loudly in restaurant to grab other diners attention.gets them tittering and staring at mum and dad

Re: Sunhats

Toddlers - Mummy only wants you to wear a hat because it makes you look stupid cute. It has nothing to do with your red hair and porcelain white skin. Dispose of it as soon as you can after leaving the house. Good ways to do this include throwing it in the road, dropping it under the wheels of the buggy, or placing it into the mouth of one of the dogs trotting alongside the buggy. Do your best to ensure Mummy doesn't notice until you are miles away from the hat, or it has been thoroughly chewed by the dog. Mummy loves doubling back on herself to find the stupid cute hat, or extracting it from the dribbly mouth of the dog.

Note: This only applies when outside. Inside you must wear the hat AT ALL TIMES, and scream like you are being murdered if Mummy tries to take it off you.

For the enterprising preschooler. Help Mummy do the weekly shop by secreting toys and sweets in the shopping trolley...if you are lucky she will be distracted enough by your baby sister that they will be scanned by the nice checkout person and you get to keep them.

Socks - socks must be pitched overboard whenever you are in the buggy. Similarly that toy you weren't fond of - mum will spend hours online trying to find a replacement if you pretend to be miffed that it's gone.

Okay, if this happens, be sure to remember these instructions:

You find you parents suddenly taking you to church.

You will find a plate/bag full of money. Take all of the money - it is for you. Isn't that nice?

On the subject of church, if you see a cross with a man on it, be sure to make vomiting noises and declare as loudly as you can "Mummy, isn't that horrible. why is there a man hanging there like that?"

stayingsunnygirl - i feel a little out done here! as you were!
Piprabbit - that made me laught

Another one for all you church go-oers

If you are at a very formal funeral mass where the priest is wearing a black cope (cape type thing) start yelling 'ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner BATMAN, BATMAN!!!!!

Really lifts the spirits of all the glum looking people

babyicebean - that actually would raise a smile i bet. How could you not snigger into your hankie!

babyicebean - my brother actually did that, many, many moons ago when we were little kids. (waaaaay back in the '70s)
I thought he was..er..unique....

Ha ha - that is quite funny and probably a nice way to relieve the tension.

Sorry itstooearlyforgin. Please forgive me.

Mum dressed unusually smartly today? That probably means she's going somewhere boring, like work or a concert or a night out with friends. You know how much she misses you when she has to go to these things, so make sure you leave a little memento of your presence about her person. For older children, the choice is endless - paint, chewing gum, peanut butter and the ever popular bogies are all surefire winners. Younger ones can just vomit on mum's shoulder or down her cleavage, although you may wish to leave your gift in a more subtle place so she has the added benefit of surprise at discovering it later.

Daddy never needs such reminders as he's used to going without you most days

Shedoestheflamingo Your brother is not unique - apparently I was a repeat offender.Does not go down too well at a very very old style Roman Catholic funeral.Maybe if I had done it in Latin?

Sorry I got your name wrong

sunnygirl - I'm not being sarcastic at all - completely sympathesise - must be a complete mare!

If the clothes you're taking off at the end of the day (or after trying them on for five seconds & deciding not to wear them) are clean, put them in the wash basket. Your Mum loves washing.

If they're dirty, scrumple them up somewhere and wear them again.

If Mum notices and tears the dirty ones off you just before you leave for school, at least she'll get to iron the clean ones an extra time after she's retrieved them from the wash basket. You know how she loves ironing.

Very late but thank you for this thread.
My only complaint - I have read it whilst my class is watching Mississippi Burning and keep laughing at inappropriate moments. I now have a headache from trying to suppress my giggles!!

Wait until Mum has taken Xenical and wolfed down some forbidden fried potatoes.
'Post' an entire toilet roll down the toilet.Make sure it is the Last Roll In The House.

if you are in a pram and a shoe falls off, dont tell mummy, or if you do make sure it is miles away from where you fell off, then demand that you want your shoe and scream until mummy goes back to look for it.

Toddlers, especially effective if there are two, play noisily under parents feet, get in the way of that TV programme they are trying to watch, slowly edge out of room and reduce the noise, so that parents can enjoy programme, then go completely silent and enjoy as that sinking feeling kicks in that the silence is ominous. Psychological warfare