How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

Have a brilliant time at nursery all day and save your best heartbreak cryface for when mummy comes to pick you up at hometime

Following on from cyteen - be an absolute pleasure all day at nursery, singing, painting, laughing, and as soon as mummy comes to pick you up, start behaving like the devil incarnate. Continue all evening.

Use the last of the milk and omit to tell anyone until Dad gets home and wants milk in his cup of tea.

Make yourself a sandwich and leave the worktop covered in crumbs, the lid off the butter, and the ham out of the fridge.

Decide that you need a wee just after you have driven past the motorway services especially if there aren't any more for miles and miles. Then wait until your parents drive off the motorway and find a layby, then wet yourself just as they get you out of the car.

Wet yourself repeatedly on a train journey to spend a weekend with grandad, so that Mum has to rummage through all the packing to keep you in clean dry clothes, then has to spend half the next day at the laundrette because grandad doesn't have a washing machine.

Take phone messages and forget to pass them on to your parents unless interrogated in detail.

This may be specific to my dd: When your mummy presents you with your breakfast/lunch/evening meal, look at it in disgust, pick up the plate and say, "Nooooooooo, I want FOOOOOOOD!"

Everytime mum slips off to the loo yell 'Mummy mummy mummy come here quick' loudly and incessantly.

Alternatively follow her in and ask about her hairy bits and for a running detailed commentary on what she is doing.

Learn to say dadda, nana, granpa, the cats name and the names of nursery workers, but refuse to say mamma. Learning that isn't important she will continue to do everything for you anyway. Also decide that you don't want to come home from nursery when mummy arrives unless nana comes with mummy to pick you up always run straight to nana and cry if mummy tries to pick you up first.

pinkjenny mine does that all the time

Or ask her for extensive details about her breast abcess when she's picking up her prescription in the Chemist's. A memory that will live with me forever.

One that I did when young - adopt the slightly unusual name of a local bigwig lady (in this case the chair of the WI of which mum was a member) as a swear word, and use it every time you hurt yourself or a game goes wrong, leaving your Mum in agonies of worry in case you use your 'swear word' in front of the lady concerned - who needless to say has no sense of humour whatsoever!

When left in the car while mummy goes in to get your younger sibling, find the money stored in the car for parking and post it into the lovely little slit on the front of the stereo - after all that's where mummy posts the CDs isn't it?
And make sure it is in the more expensive of your parents' cars so that it costs a fortune for the garage to get it out and make the stereo to work again.
And once that is fixed, the next time you are in the same situation, practice using the indicators so much that they get stuck ON, so your parents look like they are always turning left - it guarantees a fun drive home - lots of people seem to beep to say hello!!

show mummy the many and varied uses for her lipstick starting with some abstract art in the hall and progressing to carpet patterns and lastly surprise mummy with just how little lipstick it takes to cover 30000 square miles of the house.

When using a public loo, don't forget to praise your mother in a clear, loud voice. 'That's a lovely big poo, Mummy'. For maximum effect, wait until there is a long queue.

Search everywhere around the house, including places Mummy didn't know you could reach, for non-food items and then put them in your mouth just to see what happens. Bonus marks if you find rat poison or choking hazards!

once you have exhausted the possibilities of putting money into that nice slot in the car stereo, try experimenting until you find exactly the right size coin to wedge into one of the car power sockets - it has such an interesting effect on the electrics of the car, and Mummy will love that she has to drive all over the country for work with no Sat Nav because there is no power for it.

When taking something like a muller corner out of a multipack in the fridge, leave the packaging there when you take the last one out.

When emptying the dishwasher, put any slightly unusual items on the worktop for mum to put away 'because you don't know where they go!'

Blimey - either I have very irritating children or almost no tolerance at all.

Insist that you want your cereal in that bowl. No, not that one, that one. No, the pink one. NO! Not that pink one. The pink one with dinosaurs on. There IS a pink one with dinosaurs on. Yes there is! Wahhhhhhhh.

Repeat for green spoon with spots.

Repeat for type of cereal.

Refuse to eat anyway because you weren't allowed to pour the milk.

OMG - a thread of mine on the front page! Blimey. Do I get a sticker or something?

Bella Bear - here is your sticker - good girl!

Refusal to get dressed and cries continuously while getting PJ's off and clothes on and then complain about the colour of the shorts, or the top, or the socks....

Get mum's expensive lipstick and put it on your face and your legs, and then go and sit on the beige carpet and get pink lipstick all over it.

Go on the internet to get some information for school homework and then two days later we get three PGL brochures - teaching your child their address and post code is not a good thing!

Put the spoon that you have eaten your yoghurt with in the bin with the pot, so Mum has no teaspoons left, as we wont use a plastic one as they are for babies and I am a big boy.

Refuse to get undressed for a bath so Mum has to chase you around the room to catch you and take you upstairs, to undress you and put you in the bath, and then throw all the toys out of the bath so the bathroom floor and all other walls are soaked, and then refuse to get out of the bath, that you did not want to get in, to get you PJ's on.

Life is such a struggle in our house, yet Mum is the one that deals with it all as Dad is working late again!!!

Asking why isnt there anything to eat in the house altho' mum has just spent 200quid (eek!) on shopping and has just put it away By HERSELF.

Wanting to know why a certain piece of very important clothing isnt clean when you havent been near the washing machine/ laundry basket for weeks. Mums are psychic and obviously should know that said piece of clothing was needed for tonight.

Offering to help with the housework and then refusing to do any of the jobs suggested because they are too horrible to comptemplate.

For preteens/young teenagers:-

Do make sure you practice The Sneer- you know, the one where you curl up one side of your lip. It can be usefully employed in som many situations- for instance, in the direction of a lovingly-prepared plate of food, at the mention of hairwashing, at the merest hint of chores to be done.

That, with the sparing addition of phrases such as "'snot my fault", "you're so unfair" and "yeah, wo'evah" will see you thorugh many years of communication-avoidance with your parents.

Additionally, it will help them improve their mental agility and detective skills while they try to work out why you seem to hate them so much.......

Being 5: level 3

When Mum asks you what cereal you want for breakfast, take as long as you want to decide. The 5 packed lunches she has to make can wait - time is not an issue - you are the important one here, it's a big decision.

Once you've decided, change your mind as soon as Mum pours the first coco pop, cheerio etc. into the bowl. Demand a new bowl, or at the very least first one washed and dried as it is clearly sullied by it's contact with the un-chosen cereal. At Mum's second attempt switch preference back to first choice of cereal. repeat bowl thing.

Once cereal is in bowl, wait until Mum has poured milk & put it down. As she turns to attend to aforementioned sandwiches/ packed lunches sink head in folded arms on table and wail that there's not enough milk in your bowl. Real tears work well here. If you can spill a little of your cereal and milk whilst doing this you can use that to increase your distress at the general unfairness of the world in the morning. Mums respond well to this as they worry about blood sugar levels and just want you to eat. You know this. Wait for Mum to put more milk in. Don't eat/drink all cereal & milk. Ever.

Repeat same scenario with breakfast orange/ apple juice.

If you have siblings, they will also be vying for Mums attention. You must be LOUDER than they are at all times.

And for toddlers:-

Really, Mummy and Daddy love nothing more than to be woken at 4 a.m by bloodcurdling screams and hoarse-throated cries. Mummy especially will love you more because she can barely crawl through the day due to sleep deprivation, even though she has your elder brother coming home after school to cheer her up with The Sneer.

If you ever start doing the same thing at the same time for too long, your parents will get complacent - mix it up a little. This applies to sleep, food, anything really.

Even better if you wait till after they boast about you in any way - that'll teach them!

Oh yes - The Sneer. The one that is deployed every time mum dares to offer a suggestion about how best to do something - based on her many years of experience which, of course, count for nothing compared to the omniscience of teenagehood.

Save your best sleep problems for the night before Something Important. Eg job interview. Then throw up to make them feel guilty about being cross about it.

Clean the toilet with Mummy's toothbrush. Drop it right down the bowl for her to discover. She will love it when you help.

Teenagers;
You have joined an order of age which brings responsibilities.

You must always dump your bags in the hall as you come in from school. Make sure your Mum has to remind you every day to empty your lunchbox, put away your shoes, do your homework/ music practice. make sure that your school bags are in a pile in the middle of the floor and that they block either a doorway or the stairs. If you can block the front door even better. Each day your Mum reminds you look surprised - as if you didn't know and couldn't possibly be expected to have known of this unfair rule.

As the time for your Dad to come home approaches make as much mess as you can. Mum's enjoy this. they like the frisson of tension excitement as Dad comes through the door, trips over your bags & shoes and starts shouting before he says hello.

If Mum or Dad asks you to help around the house, nod and drift away to your room before they notice. Alternatives to this are; to put your fingers in your ears and sing Lalalalala in a loud voice whilst smiling winingly to show how 'cute' you are; immediately counter the request by pointing out how long it's been since your brother/ sister did anything. Explain in your most whiney and loud voice how unfair this request is, how he/she never has to do anything etc.etc. Keep this up until the parent gives up and does job themselves (if you're an only child you can substitute a friend for a sibling. e.g. so&so's Mum never makes her/him do that).
N.B. This is a higher risk strategy with Dad who is less worn down and has less tolerance for the 'it's not fair' strategy than Mum.

You are expected to argue about everything.
You should bang doors a lot.

The sneer followed by the 'you don't understand'

The constantly grazing teens, even ones who don't belong to you

Using computer/ games consoles belonging to step dad without asking 'because no-one was here to ask' Of course we want you to use our things without asking, its fine

Drinking the last beer in the fridge, just because its was there. It was mine!!!