How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

teach

To make your parents feel really bad about not supervising you properly (as a crawling baby/toddler) make sure you swallow something you shouldn't to really freak them out and make them worry themselves senseless as to whether or not you have been poisoned/migh choke/be really sick.

(In DS's case it was cat vomit and in DD's case it was pink heart "jewel" thing)

On a journey to get to holiday destination, when your parents have thoughtfully booked an overnight stop-off to break the journey, insist on cheerfully chatting away rather than even attempting to go to sleep in the car after supper, even though you're in your PJs, have duvet and have had bedtime stories. Continue chatting and asking for feedback when dh is already cross because the hotel directions are hopeless. Continue chatting once safely esconsed in bed until 10.30, 3.5hrs after normal bedtime. Wake parents up at 5.30am with 'I'm hungry' (reasonable in fact, as supper had failed to remain where it was supposed to), leaving parents trying to keep the noise down to an acceptable level for an hour and a half before breakfast opened.

Always remember your mother is trying to poison you with vegetables. Whatever you do, DO NOT eat them.
Secrete them about your person for mummy to find later- in your hair, in your nappy, under your high chair. Peas fit very snuggly up your nose and mummy won't a trip to A&E to have it removed.

Get Dad to teach you mummies name so you can shout 'Stop it Mummy Debi' when she tells you off.
Makes you look like the evil stepmother.

Wait until Mum has told everyone that you are sleeping through now for over a week, then wake up 4 times every night

Tell mum she has to sign letter for trip and hand it in on Monday but hide it. Mum then spends all weekend and Mon morning finding letter. Finally finds it 30 mins before school ends, cancels important appointment dives to school to give dd letter to hand in only to be told 'it's ok I don't want to go on the trip'

scribble on your face with a perminant marker just as the health visitor is about to arrive or if you would rather prepare in advance head butt things the day before so that you have a nice bruise or a black eye..... it gives a really good impression and makes mummy look like mother of the year!!!

A useful phrase to say as often as possible to anyone who is listening is "My Daddy's in the pub" -it doesn't matter what time of day it is and it certainly doesn't matter if hes at work/home or anywhere else, just say it (lots).

Try and help your mum by secretly cleaning the bathroom. Remember, do not use actual bathroom cleaner but an entire bottle of Channel No. 5 body lotion, the big one she got for her 30th birthday. She will love you forever.

in an interview for a very posh school, when asked what you would like to be when your older laugh at the idea of being a nurse and instead tell your teacher you would like to be a daddy becaause all they do is read the newspaper all day long.

(as done by my younger sister!)

Or, tell the teacher that when you grow up, you want to be like Mummy and Daddy and lie about naked all weekend. (my DNiece did that one. I hope DB doesn't spend all weekend naked. Boak)

when mum is busy doing the housework complain loudly and long that you want to go out on your bike.

Get louder and whinier and then lie on you back and scream, till mum gives up. Wait till she has put her shoes and jacket on, has found your shoes, and has got your bike out the hut and then declare I dont want to go out

If mum dares suggest you wanted to go out lie on your back and scream.. well I changed my mind!!

Decide you didn't want to go to shops/park/visit granny only when on the way HOME from such place. Scream all the way home and insist parent turns back time so you didn't have to go.

Toddlers, repeatedly ask for something over and over and over again that mummy has no idea what you mean. Refuse to offer any other description for said item mummy loves a good guessing game!

lol holdingittogether.... I would love to know what a gnu is..... ds is always asking and screaming for it and I dont have a clue what he means.

Be one of those non-sleeping babies you may have heard about. You can do this in a variety of imaginative ways - for instance:
-from birth for over a year
-after a month of 'perfect' sleeping
-every other night

The possibilities are endless!

Remember, parents who need sleep are weak.

Toddlers - quietly put as many things in the house as possible into the kitchen bin (make sure it has a lid). Try to do this the night before it is collected, to make sure the items are really gone forever...Mummy and Daddy will be so pleased you are tidying up!

Whenever anyone phones Mummy or Daddy, scream "Grandma!!!" at the top of your voice throughout the entire call on the offchance that you are being denied a chance to talk to your favourite person in the whole world...

Toddlers, take your nappy off when mummy and daddy bring you into their bed in a desperate attempt to get some sleep for a cuddle. Daddy will especially appreciate having your early morning poo all over him, the sheets, the mattress protector and the mattress.

remember if mummy or daddy is on the phone you must make as much noise as physically possible. Best option is to try and kill a sibling.

scream like you are being murdered if your poor mother comes anywhere near you with a hair brush.

Older children - At hospital when your Mum takes your sister to A&E following a falling off the Top Bunk accident, helpfully tell the triage nurse AND the doctor how "Mummy Shouted Really Loudly at me" when your sister fell off the bed. Neglect to say this was because Mummy was terrified for sister and you were poking your train into her face asking her to mend it as she desperately checked over your younger sister for broken bones.

An occasion when I truly wished the floor would open and swallow me up.

arrive in your parents bedroom at 6.30 sharp armed with My little pony/barbie princess/ariel toy. Repeat either phrase: "Please play" or "make up a story" until daddy stirs (mummy is quite frankly not up to this task). Once daddy has submitted to your demands, berate him loudly and with violence if he does not make up the story to your precise requirements. Continue said routine through breakfast, until the banshee wailing can begin when mummy wants to brush your hair.

This is the funniest thread I have ever read on MN I think .

always ask mum/stepdad for money/permission to do something that has been banned/advice/the answer to the universe whilst they are still in bed/just got up/on the phone to a work colleague on the other side of the world.
when the answer isnt the one required have the kind of tantrum that most toddlers would be proud of
or when they distractedly say yes, run off to do said thing before they realise what it is that they have agreed to. all parents love that one!

SpookyCharlotte - the gnu is an animal, somewhat akin to an elk - if Flanders and Swann are to be believed in The Gnu Song. Incidentally, our boys love Flanders and Swann's songs - I can highly recommend them.

Also spend an entire 3 hour train journey playing nicely and watching your portable dvd player. On arrival at your destination wait till Mummy has ruck sack on back, sister in buggy, dog on lead attached to buggy then announce you need a wee and you can't possibly hold it for even two seconds.