How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

Refuse to say the words 'please' and 'thank you' after months of encouragement from your doting parents, but pick up the work 'fuck' the first time you hear it muttered by your panic-striken mother and use it loudly and with abandon.

When in the bath with mummy or daddy have a poo.

You will never see them move that quickly again.

Sit with your back to mummy and fool her into a false sense of security that you are "playing nicely" then turn around at the optimum moment to reveal that you have indeed been playing nicely with her very expensive and limited edition MAC loose eyeshadow that now looks lovely all over your legs, in your mouth and all over the new rug they got for a wedding present

In deepest winter, if you decide you don't want to eat your prawn or tuna sandwich, push it down the back of the radiator and watch your perplexed (and preferably heavily pregnant) mother spend the next 4 weeks attempting to expunge the mysterious and noxious odour from your home.

despite what mummy says use the toes of your shoes to stop your bike rather than using the brakes. Yippee 2 holes in your brand new shoes then tell your teacher that mummy made you go to school with holey shoes

Foster competitiveness between your parents. For example, do all your poos when your mother is looking after you.

Divide and conquer- parents LOVE it when you ask one for something and they say no and then approach the other one. Especially when the other one then agrees to it. Then sit back and watch the fun...

For the first half hour after being picked up from nursery, call your mother by your key worker's name.

For the first half hour after being picked up from nursery, call your mother by your key worker's name.

oops

You knwo those vegetables your parents are growing? It helps to stand on them. Oh, and they need picking. Now.

To make getting ready for school more entertaining ignore requests to get dressed or put your shoes on for as long as possible. Count how many times Mummy asks, you may even reach 50 before she bursts and screams at the top of her lungs.

Spend half an hour in the car saying "mummy I want to go to the park. mummy I want the park,mummy. Mummy the park!" This despite been told after each whinge that we are going to the park but the car is stuck in traffic and mummy can't just get out or drive on the pavement. Intersperse this with a few choruses of "but why" for extra fun.

When mummy finally cracks and shouts "I have told you we are going to the park now please stop asking!" look very surprised and say "What you having a paddy for!"

Always, always give Mummy only three seconds notice that you feel sick when you are in the car.

When you are on the car on the motorway look out for signs that say "Services 1 mile".

After 1.1 miles say with as much urgency as you can muster "I need a poo. I need a poo NOW"

Teenagers- despite the fact that you spend most of your life trying to avoid conversations with your parents, rest assured that they WILL want to hear all about the latest, very expensive mobile phone that you just have to have.

They do love a repetitive monologue conversation. Just keep on at them- they might crack eventually. And even if they don't, you have definitely scored points in the war for supremacy as you watch the crazed look enter their eyes....

Toddlers- the best place for your worn socks is in mummy's mouth.

Or up her nose.

Alternative repository for toddler socks is buried in the deeper recesses of Mummy's car (ideally only one from each pair), resulting in the interesting spectacle of Mummy running round the house in the morning muttering about how she has bought you 24 pairs of socks and it cannot be possible that not one pair is clean - you may learn some interesting new words in the process.

Toddlers - learn the art of the rigidly stiff body. Render yourself so stiff that any putting on or off of clothes or into high chair/car seat - is impossible.

Take Mummy's rabbit or other sex toy into show and tell.

When you write about what you did at the weekend, never ever mention the library or the museum or any wholesome activity, just write "We went to the pub" Pub is easy to spell.

Make personal remarks at the top of your voice:

That man is bald
that lady is fat
That man has a big nose

These strangers will think you are a darling.

Teenagers - remember to let your phone run out of battery whenever you are out and your Mum needs to call you.

Teenagers - if your Mum has asked you to do something (like get out of bed) more than 11 times and raises her voice - remember to tell her there is no need to shout.

Teenagers - limit your use of technology to phones, computers and ipods. Do not touch washing machines or any other household applicances.

And finally, the big one - Teenagers - money really does grow on trees - your parents are kidding if they tell you otherwise.

If you fall over, on no account must you get up and approach your parent to relate what has happened to you.

The appropriate course of action is to remain completly still, in the exact position in which you fell, so that the full horror of what has befallen you can be seen by all. (If you really want to get this right, imagine scene-of-crime chalk markings around you.) Some loud wails will be almost certainly be required to alert them to your plight.

You should refuse to get up and resume normal activities until you are picked up, brushed down and comforted.

The above is utterly essential if you wish to acquire maximum sympathy and/or a plaster.

Poo is an interesting artistic medium. Admire how it looks against the freshly painted white wall. One you have run out of poo colour in the 'picture' with crayons. Your mother will be delighted when you call her to see your masterpiece.

Toddlers- an interesting extension to the rigidly stiff body (see above) is The Starfish. This is most usefully employed when your parents are trying to put you into the carseat or buggy.

Extra points may be scored if you can:-
a) add blood-curdling screams
b) add a) in the library/restaurant/shopping centre.

It is essential to wait until there are at least ten strangers watching for maximum effect.

Teenagers ....always lose your coat/games kit/school jumper at school in the first week of a new term

Go deadly quiet while playing in another room. Watch your parent run in convinced you are up to no good/been in a dreadful accident. Look uo innocently from your playing.

If you do this a few times, you could really have some fun when you aren't being innocent. cf boy who cried wolf (but in reverse)

• and always find it again after your parents have shelled out for a new one!