How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

Teenagers, when you finally reach adulthood and get a job, spend your first wage on a mobile phone far nicer than anything your parents could ever afford for themselves. Then request that they pay for your haircut/new shoes/work trousers. When they react in horror, point out that you never ask for much, refuse to accept that they pay to keep a roof over your head/food in the fridge etc, and point out that because one of them bought a top for a fiver last month, they are forever spending money on themselves.

Treat all requests to contribute to the running of the house with disgust, as you have a laptop to buy next month.

Also remember that by working 16 hours a week that you will be far too busy and exhausted to do any housework other than washing your favourite top on a daily basis. This will count as "doing the laundry" and constitues your entire share of household tasks.

Complain loudly that everone is always in a bad mood in this house.

don forget to remind your parents 5 minutes before you leave the house for school that it is "greek day" today and you need and ancient greek outfit for this afternoons activities

infact advanced warning of any school events should be kept to a minimum!!!

11 month olds: spend a couple of months getting into the habit of taking long 2-3 hour sleeps in the morning. Then, on one of those days that simply has to start at 5am, choose to go down as normal and then wake up after only 30 minutes.

The long preparation required for this manoeuvre will be worth it since the look on your exhausted mummy's face as she watches her much-needed window of peace and quiet vanish will apparently be the most hilarious thing you have ever seen

Toddlers, When your Dad is out all day playing golf and your Mum is painting the bathroom, play really nicely and quietly in your room, After you have lulled your mum into a false sense of security (2 or 3 checks will do it) empty the entire tub of blue tinted suncream over everything.
Make sure you get lots and lots into your hair and you will look like a dirty grebo princess for at least a week.

Oh and for you lovely 9 year olds, pretending to be a teenager already is a great way to strike the fear of god into your parent. 7 years of "whateva", "aint boverred", "peace out", "Chillax" is not enough.
Then always point out that you are hard done by because you can't have a pool, horse, quad bike, go abroad, have nice day trips etc etc. I mean WHY can't you go back to normal school and have these things. who needs an education anyway.
Repeat 3 times a day at least

If you are big for your age, when Mummy takes you somewhere you would not have to pay to get in (because you are too young), wait till Mummy is buying her own ticket then, when the cashier asks Mummy how old you are, brightly answer that you are at least two years older than your real age. For added effect, do it when Mummy hasn't got enough money to buy you an older-child ticket then, when the cashier refuses you entry, scream the place down.

Another tip for teenagers.

Try to get mum to understand that 'A 'D' is not the same now as when you were at school!!!!!!' Remember she is very old and a bit stupid so you will need to keep reminding her of this obvious fact.

all pre-schoolers remember that mummy needs reminding who your daddy is and that you must check that everyman you she has a conversation with could potentally be your father.
This will result in both mummy and other male extemely embarassed glowing with joy!
For effect repeat for every man mummy may just speak to or look at, then ask does she remember who he is.

For added effect you can tell nanny that you saw a man in mummys bed and it wasn't daddy...even better if you never saw such a man, it will really keep mummy on her toes!

Lean on adults, it is what they are there for and enjoy it very much.

this one works especially well when mummy has overslept on a school day and is late:
forget how to dress yourself, refuse to wear 'that' white shirt, or 'those' pants and insist on wearing your wellies with your monkey costume - you don't want to look like everyone else do you? Eat your breakfast only with cutlery that you have personally chosen youself from the drawer, make sure it's the smallest tea spoon you can find, or even better a fork, then eat each cheerio individually and DON'T let anyone hurry you, throw yourself on the floor and scream if they do. Then when you are near the front door about to get in the car, take all your clothes off when mummy turns her head away for a couple of seconds, mummy LOVES a challenge in the morning

... the aim of this game is to get mummy to lose the plot and use that special voice that sounds like a Sergeant Major: just as you're near the door to leave for school, make a dash for the house, insist that you HAVE to take someting purple in today. Run around tipping everything on the floor in the hunt for the purple toy; for a better effect laugh and giggle as you do this, especially if mummy tries to catch you, she loves a chase.

If she does catch you and carries you to the car, you must now shout as loud as you can 'HELP ME you're not my mummy' and make your body go as stiff as you can, that way she can't get you in the car seat.

When mummy decides she is going to ignore you when you repeat ''mummy mummy mummy'' 100times, go up to her, poke her in the cheek and say 'oi, (real name)'' Mummy finds it soooo funny and cute. (it was, the first couple of times)

When being led out of consultant appointment at the hospital, loudly announce that "my want a CUPPA TEA" to doctor and entire waiting room. Do not let the fact that you aren't sure what a cup of tea is discourage you from your loud insistence.

Toddlers, feign sleep when they put you down for a nap, then, when they leave the room, fill and remove your nappy, then smear the contents ALL OVER your body and the surrounding room. Then fall asleep until the warm comfortable body pack, sets solid, turns cold and starts to sting. Finally, announce your plight to the world loudly! Do this on an irregular basis, so your loving parents never know what to expect!

Teenagers.. Remember, parents love it when you do the exact opposite of what you want. They thrive on being called selfish and unfair, especially as a reward for trying their hardest to accomodate you.

If you aren't feeling very creative, just say 'uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' for a long long time.

BUMP
MNHQ is this in classics ? it should be!

fook me this a funny thread, am trying to bf but the poor baby is getting shaken so much with me laughing he can't stay attached.

If your parents ever dare to take you to a kitchen store, wait till they have the attention of the sales person and ask 'mummy I'm sorry I broke the cupboard, please can I have one with a window in next time? Please?'

ask for your shoe off as it is too tight

mummy removes shoe when she stops at a red light

then howl and cry for the rest of the journey as you want your shoe back on. no more red lights

added bonus if you can cry so hard you stop breathing for a moment before then taking one of those ragged breaths (you know, the no-one-has-it-as-hard-as-me indicator cry)

Reported so MNHQ can take a look at this thread being resurrected after 7 years ...