Omg what do I do now?

[chocolatemuffin75]

I’ve been chatting to someone online for the past week, we have arranged to meet tomorrow, he’s just informed me he’s uploaded another photo of himself, as his others were not very clear and quite far away, my god he’s awful, I know looks aren’t everything but I just can’t meet him, Why couldn’t he have posted this one in the first place! He just looks so scruffy with a stubbly beard which I hate, his other photos are obviously older. How do I tell him I don’t wish to meet now? I feel a right cow but I just can’t meet him.

Well that's grim.
Definitely you need to get norovirus.
Then block him.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You’re not attracted to him. Why waste yours and his time? You don’t owe him a date.

This place is fucking weird.

But I don’t want to change who someone is just so I’m satisfied, I don’t think they would ever feel comfortable knowing they had to change something about themselves just to please a partner.
yes I have told him and his reply is confirmation I made the right decision.

I think it's really good that you've done this as he was banking on making you feel awkward and that you couldn't say no. I bet he'll think twice before trying this dishonest tactic again

Yes you’re definitely right.

it wouldn’t work with me, I’m just honest.

I think you are a bit shallow but you owe him nothing. Just cancel and block

You're right to cancel I think. Just from my own experience I've had one single 'blind date' type thing many many years ago with someone I met online and had I saw his photo beforehand, I likely wouldn't have gone. He was a really nice guy, very sweet, but there was no physical attraction and I would have known that would be the case from his photo. If you're looking to make a friend then no harm, but when it's about dating, it's a snap reaction most of the time. You can obviously grow to fancy someone but online dating isn't generally the circumstances under which that happens.

As it turned out he was very reluctant to accept when I backed off and while I wanted to draw a line and move on, he wanted to talk it out which I found really difficult to deal with as for me talking wasn't going to solve the fundamental issue. If it's not going to happen for you then there's no point wasting his time.

YABU to not meet him if you've been getting on based on how he looks. Someone who's not your type may well end up being The One - a hoop earring won't stop him being the man who champions you, nurtures you, encourages you and adores you.

You might not be unreasonable to reject him based on his repeated use the word 'whiskers'. Yes, yes I know - he could do all the championing and encouraging with an icky vocabulary, but ugh.

Well if shallow = having standards I’m fine with that, what bothers me more is his dishonesty, and the fact he posted that new photo when we were due to meet, it doesn’t sit well with me.

I wouldn’t want to go on a date with someone who was gritting their teeth through it because they knew before the date that they weren’t attracted to me. How soul destroying and what a waste of my time.

TeamMuffin - you’ve done the right thing, OP!

What did he reply? I actually went on a few dates with someone who lived near me and knew me and my brother. Total disaster.

Met in January, married in March at registry office, nothing fancy & had our first son in 2003 xx

I think you’ve done the right thing. If he had been totally honest in the first place, you wouldn’t have had to cancel.
If the conversations over the past week had been amazing and you had been attracted to him because of them then maybe that would possibly make you a little shallow but you said the chats weren’t even that great, so like you said, you’re just not compatible.

Imagine.

I'm meeting a guy I met online tomorrow and I've just updated some new photos as I've recently changed my hairstyle.
Guy has messaged me to say he doesn't like my new hair style, but he'll come tomorrow if I agree to grow it out
I was also wearing earrings and he said he doesn't like women in earrings so can I not wear them in future.

Aibu to cancel?

. No one would tell her she should change her appearance to attract the man! Why should op date his guy and then cooerce him into changing his hair and jewellery to her taste?

That’s exactly why I’m not meeting him, I would never cooerce someone into changing their appearance.

Don't be utterly ridiculous @Ferrissia3

Honestly, this is the sort of thing that is believed by neurotic teenagers with blue hair who live their lives online, or angry incels.

I'm afraid sexual attraction can and often is based on looks, and that can include other physical cues like the way they move. The way they dress and present themselves can also offer valuable insight if two people are compatible or not.

Yes, it's unfair, it's shitty for those who aren't selected, but it's also unethical to expect people to totally ignore this part of themselves.

Often, there's sexist double standards involved whereby women on forums like this piously police other women's preferences, whereas I absolutely bet you do not get the same on men's forums. Men are allowed to have physical preferences, and they are unashamed of this and excise this right....but women aren't, without being accused of being shallow.

oh the whiskers put you off?
I haven’t replied.

Easily fixed? What if that's what he likes and he doesn't want to "fix" them? And why should he?

The fact that OP doesn't like his style shows they have different tastes and preferences... as well as her just not fancying him!

You can (and should) cancel meeting because you don't like the look of him, but I don't understand you having 'high standards' when you arranged to meet someone you couldn't even see clearly in his pictures and who had dead chat 😂

Tell him you're not interested, block him, and then actually get some standards.

@chocolatemuffin75 you never need to justify choosing not to meet a stranger - never, ever to no one. Stay courteous, stay polite but do not justify your choice not to meet someone.

I see you've messaged him now to say no thanks but honestly op going forward you owe people nothing. You'd been talking for a week just say sorry can't make it, block and move on next time.

DH used to wear black lipstick 💄 back in the day (way before I met him!) I probably would have ran a mile tbf🤣

Just call it off and say you've changed your mind. Don't make lame excuses. Just tell it like it is.

Why do people do that with their pics! It’s ridiculous when you will be meeting up. I would go but get a friend or family to ring you after 15 mins. If you find him attractive and want to stay just text back and say everything is ok. If he’s a right minger, make your excuses and leave!

Yes I can see what you’re saying 😂