Omg what do I do now?

[chocolatemuffin75]

I’ve been chatting to someone online for the past week, we have arranged to meet tomorrow, he’s just informed me he’s uploaded another photo of himself, as his others were not very clear and quite far away, my god he’s awful, I know looks aren’t everything but I just can’t meet him, Why couldn’t he have posted this one in the first place! He just looks so scruffy with a stubbly beard which I hate, his other photos are obviously older. How do I tell him I don’t wish to meet now? I feel a right cow but I just can’t meet him.

He wasn't honest though, he used misleading pictures and then sent her an accurate one immediately before they were set to meet to put her in an uncomfortable position where she felt she couldn't say no. If he had been honest from the start she wouldn't have matched with him. It's not shallow to have preferences based on physical attraction.

Would you say someone is a gold digger if they refuse to meet someone who pretends to be a millionaire and then reveals they're broke and unemployed 2 hours before the first date?

Not sure I get the drama over someone who has never met you - they may feel exactly the same. Just say ‘no thanks changed my mind’.

I don't get the posters calling you shallow. To those posters: are you saying you could go out with, fall in love with and be sexually active with some you find physically unattractive, as long as they had a good personality and shared interests/values? If you're critical of OP then that's the logical conclusion - is it honestly true?

You aren’t shallow. You aren’t attracted to him.

I just messaged him saying we weren’t compatible.

She doesn’t find him attractive! JC she doesn’t have to give him a chance, be kind or be nice. If this had happened to a man he would probably just ghost.

OLD is judgy and shallow otherwise you wouldn’t need to post photos. He’s not interested because he finds her unattractive, he fancies her but it’s not reciprocal.

OP you don’t have to anyone a favour.

I don't think it's shallow OP, everyone has preferences & those that say they don't are lying!

I'm not a fan of facial hair, and I got chatting to someone without a picture, but we got on so well that by the time I saw his picture it didn't bother me, he shaved the beard off in lockdown, I hated it!

We've now been together 8 years and married nearly 2! So I would say if the conversation was good enough and there was a spark then it's worth the risk sometimes, but if the conversation isn't good then don't bother!

Why? So if I had been dishonest, met up with him lied and said I was attracted to him, that makes me a better person 🤔

The offended Menz have arrived to the thread.

This is helpful example - whether or not I would call them a gold digger would depend entirely on whether they rejected them because they are not a millionaire or because they are a liar.

Op made it pretty clear that she is rejecting him based PRIMARILY on his looks - not whether he lied (which is totally not as clear cut as in the millionaire example).

It is unequivocally shallow to rate looks above all else that one knows about somebody (which again, is clearly the OPs main beef). Please, just google it, I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit because, honestly, this is such an excellent definitive example of shallow. I can't wrap my head around people saying the opposite.

Don’t blame you, what’s the point in meeting and wasting both your time if you don’t fancy him now. He’s updated the picture because he knows he looks different.

Ive wasted so much time on dates where people look nothing like their picture in real life.

You were no longe feeling it once he sent you accurate photos. Going along would have wasted his time as well as yours. Definitely the right decision, I think it's manipulative to send old photos then update once you've secured an agreement to meet.

Definitely not shallow, people shouldn’t be posting old photos. You can not meet someone for any reason.
The only thing I will say on a general level.. not about him as he sounds genuinely unattractive.. is I’ve met people who have been much better than their pics once I can see them moving around and talking. And men I’ve met naturally in the wild and had amazing sparks with, haven’t looked good on photos I’ve seen of them after, and I always think if I’d seen them on a dating site I’d have swiped left!

Being bald isn't a crime. Neither is being covered in tattoos or weighing 25 stone, having a man bun or looking like Catweazle, but I wouldn't fancy anyone who looked like that, no matter how sparkly their conversation was or how in-depth a personality they had.

Someone asked me out when I was at university, part of a guys friendship group and he was fun to be with so I gave him a chance. That chance went on for months and I made myself ill because I didn't fancy him and felt guilty. He was one of the good guys and a nice person but I still didn't fancy him.

If they mattered to you in order to meet (and good conversation doesn't), why meet someone that you couldn't tell whether or not has a beard or earrings?

It's your fault for going on a guess what he looked like when everything hinges on that for you!

If I only wanted to go for tall men, I wouldn't meet one from a photo where I couldn't gauge height.

id still meet him once if you got on really well online.

Umm, yes?

I never said good conversation doesn’t matter? Yes in hindsight I probably should have asked for a close up photo.

Also I could just make out he didn’t have a beard in previous photos.

One liner saying on second thoughts you're not up for a date. Then block and delete.

people who do this when OLD know what they're doing and are banking on people feeling obliged to give them a chance now they've committed to a date so I don't see why you'd feel bad about binning them off.

I've had so many female friends tell me about showing up to a date with a guy who's a decade older than his photos or male friends showing up to sometime two stone heavier.

They should just turn and walk as soon as they see them.

You’re not shallow OP, you’re just not desperate, which unfortunately seems to be the case for so many women on this forum who are prepared to lower and lower and lower their standards to get a bit of male attention. And then spend forever on their little projects of trying to make their men into something they’re prepared to live with. Keep your standards high.

I once met someone that looked ok in his profile pics, not my usual type but thought I’d meet him and see.
He had a Nanny McPhee tooth! I couldn’t get out there quick enough! (That wasn’t the only reason).
Now I’ll only meet someone that shows a proper smile!

Exactly.

This is why shows like "love is blind" are so rubbish.

"I will love you whatever you look like, we are MADE for each other"...screen rolls back... light goes out of their eyes in a nano-second

The fact that they lied and tried to trap the other person doesn't factor in at all..?

It doesn't really matter if it's shallow. People are allowed to be shallow in their dating lives; if it means they miss out on the love of their life then that's a risk they're allowed to take and is a natural consequence. If they really are so shallow, though, is it likely? After all, their attraction isn't based on deeper stuff. They aren't capable of appreciating it.

So maybe it's shallow, but however you slice it, OP simply does not want to meet this guy. Who wants to go on a date with someone who doesn't want to be there? I guess at least this way he can tell himself she's shallow and that might be easier to take than her not fancying him in person.