To try and recreate a Christmas market in my back garden.

[Namechabged]

All I’ve got so far is an extension lead so I can plug a slow cooker and a microwave in outside, and taking £100 out of the cash machine. I’m thinking I sling four bottles of Aldi mulled wine and some sliced oranges in the slow cooker and charging myself £7 deposit for a mug and £6 for a top up, and then mircrowaving some hotdogs and doughnuts and Nutella and charging £6 for them too. I haven’t got any further than that but welcome ideas.

Sounds like a great idea, OP. Make sure you get quite drunk by about 4pm and bump into yourself lots. Could you put some mouldy oranges on a string and charge yourself extortionate prices for them?

Don't forget to make sure your hot dog has so many onions on that they fall down the front of your top when you try to eat it, or better still do a hog roast in a bun and let it all immediately fall out onto the floor.

If you really want authenticity you need some very tinny speakers playing off brand versions of Christmas carols and about five million people all jostling to be in the exact same space at once. You’ll also need some wonky crafts to sell at extortionate prices.

You need a ferris wheel or at least a helter-skelter to rip your tights on.

Add on a constant drone of a generator and some unattractive metal fencing to add to the festive ambience?

Hahaha love it, just brilliant.

I'm doing this

Don’t forget to put some wonkily iced stale ginger biscuits in a little bag tied up with Christmas —ribbon— string .

Can you nip round the pound shop and buy up some 'bespoke' jewellery and knock them out for £15 a piece?

10 years out of date fudge stall? Remember to charge 20 'cheeky bastard' pounds per bag.

You need a bottle of baileys so you can add so little of it to your hot chocolate that you can't taste it but charge yourself an extra fiver for it.

Build lots of crowd barriers and force yourself to queue for 1.5hrs in the freezing cold while listening to repetitive and preferably clashing tinny music before you arrive at your garden wonderland!

Make sure the sausages are radioactively hot, so your mouth blisters immediately and the onions sting.

I love you

Cover yourself in clingfilm and glitter, take a selfie. You won't be able to get a plastic dome to pose in this close to Christmas sadly.

Oh and as per PP's suggestion hit up Poundland for all manner of glow sticks and light up wands and flog them for £££.

Get one of those mini Heineken kegs and charge yourself £8 a pint?

Put your bare feet in a washing up bowl full of iced water, so they'll be as cold as if you were hovering around Deansgate?

Sit outside on a bar stool for 6 hours then wonder why you're supposed to be enjoying yourself?

Love it!!

There definitely needs to be more queueing. Perhaps segregate the garden using metal barriers.

2 more words :

Artisan Soap

AKA

Bag o'wank

And make sure you turn the sprinkler hose on for at least three days beforehand to replicate authentic churned up mud.

You also need to ensure that only one toilet in your street is working, remember to save empty toilet roll inner tubes to scatter on the floor to prove that the toilets were serviced by scribble signature three hours previously.

Hire 8 scallys (scuse my French) to have a massive fist fight in your garden. They need to be bleeding afterwards.

Then sweep up the broken glass

Cover yourself in clingfilm and glitter, take a selfie. You won't be able to get a plastic dome to pose in this close to Christmas sadly.

License about 1 metre squared of your garden. Point a speaker at it, about 11 out of 10 on the Dobly scale of sound should do it.

Charge yourself £7 for a pint of lager whilst being hemmed into this tiny beer garden, being blasted by Bing Crosby.

20 'cheeky bastard' pounds per bag.

😂😂😂 so bloomin' true

Invite some drunk woman round to swear profusely in front of your kids and tell you you shouldn't have fing brought them to an adult event when you complain (queueing for the merry go round at 4.30)