To try and recreate a Christmas market in my back garden.

[Namechabged]

All I’ve got so far is an extension lead so I can plug a slow cooker and a microwave in outside, and taking £100 out of the cash machine. I’m thinking I sling four bottles of Aldi mulled wine and some sliced oranges in the slow cooker and charging myself £7 deposit for a mug and £6 for a top up, and then mircrowaving some hotdogs and doughnuts and Nutella and charging £6 for them too. I haven’t got any further than that but welcome ideas.

YES! I need to go and buy some fosters and put it in plastic glasses with a massive head and charge myself £8 a pint. Yes to just playing horrible Christmas songs too, and the
Glow sticks yes. I could just not let myself wee for four hours as well.

and too many onions YES!

Don't forget the melted snow/grey sludge you need to smear all over your best boots. For extra authenticity you can splatter the sludge up the back of your jeans.

You also need a selection of 'alternative' wooden 'artisan' decorations, think 3ft mushrooms or those hedgehog doorstop things with bristles on that you can wipe your (sludgy) boots on.

Think of a price you'd pay for them, stick a zero on the end, slap it on an artisan price tag (handwritten on brown card & tied on with artisan string) and sell them at that price to your 'guests.'

Block your toilet, wee on the floor, remove all loo rolland queue half a hour for it.

I love Christmas markets! 😭

You need to alternate 'stalls' selling wooden word signs like 'Love' and 'Home' at £30+ a pop. Handbags made out of felt, feel free to charge an extortionate price, cushions (also saying 'Love etc), the aforementioned fudge, the mix of biscuits. It helps if many stalls sell the same shite. Must put up notices which say 'handmade with love'. Everything "handmade" and not a range knock off oh no justifies its extortionate price tag.

Ooh and go to Aldi and buy some cheeses and salamis and nuts and jam but make sure you charge 4x normal prices. Jam £8, cheese £12.50, salami £15.99.

Don’t forget hot chocolate for the kids, When in Aldi get box of chocolate powder for £1 And a bag off marshmallows 70p
Charge £4 each +£1 for a marshmallow on top

More ideas: can you get some shop manikins to emulate the crowded effect?

You sausages should overhang the bun by at least 1 inch either end.

In Manchester we also have armed police units on hand and a solid perimeter of concrete and metal as a handy reminder that nutcases try and run down large crowds. Only build this if you really want to invest in infrastructure. Perhaps improvise with cardboard boxes. Enter the perimeter, and then slowly slowly shuffle through all the manikins before getting your overpriced drink.

Only put in seating that's already taken with shop dummies. Eventually clear one seat only so one of the family can sit on it whilst everyone else crowds round.

Local ale - put loads of tiny samples on a tray in plastic shot glasses. Then charge yourself £20 for a 3 pack gift set.

I can send my DH around to piss against your fence if you like?

Do you know any teens who would be willing to sit on plastic chairs in a gazebo dressed as Elsa and Anna? £15 pp photo opportunity only, no gifting/chat/singing.

Set up some stalls selling ‘artisanal crafts’ (knitted scarves full of holes etc) and set up a number of mannequins in front of said stalls so you can only look at the goods at a distance of at least 2 metres over the shoulders of the mannequins.

Moredrunkthanblessed I knew manikins was wrong but too tired to work out how to spell it!

Don’t forget an alcoholic Santa with a beard that’s slightly falling off.

OP, I wish this was meet up net rather than Mumsnet because I think we could be really good friends in real life.

I do think though that you've forgotten the quite weird hat stall, the tea light holder makes things go round stall and the super-expensive soap stall. Don't let yourself down at the finish...

I think you are also going to need an artisanal Christmas card stall.

Should be easy enough to imitate as you just need some bits of card to which you can afix some random pics of robins and camels and some foil Merry Christmas stickers. If it looks like a 4 yr old made it (or indeed if a 4yr old really did make it) then so much the better.
5 pounds a piece. Extra for envelopes.

I do second putting your feet in a bowl of ice and maybe your hands too. I think there's nothing says Christmas market like frostbite and chilblains.

Don't forgot the magic starts before you even get to your Christmas market!
Park the car five streets away and charge yourself £10 for parking.

2020 Festive Edition: Ensure a massive fight ensues between those complying with mask and social distancing regs and those who DGAF and jostle you (spilling your delightfully overpriced beverage in the process).

Can you get someone to pick pocket for that authentic feel?

Dont forget to dress up at Father Christmas and charge yourself £15 for a photo!

Make sure there are no bins so the floor is full of disposable plastic cups that crunch underfoot as you make your way round.

Buy some chutneys that you'll never eat. Put in the cupboard to add dust and throw away in 5 years.

Don't forget to get some tiny, tiny mugs for the £8 mulled wine or hot chocolate to go in. But you can keep it as a delightful souvenir! Also have something random cooking, like paella, wh

Oops!

Which smells great but up close is actually a few old terrible prawns mingled with sad salami. Everyone immediately gets food poisoning.

Empty need a singing and dancing moose head!!

You need a singing and dancing head moose!

Don’t forget the stall with the clocks and coasters made out of old records and CDs!! Get some strawberry chocolate kebabs on the go for £6 a pop. Can you some how simulate being squashed in by a huge crowd?