To try and recreate a Christmas market in my back garden.

[Namechabged]

All I’ve got so far is an extension lead so I can plug a slow cooker and a microwave in outside, and taking £100 out of the cash machine. I’m thinking I sling four bottles of Aldi mulled wine and some sliced oranges in the slow cooker and charging myself £7 deposit for a mug and £6 for a top up, and then mircrowaving some hotdogs and doughnuts and Nutella and charging £6 for them too. I haven’t got any further than that but welcome ideas.

Yea, its crucial to bring a 'd'H, whose idea it was, who declares it ALL 'too expensive' within 2 minutes of arriving but also opines that you must stay for at least 3 hours to 'make it worth the petrol/parking'. Magically, the vile burget/snotdog/gluewein is 'a bit pricey, but it IS Christmas after all'.

You need several stalls selling the exact same felt Christmas decorations.

Yes I'm really missing ours now (Glasgow) even though every year I declare it's rubbish and I won't be going again

You need a dog on a lead to cock it's leg up the giant wooden reindeer (£500)

All these children will need refuelling so they don't run out of energy for rampaging half-way round.

You need candy floss, fizzy pop in three different colours and a pick-and-mix stall (check the sweets' ingredients labels. If it sounds like the contents of a chemistry set then you've got it).

Make sure the £6 mulled wine is at least 70% apple juice. And either lava heat, or luke warm.

This is a fairly accurate representation of the Belfast one from a local comedian

I hope you haven’t forgotten a couple of whiny snot nosed toddlers who immediately need a WEE WEE as soon as you start looking round.

[quote UpTheLaganInABubble]This is a fairly accurate representation of the Belfast one from a local comedian

[/quote]

Love this!

@Tonkerbea

Best thread of 2020?

It gets my vote!! 😂

You also need to put a large sign next to the mulled wine saying " No Alcohol to be consumed beyond this point " and a jobsworth to enforce it it .And lot of arrows with "Santas Grotto " on them but make sure the curtained off corner of your garden has a closed sign on it .
Make sure all the stallholders can not speak a word of german .
Get your neighbour to put a Greggs -Open as Normal sign on his shed but make sure your fence has blocked off anyone from going to Greggs,said neighbour will also need to stand outside and stare at the lost trade .
Lastly Rain - lots of Rain all over the muddy electric cables .

@ReallySpicyCurry

You need a tiny nun who will try to flog you painted angel Christmas decorations and who will bless passing babies. There's one at our Christmas Market every year, and I buy an angel every year - going to miss her this year

Not as much as she's going to miss you!

Make sure you hunt frantically round the garden for your DH, in the cold and the rain, clutching a phone with a dead battery, only to find him toasty warm and fairly tipsy over an hour later, cheerfully proclaiming "Oh, did you say meet me by the shed? I thought you said kitchen!"

If you don't remember to say "fuck it, it's Christmas!" About a million times to justify drinking another £7 a glass Baileys Latte or a £5 a pop mulled wine from Aldi then it's not real.

Aw, DS and I had a lovely time at Bath Shedfest '19. Mainly because he was just 1 and in a buggy, and it was 10am on a Tuesday. I shan't go again until he is 12 and can be left at home!

Don't forget to pretend you're German. Or an elf.
Big plaits, big ears..

when you start to feel thirsty and decide that you are willing to spend 8 quid to drink a plastic glass of heineken with a two inc, head, stand at the 'bar' and ignore yourself for at least 20 minutes first.

A gang of yoofs need to trample through taking the piss out of Santa and dropping empty alcopops. Well if its a vintage 90s vibe I suppose. My DS18 doesn't drink or trample just 'wokes' around

I adore this thread.

Please also have a stall selling glass tree ornaments for £20 each that you talk yourself into buying as it’s the sort of thing you’ll treasure forever and get out every year with memories which will be broken after 30 seconds on the tree by cat/dog/child. Unless it breaks on the way home in the cheap carrier bag.

I absolutely love all of these suggestions.z thanks all!

@Inthewoodshed

Sounds like a great idea, OP. Make sure you get quite drunk by about 4pm and bump into yourself lots. Could you put some mouldy oranges on a string and charge yourself extortionate prices for them?

Don't forget to make sure your hot dog has so many onions on that they fall down the front of your top when you try to eat it, or better still do a hog roast in a bun and let it all immediately fall out onto the floor.

I have mouldy oranges on a string, AND it's raining here. You can have them for £27.

Make your own ice bar by putting on a really big coat, sitting in front of the open freezer and serving yourself a couple of shots of Tesco value vodka - £30 for that experience at least.

Buy a load of French and German stuff from Lidl and lay it out on your kitchen counter with massively inflated prices. Those £1.99 gingerbread cookies? £7.99 pls.

Yeh I do think alcopops and heckling Santa are a bit 90s. For a more modern woke vibe you can draft in a sullen teen to complain loudly about the lack of vegan catering and the single use plastic cups and bags

Make sure you can sneak into Wetherspoons/Maccies to use the toilet!

Make sure you have trays angled so young children instantly drop the contents