I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I have a very old useless degree in humanities from a poly therefore am completely unfettered by knowledge or training. Bring me your problems and I'll solve them.

So that's why Hellen's car has lights and sirens! It all makes sense now, so obvious.

Policemen are belief drivers, i think the cars are even automatics.

That is BRILLIANT advice. I was worried it would be hard to drive after all the erotic lotus walking but you are right- no one will mind if wobble in a flashing lights car. They will think it was on purpose.

You're right, Thigh, it all makes sense now that you've explained it. She has to live long enough to claim her pension

Kismet, I shall listen out for you singing the beautiful tune of "Born Free" mingled with the wailing of sirens as your unbound feet celebrate their newfound freedom on Hellen's accelerator

Could the siren be altered to Born Free?

Not during work hours. Capturing bad guys then playing "Born Free" while they are handcuffed
the back of the car creates entirely the wrong impression

"Born Free" then became a bad guy and lost the privilege they were born with. Plus a cheery tune, policemen should are there to "protect and serve" after all and to hear our Anthem everywhere would be a service.

True. I bow down to your supervisor wisdom

Superior!! (Must also listen to Mysterycat's predictive text wisdom)

Oh Getting you almost turned me into a manager/supervisor! Then where would we be?

It might be somewhere where we have to GET UP and HAVE GUESTS and deal with REAL LIFE and CROCODILES shudders No wonder they're insane

@thigh

Yes

Oh Mystery this isn't your fault, you're the victim here. They pretended to offer you promotion didn't they? Don't get promoted, it's dangerous, you have to do shizz and can't slack off and lie down.

These mistakes are from your past life pre-Thigh. You didn't know you would have an awakening, how could you hear the "Born Free" siren before I invented it.

Please be kind to yourself, but not to your managers who have tricked and taken advantage of you. It's like the rape of Nanking, so brutal, so unfair.

You must claim back all of your life that they have thieved from you. May I recommend labyrinthitis? It's good for a week off and no proving it one way or the other. There's no treatment so you don't have to go anywhere.

getting
There was no lying down and no sex. Just lots and lots and lots of paperwork. And a very angry man.

I'm going to put a suggestion in the suggestion box on the Third Floor that no mortals venture into though that the sirens all be changed to "born free" . I think that would amuse the people who are trussed up like turkeys in the back of them. Would be even funnier in the vans (they have mini cells in the back)

It would brighten my day anyway.

Hmmm, Third Floor sounds like a lot of effort. It's not the same as Third Dinner at all. Are there any alternatives?

Oh, and Hellen, we don't have "Very Angry People" in Thighland. Point your Very Angry Man in the direction of AIBU

Thigh I am in need of assistance. My darling -little shit- 3yo has melted a lovely circle in the middle of the hall carpet, simultaneously burning out my hairdryer. I have attempted to solve the problem by lying down and eating chocolate but it is still there (as is toddler, who has emptied a box of tissues shouting IT'S SNOWING MUMMY). I personally don't feel that bothered by the carpet as it is - green and minging- old and due for replacement anyway, but DH will have kittens and I still have wet hair.

I would normally resolve this issue with gin (for me) and BJ, but I am 34 weeks pregnant so no booze and heartburn and can't be arsed. Advice please?

Tell your DH having kittens is a very foolish thing to do. They ultimately turn into Leopard Cats who piss on everything.
The wet hair problem has previously been dealt with by Thigh. Something to do will rolling around on dry towels?
As for the tissues, use them to bury said toddler

Would any of the Thighgang be able to help me with my problem? I’ll ask in Secondary Education at some point but I think I’ll prefer your answer.

DD has a choice of two secondary schools. The girls’ school full of liberal wealthy kids and great results or the mixed comp with mostly boys and middling results. She wants the school with the boys.

Knowing the laying down imperative I should tell you they’re both 5 minutes walk away.

We don’t have an integral garage or a non-integral garage, or a patio to hide the bodies.

Monkerina so many problems in one post, thank goodness you found your way to the clinic.

Your. "husband" sounds like a whiny little bitch, what kind of a sissy cares about carpet? Why did you marry him, were you tricked into it?

Anyway, since your carpet is ruined i suggest you use it to dispose of your late "husband" there's no other option. Before you do perform a caesarean on him (knife and fork) to check whether he is incubating lion cubs. If he is, nuture them and bring them to me as an offering.

With the girl child put it in the garden until it does snow. It must learn not to lie about the weather.

Thank goodness you are replacing it with the new. "baby". Hopefully this one will be an improvement. Drink white wine with a lower than 10% abv as it is juice

How many times do i have to explain about drinking and smoking whilst incubating!

BHS liberal middle class school as your girl child is less likely to spawn and incubate at age 12. Make sure none of the other child owners know you will not be playing by their rules. No contributions to committees, bake sales, none of their bullshit. Learn Estonian and pretend to be the girl child's nanny if need be.

BHStowel, you'll need to apply to directly to Thigh for this one. I'm afraid my knowledge of 20th century dictators is rather limited, although i strongly suspect most of them did indeed go to "posh" schools

THATCHER but equally the lovely Tony Benn so it's psychopathy rather than schooling i think that determines outcome. Education is bollix anyway, you can learn to read and write by osmosis then learn everything else from television.

Many thanks Thigh and co. We do have an integral garage so I should have realised the solution earlier, although I may have to press the first child's toy cart into service for carpet/husband disposal due to my whale-like proportions and CBA-ness. First child has been duly sent into the garden and second praised for not being too much trouble yet, although he does wriggle quite hard when I eat chocolate so have prefaced praise with warning re future behaviour.

One further question- the local 'stream' is only 2 feet wide and 3in deep. Is this sufficient or do I need to seek alternate methods of disposal?

Monk is it fast running? The stream obvs, not you? The river is not really to hide the body but just to wash away forensic traces. I would say a hesitant yes but will defer to Hellen our Body Disposal / Security Expert.