Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mumsnet classics

Relive the funniest, most unforgettable threads. For a daily dose of Mumsnet’s best bits, sign up for Mumsnet's daily newsletter.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I can offer you solutions to all your problems

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 14/02/2019 10:16

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I have a very old useless degree in humanities from a poly therefore am completely unfettered by knowledge or training. Bring me your problems and I'll solve them.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 15/02/2019 08:52

Do we know if thigh is open today? (Pun intended)

I know we could collaborate to offer advice, but I feel it wouldn't have the same authenticity of the genuine thigh.

OurChristmasMiracle · 15/02/2019 08:59

How do you train a man to wash up? Is it ok to use a suitable electric shock device attached to them to train them in desirable and undesirable behaviour? And where do I get such a Device Grin

Lurleene · 15/02/2019 09:00

Thank you Thigh, a far simpler solution than I could come up with. I havent got enough time or money for cloning.

DanglyTassles · 15/02/2019 14:37

Yoo hoo ?? ... Oh ... Thigh ??

I have another issue ...

I want to drink far too much wine this weekend but my husband is teetotal and hates people drinking a lot so my dilemma is, shall I just drink the wine and watch his face get grumpier and grumpier or not drink the wine but then my face will get grumpier and grumpier? Who is better off being grumpy? Which is best?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 14:53

Thigh will be open in a couple of hours. Line up your problems and i will solve them on a first come first served basis. No need for rivalry, all of you are equally important to me. Please lie down and rest or nap until later. Stay strong 💪🏾 xxx

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 15/02/2019 14:57

Thigh

So I take it all welcome at the Vipers drop inGrin

Kpo58 · 15/02/2019 15:02

How do I stop my kids being ill? Together they have been ill by minor things for over a month and I'm really really bored being stuck at home.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 15:35

MyKingdomForBrie this is serious. I call this Leopard Piss Syndrome and it is a marking of the widest possible area, just space greed really. I presume this is a male cat? Has it been neutered? Have you told the cat that it is not a leopard?

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 15:37

MysticReg you have become allergic to alcohol, this happens with age. Was it red wine? You may have to switch to southern comfort and lemonade so that your vomit is perfumed.

OP posts:
DanglyTassles · 15/02/2019 15:38

Hurrah!! She is here!!!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 15:40

OurChristmasMiracle you are approaching this problem from the wrong angle. Washing up is a bad thing - why don't you have a dishwasher, this isn't the Mountain Kingdom of Bhutan you know. What is the issue space, money or plumbing? I will help you find a solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 15:44

DanglyTassles who has the worst cats bum face? You or your husband? The biggest sulker wins I'm afraid. Also, if you drink enough you will only be able to get langered on one day of the weekend. I would suggest that you go out and get shitfaced with a recalcitrant friend tonight and roll home smelling of kebabs and strippers. Then insist on giving him a BJ (try not to vomit - that's off-putting).

Saturday you will be too ill to go out and he will get his wish as you will be pleased to stay in at drink tea. Everybody wins.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 15:45

MarthasGinYard there's no judgement here Martha, I will offer solutions to all.

OP posts:
DanglyTassles · 15/02/2019 15:45

Amazing!! Thank you! I knew you'd come through!

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 15:47

Kpo58 the key word here is minor, your kids are taking the piss really. However, turn that frown upside down and decide to enjoy staying in. Rest a lot and do as little housework as possible, how can you be expected to when slaving away over a hot child.

OP posts:
Changingagain · 15/02/2019 16:01

I'm at work but have no work to do. How do I lie down and have a nap without pissing off my colleagues?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 16:24

changing ask if the floor is tilting and slightly resist being sent home in a taxi because you feel dizzy. Wobble a bit and steady yourself publicly. Look brave.

OP posts:
hellenbackagen · 15/02/2019 16:24

Thigh please help me.

I am feeling extremely ragey and I've already pissed off one work related person with my rage.

Should I have a lie down?

Then what!? I feel I will be ragey lying down as stood or sat .

And how to make amends on Monday when I have to go back .

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 16:27

There's no way to prove you don't have labrynthitus (sp) and no treatment as is a virus. Don't get caught driving though.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 16:31

hellen rage is treated with coke and crisps not lying down as the adrenaline needs soaked up. Send an apologetic text first thing Saturday morning so they don't think you're pissed then forget about it. Tell them via text that you have had dreadful news which you are struggling to deal with and cannot discuss and you hop they will bear with you.

OP posts:
SeaOtterFluff · 15/02/2019 16:33

I'm starting a new job on Monday and I'm having a wobble. I was in my previous job for a year and was bullied, degraded and generally made to feel stupid. Any words of wisdom to induce confidence in my abilities? I've had 3 days off since quitting the Bad Job and have spent them under a blanket with tea, cake and Netflix but still feel utterly crap.

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 15/02/2019 16:41

SeaOtter can you ask your mum to make you roast beef and rhubarb crumble for Sunday lunch? Failing that Noa by Cacherel is a cheery perfume which is on sale on Amazon, it's only £11 post VD day. Also the shops will be full of flowers, chocolates and other shizz that will be on sale now. You deserve them, they belong to you. Tomorrow and Sunday you must walk in the park or you will get Netflix fever.

OP posts:
SeaOtterFluff · 15/02/2019 17:00

Thank you, @thigh. My mum is a shocking cook but the rest are wise words.

MrsIronfoundersson · 15/02/2019 17:03

Thigh for Queen of the World!

I'm feeling fluey, do you think wine or Lemsip would be best? (I'm lying down already)

notquitethesame · 15/02/2019 17:21

@highofrelief101
Thank you for your advice yesterday re losing weight/saving money whilst simultaneously eating and drinking lots of nice stuff. I have taken your advice and can report that now that I have decided it's actually my goal to gain weight my problems are over. Thanks to your wise words about lowering my standards I have spent the last day in front of the TV with a very large collection of slightly out of date crisps, sweets and chocolate from the local discount shop and some cooking sherry from the back of the cupboard. I now no longer have any desire to leave the house so am saving £££ on clothes, shoes and days out. However, my DH seems to think that I am having some sort of breakdown and is insisting that I should see a doctor. Is this gaslighting and should I LTB?