How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

Hi ladies

Sorry for the radio silence, things have been up and down here. I'm really struggling to balance checking in on my ex's wellbeing before I trust him with the kids and not taking on too much of his emotional baggage. Friends keep telling me that it's unfair for him to tell me about his issues, but it's very hard to unpick the habit of talking to each other and there are some very real issues that I need to protect the kids from (I have a social worker helping me with this.)

Lorddenning1 I envy you! I am so far from the point where I could even talk to another man. I constantly have a child attached to me and I bedshare so there won't be any newcomers to my bed for a long time! I am more aware of other men than I used to be though. I hardly noticed them when I was in the relationship, foolishly I was too happy and secure to. Unfortunately the only men I cross paths with at the moment are dads at nursery, definitely off limits!
I think it's healthy you've had your first dabble but sensible to quit while you're ahead. Just take it as confirmation that you haven't 'lost it' and you've got a good chance of meeting someone nice once you're ready.

Sittingonacornflake going back to something you said upthread. I agree, it's inevitable that it's going to be hard and can only get better. After all, having a small baby in itself is bloody hard work, and we're doing it on our own. I'm enjoying the single mother bingo, thanks for the tip

FozzieBear123 hope the return to work has been a good distraction. Keep going, you'll get into the swing of things soon.

@Lorddenning1 I am also envious that you've had a little dabble!! But sounds like you've done the right thing for you in ending it. How are you feeling about it now the dust has settled a bit?

@unexpectednewstart glad you're enjoying the bingo game! On the subject of your ex and issues I've taken the view that if my ex tries to burden me with his issues or thoughts (he's texted me in the middle of the night basically saying he didn't want to live any more with me and DS) then he's doing it to manipulate me into going back with him. And I've taken comfort in the fact that I cannot be responsible for his happiness or welfare anymore.

Good afternoon Ladies
My Ex just rang me to ask if he can introduce the kids this weekend, he has met her kids and now he wants them to meet her. we have been split for 10 weeks and they have been together for 8 weeks. Does anyone else think this is too soon, because according to him im being petty and immature.
i think its too soon. If he wants to go and move in and be the family guy in her house, then he can do what the hell he wants to, but i feel like he isnt putting them first, he is getting all caught up with it all and is putting his needs before them. i get it, there his kids too but im still getting questions off DS(7), asking y daddy doesnt love mummy any more etc, he has them once a week he doesnt have to deal with the aftermath of the break up like i do, i was kind of hoping we would manage this better than we are doing.
We agreed that after Christmas would be a better time to introduce everyone. Her kids have had 7 months to get used to the fact that mummy and daddy are not together, mine have had 2 months. He put the phone down on me and then sent me a messages saying, as i seem to know our kids so well, can i ask our son why he keeps asking to go and Live with Daddy as mummy keeps shouting at him all the time.
Im proper done with him, trying to hurt me like this :( hand hold please

Hi Lorddenning1
I'm sorry to hear that your ex is behaving that way. I don't think there's much you can do if he won't respond to reason and is intent on introducing them to her, other than reassuring your kids that you love them and are a stable, safe parent. In the long run, your kids will understand that you always put them first and that their dad didn't.
I try to imagine my kids as adults and how they would judge my behaviour looking back, that usually gives me the answer of the best way to respond to the things. It's hard though, I'm holding in a lot of anger towards my ex because he's suicidal and I don't want my kids to lose their dad.

@sittingonacornflake
I am trying to pull back emotionally but the threat of Suicide is very real and I seem to be the only person he's confiding in. I have to make sure he's okay for the sake of the kids.

I agree there is nothing i can do, i just need to suck it up :( and accept it (i just thought i had more time to adjust)
I love your comment about my kids looking back and judging my behaviour, that is a really good thing do, thanks for your advice.
and sorry to hear about what you are dealing with, that must be very scary and not nice to deal with, im here if you need to off load :(

Thanks @Lorddenning1 **
I took my kids on a play date this afternoon to the house of a child my daughter is friends with, I don't know the Mum at all. I was dreading her asking a direct question that meant I had to mention we're separated but luckily she didn't. I just feel so sad that I've got about 18 years ahead, possibly a lifetime, of feeling conscious my kids aren't getting the family life we'd planned. I guess once they're older it will be a bit different, but it feels pretty unusual to be a single mother of such small children in this area.

Eugh was doing so well and then heard (third hand information) that ex has now got a GF with a 1 year old and she posts photos of the three of them on social media.

I genuinely don't care that he's found a girlfriend (except that it means my dream of him moving far far away might not come to reality if he's met someone here) but I am so so so gutted on DS's behalf that he's playing happy families with another baby! How can he only see DS for half an hour once a week and then play daddy to a different baby. I'm so upset and angry about this. I don't know why it's got to me so much. God I hate him. And I've got to see him tomorrow for his weekly half hour.

Grrr.

@sittingonacornflake
It's so hard isn't it? You're being a good mum by trying to maintain contact and your baby will be grateful to you in time for doing all you can. What was he like as a dad before you broke up?

And what is it with men needing to run into new relationships?! Idiots!

Contact with my ex is also a real strain. He's due to visit on Saturday and stays overnight as it's such a long distance / can put our daughter to bed etc. I know it's the right thing for her and I can keep an eye on things but means I can't escape being updated on his mental health. I need to know what's going on for our daughter's sake but I feel so emotionally burdened.

@unexpectednewstart he was totally and utterly useless. Sigh.

That sounds so tough on you - I don't know how you stay so strong. But as you say - your children will look back and be so grateful for what you did for them.

So ex came round to see DS for 20 minutes today. Apparently that's enough for a whole week.

Anyway, I tried to provide an opening for him to tell me he has a GF as I asked about how she was (he's mentioned he's friends with her before). He just said fine and mentioned some party she'd had that he went to. Didn't tell me he's in a relationship with her even though it's all over Facebook! (Although he doesn't know I've now seen any of this) Why?! Why hide things from me, what is even the point. I hate that it bothers me so much.

@sittingonacornflake I think he might not be telling u to spare you, hopefully, it must be hard to see him play happy families with someone else, which is what my ex is doing but surprisingly it doesn't bother me, as the boys have me, it's might do in the future but not yet. I have blocked him and her on Facebook, I don't want to see them or want them to see me on Facebook. The big meet is this weekend and up to now I'm ok with it, I might not feel like that at the weekend tho, we shall see.
I feel like after the latest upset, I'm done with him, for him to use his kids to upset me is a new low for him, he must of realised it also as he apologised to me straight away, but little too late, you don't mess with a single mum and her kids, i have turned off my emotions with him, I'm not even talking to him at the minute, I have gone really cold and he is of no interest to me.
@unexpectednewstart I think it's commendable that you are trying to do the right thing for ur kids and letting him see them but I think it's doing you more damage, what do u do once the kids are in bed, with him staying over etc?

@Lorddenning1 I'm impressed and envious of your mindset. You're sounding really strong and I hope you're proud of how well you're doing.

I need to be more like you. Next time I feel crappy I'm going to think 'what would Lord Denning do' (I read law at university so that made me chuckle!)

Thanks @sittingonacornflake it won't last lol it's a bit of a rollacoaster iv found, but I am finding the lows are not as frequent, if this is what I feel like after 10 weeks, roll on the next 10 weeks.
Strangely I feel quite empowered at the minute, I don't have to answer to anyone and I love it :) last week I found motherhood over whelming, but we are going through terrible 2s and the older one has an attitude problem, but that was last week :) this week mother patience is a lot better :)
I did law at uni also and what a man lord denning was :) he defo made it more interesting x

@Lorddenning1 I don't think either of us would have imagined things would turn out like this in our lives, back when we were bright eyed and bushy tailed undergrads!

@sittingonacornflake I never thought my life would of been like this, but the way I see it, back then life was full of possibilities, and here we are again, life is still full of possibilities. We can finally be happy, our relationships weren't right and now we are free of them, gone is the dead weight, we have our babies and our family and friends, we don't need anything else for now :)
And who knows what the future holds for us, maybe Prince Charming lol are you not excited at the thought x

It sounds like iv had a few glasses of wine doesn't it, I swear I haven't x

@Lorddenning1 you are right of course. I just seem to be having a bad few days. If we had had this conversation last week I'd have been full of beans and excitement. I guess that's the journey I'm on now - it's going to be a bit up and down until things settle properly.

I'm probably finding it hard as I'm still off on mat leave (which I LOVE don't get me wrong and I'm extending with annual leave) and DS breastfeeds all night long so in that respect I do feel quite tied down so possibilities feel a bit limited at this time. It sounds sad but I want to go see the spice girls next year but the nearest venue to us is 2.5 hours away and so will probably have to involve an over night stay (or a crazy late night!) so don't actually know if I would be able to go and leave DS. My parents will happily have him but I don't know.

Sorry, what a ramble. I need to snap back out of this mood don't I?!

PS I wish I'd have had a few glasses of wine last night but I resisted. Tonight however.....

Hi @sittingonacornflake and @Lorddenning1

I've had to go and google Lord Denning, thanks for the education!

My ex stays in the spare room and retreats there once the kids are in bed. I think I'm getting to the stage where this is no longer sustainable as I find it stressful and can't avoid taking on some of his emotional load. It works well for our daughter though so not sure, will have to see how it goes tomorrow. I was hoping to keep this arrangement until we've agreed our financial settlement out of respect for it being his house too and to try and keep things amicable. However now we're actually at the stage of divorcing, he's being less amicable so maybe it's pointless to try.

I would definitely book spice girls and work out logistics nearer the time. It gives you something to look forward to, and i imagine you could sell on tickets if necessary. I have started a list of things I'd like to do once I'm able to leave the baby. It's a long way off but gives some hope!

Ps at times I actually find being a single mum more empowering that being part of a happy couple. I don't have any expectations of anyone helping me, so no disappointment, the kids definitely need me and I feel loved, no Mum guilt for going back to work (there's no one else to pay the bills) and just getting through any one day is such an achievement.

@unexpectednewstart I know what you mean on finding it easier in some ways. Before with all the night wakings I'd have that plus that feeling of resentment towards then DP as he refused to engage at all. Now I don't have that and I'm so used to all the night wakings they don't really bother me anymore. Although it will be nice when they stop don't get me wrong. The other night I actually watched an entire film before DS woke up for the first time ever - was lovely!

Sorry to hear things aren't really working with your ex staying over. I can see why it wouldn't work though. Before we split I thought I wouldn't mind ex being here but I actually I hate it. I find it such an intrusion in my home and life and I don't want him there. Maybe have a chat to him and see how he feels? He might feel the same but hasn't said anything? Or am I clutching at straws. Just remember this has to work for you as well, your MH is really important because if you're happy you are a better mum etc.

Also thanks for the advice I'm bloody well going to try and get spice girls tickets eeek!!!

Did you get tickets @sittingonacornflake ? I hear they sold quickly.