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BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

    The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

    Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

    Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?
OP posts:
Flatwhite32 · 03/03/2018 15:53

@drinkswineoutofamug I still laughed! Haha!

PicklingGherkins · 03/03/2018 20:20

I have no words right now (I may have had two glasses of wine)

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
JessieMcJessie · 04/03/2018 23:11

I have had an actual “Reader’s Brainwave” published in Take a Break! It even got “Top Tip” of the week Blush.

It was a real thing I did so I thought I might as well give it a punt for 50 quid. Which definitely went in DS’ trust fund and was not at all spent on wine, no siree...

I do in retrospect wish I had invented a ridiculous name for DS like Jayden-Kai or Bradlee though.

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Killybashangel · 04/03/2018 23:13

Aww he's gorgeous

JessieMcJessie · 04/03/2018 23:15

Thanks Killy- I figured I had to be in with a shout for the cash because all the Grannies would like the pic Grin

2018February · 04/03/2018 23:40

Awww lovely boy!

Flatwhite32 · 05/03/2018 19:05

Aww well done @JessieMcJessie! 'Jayden Kai' - hahaha! Maybe next time?!

Bigx · 18/03/2018 22:45

This is my favourite "tip" of all time.

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
jollyjester · 19/03/2018 05:59

I have found my people.

I wonder how the hell such entertainment still costs less than a quid.

It must be everyones guilty pleasure.
I used to enter the competitions but never won anything.

Maybe my newly fashioned sanpro wedding dress with eco veil made out of the plastic netting from my dazzas stella cans would get me a mention on top tips.

Flatwhite32 · 19/03/2018 18:49

@Bigx that's bloody hilarious! Surely she didn't actually wear that to her son's wedding?! Hahahaha!

marchonto2018 · 19/03/2018 18:53

I hope her DIL wasn't on AIBU as we'd never have believed her.

'My new MIL wore a fucking tree on her head Angry AIBU in thinking this was the one time she could have gone to M&S like every other MOTG'

  • it can't have been that bad!

  • pics or it didn't happen

-your poor DH
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 19/03/2018 20:13

Can't believe so many people have mentioned "In time..." but nobody has mentioned "Time passed!"

I took one look at Jason's twinkling eyes and I was besotted. We'd only known each other three weeks when he moved into my two-bed end-of-terrace in Coronation Street, Simpletown, but it felt right. A few months later I began to get a funny feeling in my tummy after our slap-up meals. I knew it couldn't be Jason's food hygiene, not after he'd got three stars from the council for his fish and chip shop business, Oh My Cod.

I sat in the bathroom, waited two minutes, and took a deep breath. I was pregnant! Nine months later I gave birth to Always-Ultra.

Time passed and we added to our brood with Bodyform-Long (7), Super-Absorbent (6) and Nighttime-Carnage (4). Then I got a phone call that would change everything.

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
puppymouse · 19/03/2018 20:24

I love these headlines. My all time favourite was "My Budgie ate my Penis." From memory I don't think it actually did. But hey what's a bit of economically truthful journalism when it's distracting you from an impending smear or similar at the doctors.

MixedButtons · 20/03/2018 01:07

I may need a sani or two from all the laughing Grin
I can just see Dawn and Sandra in matching tankinis waiting for their ample bosom to catch the eye of a waiter 😂

FlatKraken · 20/03/2018 02:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flatwhite32 · 20/03/2018 07:32

Haha @FlatKraken! Good little earner there! I love how the magazines sensationalise the content of the stories. I read a story the other day about a bride who was 'SHOT IN THE BUM' on her wedding day. Turns out she had an allergic reaction to her wedding bouquet, and had to have a steroid shot in her bum at her local hospital!

Teutonic · 20/03/2018 22:29

I can remember a Top Tip in a magazine a few years ago that said if your sheets went bobbly to hang them over a wAshing line and run a bic razor over them.

Can you imagine your neighbour asking what are you doing?
And you replying ' I'm shaving my sheets '

FlatKraken · 21/03/2018 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlatKraken · 21/03/2018 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flatwhite32 · 24/03/2018 11:07


BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
bookworm14 · 17/06/2018 11:39

I’m currently in hospital and Take A Break and its ilk are pretty much all I can cope with reading. Had to share this gem from the current issue of TAB. What contraception were they using - a sieve?

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
AllMimsey · 18/06/2018 20:14

Book 😂


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toffee1000 · 19/06/2018 04:57

I’ve read a few issues of these out of interest guilty pleasure when bored and they’re all the bloody same. interested to see how many versions of the same few topics they can make up

One issue took the piss for fake headlines. There were four cover stories (plus some extras) and three of them had completely misleading headlines.
1)“My boyfriend went on holiday with his SECRET FAMILY” utter horseshit, the woman knew he had a family. Bloke started messaging her online after breaking up with his wife, then he went back to her. Few months down the line, Bloke and woman writing the story were engaged, but he cheated. No mention of a holiday at all.
2) “Sis replaced me as bridesmaid!” accompanied by photo of the woman writing the story dressed in a policewoman costume. This was a weight loss story. Woman writing this story wasn’t replaced at all! She went to a dress fitting, realised how overweight she was compared to the others and lost the weight all of her own accord. Policewoman photo on the cover was accompanied by the implication that the woman getting married (aka not writer of story) was the fashion police. Again, completely misleading. The sister didn’t make any sort of nasty comment at all!!
3) “My FOUR YEAR OLD tried to KILL SOMEONE”... nope. False. Author’s child clearly has serious mental health issues, said he was going to stab HIMSELF at four whilst having a tantrum, later child did make an attempt on his life at ten. So another stupid headline, implying that a four-year-old attempted to kill say a relative or a child at school, when he didn’t do anything of the sort. (Child was violent towards others but didn’t try to kill anyone at all, the only person he did really serious damage to was himself).

Mostly the front cover headlines, although crazy and ridiculous, do seem to be a fairly accurate representation of the story in question, so I was surprised when three totally misleading ones appeared in the same issue.

I will never forget the story where a dad ended up catching the woman’s baby when she delivered at home. She said she enjoyed “making up” names for her kids. Baby in question ended up with a ridiculous name that would’ve been slaughtered over in Baby Names. They can be brutal over there.

toffee1000 · 19/06/2018 05:01

Jesus I sound like a regular reader!! I am honestly not that weird. I only tend to buy one when I’m going on a long journey and want something simple that doesn’t require me to engage my brain. And I don’t go on long journeys that often. Honest. BlushBlush

toffee1000 · 19/06/2018 05:42

Oh and I know the headlines are sensationalised, but those ones were particularly bad lies.

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