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BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

    The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

    Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

    Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?
OP posts:
alltoomuchrightnow · 25/02/2018 15:03

I'm so glad Dawn forgave her true friend San.
A trip to the Gambia sounds perfect to put the troubled incident behind them and the locals are so friendly where they are going.

Fanciedachange1 · 25/02/2018 15:03

Maybe dawn and sandra can see if judge rinder can help them?

Bettercallsaul1 · 25/02/2018 15:37

I was sure I'd remember. Grin

GUMBYMUMBY · 25/02/2018 15:55


Maybe all the houses were haunted?

LoobyLoomicles · 25/02/2018 16:35

Aslamina - cont...

"Oi Grandma! Who ate all the pies?"

I was so exhausted I could only just raise a middle finger to flip off the track-suited teenager who slowly cycled past me on a toddler trike.
"I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!" I called, but he was already gone. Leaving me in a cloud of Turkish delight vape and shame.

72 and pregnant, who'd have thought it? But it was the least I could do to be a surrogate for my daughter Asalamina. Her early life had been so hard and things had got worse since she moved in with me. Adjusting to a western diet of Sandra's left over Mealy Wheelys had caused her weight to BALLOON and soon she was housebound. I'd had to return to work to support her but I felt that it was my duty as (I think) her mother.

Aslamina had found love. The fact that it was with my new partner, 80 year old Derek, did make for some interesting conversations for me at the OAP day centre, but I could see that they were happy. Unfortunately, an ill-advised sex game with some popping candy had caused Aslamina's vagina to EXPLODE and so she couldn't carry a baby. Despite my advanced age, I took a deep breath and then offered myself as a surrogate. It was the decent thing to do.

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/02/2018 17:28

Looby that's brilliant...I can actually picture the headine re the popping candy...

DrCoconut · 25/02/2018 17:36

Given that my life is a heap of 💩 at the moment I could sell my story to them. But I have too much pride to do that.

DrCoconut · 25/02/2018 17:38

Take a break is actually my guilty pleasure. Haven't RTFT but everything goes black if they have an accident, operation etc.

Rachel0Greep · 25/02/2018 17:43

Bought TAB today, thanks to this thread.
Will settle down later with a nice cuppa Wink in my cosy house...

Nah, I haven't fully got the hang of TAB prose, but I will! Grin

PassiveAggressivePamela · 25/02/2018 19:31

Sandra and Dawn...I can just imagine them now, dragging their mini suitcases and heading through Departures in their sparkly fit-flops ready to find love Grin

MerryMarigold · 25/02/2018 19:45

Dying at the popping candy

YesitsJacqueline · 25/02/2018 20:06

Sorry if this has already been covered but does anyone remember the segment called " boot sale tales"? They would write in something like this -'i was getting married in a month's time and I still hadn't found the right dress. I'd looked in all the shops but there was nothing I liked. I couldn't believe it when I found the perfect gown for sale at the boot sale for £3. It was a size 24 and a little loose for my size 8 frame but with a bit of needlework it looked smashing on the day '

YesitsJacqueline · 25/02/2018 20:06

They always say there was nothing in the shops they liked!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/02/2018 20:25

Yes there was nothing in the shops they liked Grin

Or something like; I couldn't find the right size vase in the shops so I covered a Pringles tube with some wrapping paper to make my own. I'm really pleased with the result and everybody comments on it.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/02/2018 20:26

Sandra and Dawn have morphed into a classic comedy duo.

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/02/2018 20:27

Passive, they'd be FitFlops and they've had their ingrown toenails dug out for the occasion and a french pedicure. Except San is missing her big toe nail so she's stuck on a plaster and painted polish onto it. No one will notice because her Ample Cleavage will be out at all times to distract and she's going to get her locks braided too

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/02/2018 20:29

They also have calloused feet. Dawn tried that new foot peeling stuff and is horrified when she takes her trainers off on arrival to find she's sloughed about 15 years worth of dead skin on the plane. She has to hurry to the ladies but blocks the loo hurriedly tipping the skin down there. The plumbing out there isn't great, she wonders if she should tell the holiday rep.

alltoomuchrightnow · 25/02/2018 20:30


3luckystars · 25/02/2018 20:43

Leg EXPLODED at 30,000 feet

AuntyElle · 25/02/2018 20:43

Brilliant, alltoomuchrightnow Grin

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/02/2018 20:46


HarrietKettle · 25/02/2018 20:47



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HarrietKettle · 25/02/2018 20:48

X-post Nineties! Great minds Grin

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/02/2018 20:49

We've obviously both read far too many of these stories Blush

ScreamingValenta · 25/02/2018 20:54

My FOOT was FLUSHED down the TOILET!

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