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BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

OP posts:
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ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/02/2018 09:22

LOVE RAT ROTTTER Part 4 continued slightly..

..I reached for the phone and stuttered "Aslam?" To my surprise, a familiar voice replied- Sandra! She sounded flustered so I grabbed a cardi and headed stright across the road to hers in my sani slippers. (carefully avoiding puddles).

My mate Sandra opened the door looking shocked. I had been banging it hard. When I glimpsed her silky nightie and disheveled locks I knew something was going on. It was 1.30 in the afternoon.

Aghast, I pushed past her and rushed upstairs, tears springing to my eyes.
There lying on her breadspread was my lover, I'd know that Mellow Birds coloured tan anywhere.

I was devastated. Upset. My world had turned upside down.
"After all the times I've had you over mine for a cuppa, biccies and a natter, Sandra!!" "How could you steal my Aslam".

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 25/02/2018 09:45

headed straight across the road to hers in my sani slippers. (carefully avoiding puddles)

Absolutely dying at this Grin

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/02/2018 10:36

..As I dashed home in shock I bumped into Derek the window cleaner.

"Cheer up love" he said his kind eyes lingering on my tanned cleavage.

As I gazed into his twinkling blue eyes I realised he was a real gentleman. But I couldn't think about that now. I needed to think hard about forgiving Aslam. Sandra had taken advantage of my sweet innocent Aslam but I knew I still loved him with all my heart

I decided to call Physic Susan from the ads page in my Take A Break. I needed answers.

kierenthecommunity · 25/02/2018 10:39

I so hope that last part was illustrated with a picture of her frowning at a door, fist raised. With caption ‘I knocked on the door’ Grin

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 25/02/2018 10:46

I sighed as I watched the man I love enter the bathroom with a rolled up newspaper. It would be at least 20-40 minutes before I would see him again and feel him take me on his arms and whisper "Oh Lois, your quilted toilet paper is so LUXURIOUS"

HarrietKettle · 25/02/2018 11:23

LOVE RAT ROTTER FINAL PART

'I stumbled back home, my eyes smarting with tears. Sandra had never had a good word to say about Aslam, hadn't even wanted to be part of the wedding. And all the time she was angling for a bit of rumpy-pumpy with my man!

I felt shocked. Devastated. Sandra was two years younger than me. I'd become a walking cliche. He'd left me for a younger woman!

In time I heard the front door click open. Aslam shuffled in sheepishly. 'Dawn. It was just fumble. You don't have time for me and are always play the bingo. Sandra help me to write my job applies then we just fall to each other. In Turkey is custom to take many wife. You just don't understanding my culture!' Then he stormed out, probably back to HER.

The cheek of him! After all I'd done for him! A sick bile pulsed in my stomach. Shaking, I picked up the phone. I called a number and a man with a strong Indian accent answered. 'How many I help you madam?' He said. 'I'd like to know how much I have left In my account, please' I forced out.

'£42.89, madam'

The phone fell from my hand as I sank back on to the sofa. There had been over thirty thousand pounds in that account! I'd spent thousands on what I'd believed to be a happy future, thinking I'd have Aslam to take care of me when I hit old age.

Days blurred into one. I didn't see Aslam again but I bagged up his things in a Nisa carrier bag and dumped them on Sandra's doorstep. I had to keep the ring as my fingers had swollen since then, and it was stuck fast.

In time, there was a soft knock on the door. I heaved myself off the sofa and went over to it. A forlorn figure with wrinkles to match mine stood there, proffering a packet of garibaldi biccies.

'Peace offering?' Said Sandra. 'Dawn, he cleared me out too. I'm sorry for what I did. I couldn't resist, he was so charming.'

Didn't I know it! Those walnut-whip eyes had only ever had to twinkle at me and I'd go damp, in a way that was nothing to do with bladder weakness.

'Come in, Sandra. The Chase is about to start'

I heard from his kebab shop mates that Aslam was deported back to Turkey. Good riddance I say. As for me and Sandra, we will never touch another Turkish man with a barge pole. It's taken two years to save up but with the money we've earned from sending in 'top tips' to our favourite mag, but we're off to The Gambia next year. We reckon we deserve a bit of sun and fun after our ordeal'

'Sandra says: at first when Dawn hit with Aslam I told her to be wary. I thought she was making a right show of herself, the trollop, prancing round in clingy tops and chewing my ear off about their romps. But Aslam fooled me in the end too. Now we're patching up our friendship and trying to put men to the back of our minds'

Aslam says yeah, is good business for me with the old women that come to the resort, they throw themselves at you. They want to buy you gifts. I wanted it to work with Dawn but she nag me about everything and don't run around after me like wife should. She can only make oven meal from packets and don't iron my pants. Sandra was just fling. I'm not sorry for any of it'

OP posts:
HarrietKettle · 25/02/2018 11:24

I made a phone call.

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
OP posts:
HarrietKettle · 25/02/2018 11:24

Me, now.

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 25/02/2018 11:25

Ha ha! Brilliant, especially Aslam's comment at the end!

StewPots · 25/02/2018 11:38

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

WashingMatilda · 25/02/2018 11:40

Nisa carrier bag Grin

God's sake Aslam, he had it all and threw it away.

Pandoraphile · 25/02/2018 11:42

Ladies and gentleman - I bring you this.........

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Aridane · 25/02/2018 11:51

Harriet - what is your job? You have an awesome writing skill - is it time for a career change?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/02/2018 11:55

Harriet you're hilarious. Grin

Can't wait to hear about Dawn and Sandra's trip to The Gambia.

Their hearts will be healed and they're bound to catch the eye of dark haired hunks.
Thanks to TAB top Tips Dawn has jazzed up her plain bikini by sewing on pretty bottle tops and Sandra has fashioned an attractive sun hat by paper mache-ing old Take A Break magazines. All their friends have admired them.

Bettercallsaul1 · 25/02/2018 12:02

Bravo, Harriet (et al)!!!!! I love the way this tragic tale became a joint effort! There is obviously a Dawn inside us all. Truly a cautionary tale for our times!

Flatwhite32 · 25/02/2018 12:25

@Pandoraphile I bought that magazine with that wind ghost story in it! I was laughing so hard, DH had to come through and ask if I was ok! Hahaha!

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 25/02/2018 12:34

I've succumbed. I'm off clothes shopping with DD in a bit (should be fun Shock ) So I'll have to buy a copy of TAB.
You lot are very naughty. Terrible. Vipers. Grin

karmacoma1 · 25/02/2018 12:58

I nearly ended up in one of these.

Years and years ago, our house got broken into in the middle of the night, two men with machetes burst into our bedroom, there was a scuffle and long story short, my boyfriend (now Husband) ended up running down the street stark bollock naked to get the men to follow him/get help.

Shit experience, but a month or so after it happened, I saw an advert for real life stories from a sort of agency, paying up to 3k. I was a full time student at the time and we were always skint, and all our friends and fam knew the story anyway, so I put forward the story.

One of the mags ( I think pick me up) were intrested, but only if we would agree to a photo of dh, naked with a ‘cheeky look on his face and me holding a tea towel to cover his arse, with an Oooh matron expression. The title they wanted to run with was something like ‘ hubby in the nuddy! My mans daring bare bottomed dash’

After discussing it with dh, he deicided that the neighbours who answered the door to him that night seeing his bollocks was humiliating enough, so we declined.

Fanciedachange1 · 25/02/2018 13:23

Harriet and everyone you have cheered me up no end! Especially those photos at the end!

Karmacoma that sounds truly awful! I hope you were both unharmed

GUMBYMUMBY · 25/02/2018 13:24

Our wedding was one of the best occasions of my life. However, soon after things took a turn for the worse despite the fact that our semi detached maisonette was in the middle of Woking near the canal where I used to row as a child.
Pete was having an affair with the next door neighbour's third cousin twice removed. I only found out when I walked in on them in the kitchen with her hand on her bra.
Soon after, I found out she had been abducted and held in a lock up garage by a gang of youths and this had been going on for years.
Pete was distraught and despite the Police's best efforts when she was finally freed he couldn't look at her with the same eyes.
I didn't take him back. I had my taste of freedom and now I am happily single living in another house in Woking nearer the canal.

GUMBYMUMBY · 25/02/2018 13:30

PS. a friend of mine was in one of those True Romance photo magazines as a love rat. Interestingly, he is now the Head of the Graphics Department at a top University.

That isn't from Take a Break. It's true.

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 25/02/2018 14:50

Nothing wrong with Dawn and Sandra's relationship that a cuppa and some biccies won't put right.

BalloonSlayer · 25/02/2018 14:52

It's not only Take a Break that does exaggerated headlines.

On the cover of the Sunday Times property supplement is a whole page photo of a nice jolly family. The headline is:

The great housing shortage
This family viewed 100 houses before they found The One. What is going on?

When I read the article it turned out:

  • They wanted to move from London to somewhere else
  • It didn't matter where they lived
  • They didn't know where they wanted to live
  • So they looked in NINE different towns in the South of England, spread across several different counties and ended up viewing 100 houses.

So they looked at an average of 11 houses in each town before finding "the one." What's so headline worthy about that?

Housing Shortage, you claim, Sunday Times? What's going on, you ask, Sunday Times? Family with no idea where they want to live spends an eternity faffing about looking at different towns and houses, that's literally ALL that's going on. Hmm

Pandoraphile · 25/02/2018 15:02

Aslam (contd).

In time, I got older. I rarely left my 4009th floor council flat. You see, after I'd given all my money to Love Rat Aslam, I wasn't able to keep my house. Luckily, Sandra started doing Mealy Wheelys so I still saw her for a cuppa and a few biccies. When she delivered my freeze dried meals.

Time passed and by now I was even older. Aslam seemed a distant dream. I had no friends. So I was very surprised one day to hear my doorbell ringing. I pushed my feet into my Sanpro Slippers and shuffled towards the door. My rheumy eyes struggled to see. But, when I opened the door, I got a terrific shock. It was those chocolate-melty, deep, dark pools. Aslam! I gasped and hung onto the doorframe, "A-A-Aslam?" I stuttered.
But as my eyes focused, I realised something. It was a girl! She tossed her long tresses back over her shoulders and I saw her pouty lips.

"I am Aslamina," she said. "I come here from Turkey. I know about you and my father. He has been tell me all." She looked cross.

Confused, I opened my mouth "But, wha-what do you mean?"

"Just because you flee country. It's not meaning that I cannot find you." She pointed her finger dramatically as I clung to the wall. "I know truth! YOU are the real mother of me!"

I couldn't speak. Was it possible? I thought back to my time with Aslam. Could I have somehow persuaded my post-menopausal body into conceiving? Carried a baby? I was sure I'd remember. But my memory is not what it was....... My eyes filled with tears.

TBC..........(if wanted!)