BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

I read one at the laundrette once - I shit you not the front page headline was ‘my boyfriends penis was actually a toilet roll holder’!! Apparently the boyfriend turned out to be a woman in disguise who used a toilet roll holder with a condom over it as her penis - and the girlfriend never noticed!

I also need time to source the perfect 'me now' pic

The village GP will attend the birth. He will call Molly 'a brave girl' as he gently mops the perspiration from her brow and smiles reassuringly.

He will not unceremoniously ram his hand up her flue to see how far along she is and tetchily moan about it being 'bloody ages before anything interesting will happen'.

#FuckOffMolly

@Mycatsapirate

Can you imagine going to a house where someone used all the top tips? Those place mats with the deodorant egg cups, the cereal boxes on table corners, a half cut up chair so your gran can piss in a bucket, mum wearing fanny pads on her feet and poor old granddad is so cold that they've put the kettle on to make a new set of handwarmers for him after a cuppa.

Cracked up imagining this!

Ooops - wrong Molly thread.

I love the top tips that end ‘all my friends admire my cutlery chandelier/recycled birthday card art work/sticky backed plastic covered placemats...’

No they don’t. They’re just very polite.

Bob, 48, from Rimming Close, Mankini Town, sashayed back into the thread in his size 12 cling film mankini and my husband gaffertaped to his balls.

'I never had an affair' he soothed, handing me a glass of vodka and cola and a ciggie.

'Let's head over to classics for a fresh start and a boogie'.

No DC so sadly not Chardonnay

Perhaps some of my old bras? If I strip the underwires out I could re-use it, with the lace making an attractive trellis?

I'd left my heart and my newly-ignited loins back in Turkey.

Ahhh I thought I could smell something.

Well, I personally use my old bras to strain cooked pasta through.

Aslam didn't have a visa yet but he'd managed to get hold of all his necessary documents just in time. It had cost £10,000 to pay his friends from the kebab shop to get them but what the heck!'

I admired my gorgeous wedding ring. Glinting in the sun it seemed full of promise. A new life. Together. Happy. Aslam had gazed deeply into my bifocals when he tenderly placed it on my finger. "Dawn", he breathed, "This was a precious family heirloom from my Grandmother". Tears of happiness flowed gently down my rosy cheeks. How lucky I was to have such a good man! After years of being unhappily married to Trevor, I felt that Aslam had taught me to love again.

Cleaning up in the kitchen after our slap-up wedding meal, I noticed a Cash Converters shopping bag. I was so proud of Aslam for explaining that he was being 'eco' and reusing carriers. Smiling again at my wedding ring, I noticed that my finger felt itchy. I peered at it; was that a green mark? Something wasn't right. My vision spun. Tilted. Could it be cancer? I reached for my phone. "Aslam!" I stuttered, "I need you!"

DailyMail I couldn't have done it better

Tis only a placeholder Harriet. Can't wait for the official part 4

Part 5 I meant!! Too busy thinking about Aslam's Coffee Mate coloured gaze...

This thread genuinely brings me joy. Best of Mumsnet right here (no more mag spoiler though please, my local was out today so I've got to hit up a supermarket tomorrow)

‘My hubbys WONKY WINKY’

I have throbbing ache in my meat parts

Harriet - you're a genius! Please become a writer for TaB!

My favourite top tip was once you’ve used your disposable razor you can use it for peeling carrots

I don't know if anyone remembers this from the 90s but it stayed with me!. A husband with a roving eye died and the wife got the ultimate revenge by having him buried in the place he hated the most (his home town... as I recall he'd had ideas 'above his station' and had left this town as it was beneath him. It was a Somerset town... I'm certain Bridgwater or Shepton Mallet. He'd probably gone off to live in 'that London').....
Anyway, the next week all these angry residents of Bridgwater (or Shepton Mallet) wrote in saying how wonderful the town was. Take A Break had to issue an apology as they hadn't meant to imply the town was a shit hole (not exact words used but close to it!)
Do they still have the letters page.. I think was called Sensible and Barmy? And does Liz still do the beauty page? 'Look the biz with Liz'

(the headline was something like this - 'Marg's revenge! I buried cheating husband in Shepton Mallet!)

alltoomuchrightnow

It was something like Sally Sensible and Betty Barmy I think .

AIBU what the fuck happened to Sandra????

Westriding - I'm more concerned about Daz.

Waiting impatiently for Aslam conclusion