BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

Tired of getting your washing 'darked on', make a cover for your clothes out of sanitary towels to stop spiders rubbing their willies on your washing.

Bulking out a casserole with sanitary towels has left me with face ache from laughter!

The obvious tips are my favourite.
“Feeling thirsty? I find a glass of water really sorts this out” reveals Derek, 52, Fuckwittterington.

This article about TAB and their ‘brainwaves roadshow’ is brilliant

slightlysouthofsanity.blogspot.co.uk/2009/05/take-break-as-therapy.html?m=1

Imagine if the Apollo 13 crew had had a pack of always ultra to hand ....

Ha, this has struck a chord for me. I’m in hospital and got a magazine from the trolley man today. He obviously mainly caters to an older audience so I picked the best of a bad bunch which happened to be TAB. It was this baby shock headline that swung my choice, but talk about false advertising! It’s actually a woman being surrogate to a gay couple for whom she was best woman. Pesky editor twisting a fairly run of the mill story to make it sound salacious. And stupid me buying into it. Mind you, they claim to pay up to £2k so I’m going to use my time in here laid up to think which mundane aspect of my life I can twist for a TAB story that sounds gripping even though it’s not. Some of you lot can fluff out the writing, use 10 words when 2 would suffice, that kind of thing. I’ll split the proceeds with anyone who helps

Also I’m shocked that Susan from Bradford was paid £75 for telling the world her kids went on a walk and then sat on a bench at the end of it! What a crock of shite!

I used to read it all the time and still do occasionally, Just for laughs.
One that sticks out " I got pregnant by an ugly stranger on a see saw " , it was a gay couple wanting a family so one of them hung around the park of a night and had sex with the first man she sees. Got pregnant right away. Wanted another baby and went back to the park , saw the same man their , got pregnant again. What are the chances .

Tape two 'night time' sanitary towels together to make a trendy clutch bag. The wings make an ideal 'clasp' and you can brighten your bag up by decorating it with old bottle tops or the empty foils from aspirin packets.

Old socks around a pot noodle for your plants

Hahaha this thread is making me laugh! These magazines are my guilty pleasure. Sex is always 'romp', 'bonk' and always 'steamy'. The tips pages are hilarious. I once saw someone who made slippers out of sanitary towels, and coasters from mince pie foil cases.

My dog BURNED down my house.

I was at work eating a sneaky biccie when the phone rang. It was my neighbour Violet who we had a natter with with a glass of wine every Friday night. She was married to Bill, a lovely bloke who works down at the tip.

"Oh Sharon" she sobbed "you better get home. Your house is on fire"

I raced out of work and dashed home to see flames licking the walls and windows exploding under the intense heat. The firefighters were struggling to control the blaze.

My knees suddenly went weak as I clung to Violet. My eyes filled with tears. I suddenly let out a yelp "my dog!! My dog is still in there. Someone must save my baby!"

I watched frantic as a man dashed into the flaming house. Holding my breath I let out a sob as he came out cradling a limp bundle. After a quick dash of oxygen, Neveah, was bounding round again.

Finally the flames were out. My house was gutted. All of my possessions gone. All the baby photos of Naveah burned. I was devastated.

Finally the truth came out on how the fire started. Turned out my cheeky pup helped herself to a biccie I had left on the kitchen side and in doing so, accidentally turned the cooker on.

Good job I love my silly little pup and she didn't go up in smoke too

Having had a particularly shit week with work this has made me smile. Harriet your writing is borderline genius I've nominated for classics

More top tips gold

This one feels like the family should be directed to the Stately Homes threads...

YES!! Aslam and Dawn live on

YES!! Aslam and Dawn live on

In compact form, natch

Ha, if only she had some sanitary towels in the house, TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally.

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally

Ha ha ha! How to keep your children occupied for - well, the rest of their lives, while they piece it together. It's like some ghastly torture from Greek mythology!

Omg, the mum breastfeeding her 13 year old. Surely that has to be a safeguarding issue.

My SEXY TOYBOY was really my long lost SON.

That one definitely has me rushing for the brain bleech

Not remotely place marking. Oh, no.

Surely the top tips are people taking the piss?!?

Thanks to this brilliant thread I'm now the proud owner of Take a break

Twenty sanitary towels strung end to end will make the perfect bunting to decorate your street for the Royal Wedding celebrations in May.

Oh just walked in and I was on the personalised rock picture. I said I will do that for your birthday. He said if you do that I will shove it up your arse with no lube. So you may see this in the future

I danced around the kitchen smiling to myself, eager to give Gaz his birthday present. We didn't have much money what with me polishing hubcaps and him toiling 96 hours a week at the local button factory but we were happy.
I'd prepared his favourite slap up meal of fish finger pie and a can of special brew.
My stomach was doing dances of excitement as I smoothed my tresses ready to meet him at the door. Evening sweetheart he trilled as he walked through the door excitedly greeting our dogs as he always does.
I love you my darling I said as I handed over his gift, awaiting his response with nervous trepidation.
What the fuck is this? I am going to shove this up your arse with no lube.

Take a Shit approached Gaz for a comment.

It was a fucking rock with I love you written on in tippex for fuck's sake. Fuck off.

Sil once worked for TAB. I remember her going to interview a man who was bed bound with grotesquely huge testicles and someone whose house blew up while they were on the toilet.
Not quite the journalistic career she dreamed of.