BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

I toyed with my freshly ironed tresses as I was thinking about which of my seductive dresses I bought from the summer sale in Primark I should slink into. I was ready to meet the man of my dreams.
I sashayed down the road to The Cock and the Crown, flaunting my curves. My lips glistened with a freshly applied red lipstick. "Hi Jack", I whispered in a sultry voice. "Wha?" he roared. I picked his hearing aid from the floor and cleaned it with the bottom of my short skirt, revealing just the right amount of my bottom. "Bang!" I heard. The barman behind me dropped a bottle of whisky on the floor. I didn't care. He was handsome but not my type, too young, probably 35 or something. I loved my men experienced and mature.
I kissed Jack on his beautiful thin lips while lovingly adjusting his hearing aid. My tongue skimmed his gums. His dentures weren't repaired yet, the poor thing. I still loved him. He was my soulmate, like I have known him my whole life, maybe even before that. Do you believe in reincarnation? I do. It's been 14 years since my Mum pushed me out of her body but with Jack it felt like we've been together for eternity. My sweet man. My love. My everything.

This is my favourite. I think of it every time I eat pavlova.

Sani Slippers does Christmas

THEY PAID £25 FOR A PICTURE OF THE BACK OF A CAT

Sani Slippers - are they for real? Isn't it just staff pissing themselves laughing when they are creating yet another horrible sani-whatever?

Cland I SHRIEKED when I got to the age

We need to think of 100 uses for sanitary towels...
Hat too big? Line it with sanitary towels!
Cut yourself and don't have a plaster to hand? Whack a panty liner on it, job done!
Etc etc.

Casserole too watery? Bulk it out with sanitary towels!

I really want to read “banned for shitting in the crispy seaweed”but it won’t enlarge on my iPad. I am bereft.

Are the kids arguing again? Do you need a gag? Just stick a heavy flow sanitary towel over there cakeholes!

*their

Effing works better WITH there

I’ve got Chat, Take a Break and That’s Life. Friday night sorted.

Bloody hell, two pages in. They look similar in that they both have heads.

A friend of mine wrote an article for Take a Break years ago, after her daughter almost died of meningitis. This was part of a campaign to highlight awareness. We did have to laugh rather a lot at how they'd edited what she wrote though - it was converted into very short sentences ('Time passed. I prayed for my baby.') , no big words, lots of dramatic pauses... She is an extremely intelligent woman with an extensive vocabulary, but they made her sound like she had a reading age of about six. It was for a good cause though, so she forgave them.

To be fair, when I did a first aid course they said sanitary towels make great emergency dressings, just remember to place absorbent side down.

Got a blister? Line your shoe with Sani towels!
Spilled your drink? Mop it up with sani towels!
House at risk of flooding? Instead of sandbags, use sani towels!
Performing a kidnapping? Cover the kid's mouth with a sani towel!
Fancy a change of decor in the bathroom? Tile the wall with sani towels!

Another 'real' one, apparently you can pour strong alcohol onto sani towels and put them in the freezer to use as ice packs (the gel kind for injuries)
Or, you know, you could buy an actual ice pack and drink the alcohol.

Casserole too watery? Bulk it out with sanitary towels!

- Must remember that lovely tip next time I make an overly moist casserole...

Performing a kidnapping? Cover the kid's mouth with a sani towel!

I am dying here

No dough for making pie? Just use sanitary towels!

Have people got TAB on Readly? It seems not to be on there other than monthly specials

Known as Chavmags in this house.
My son was once approached by TAB to do a photospread for them. He had lost a lot of weight and there was stuff about him on Reddit. I imagined one of those photos with him standing in one leg of his trousers with a cheesy grin and a thumbs up. They offered him £1500 for this but fortunately his morals must be better than mine and he declined whilst sashaying his toned pins in the opposite direction.
As an aside the DM wasn't so scrupulous and published a made up story about him. They described him as an astrologer among other things and not a hint of coin was offered.
However, I did win a car from TAB several years ago. Complete fluke but you can't look a gift horse in the mouth. I was worried someone would come to the house with a car wrapped in a big red bow and I would be forced to pose on the bonnet flashing some side boob.

Put a sanitary towel on top to your pot plants and soak the towel to water the pants.

No deodorant in the house? Can't be arsed to iron a fresh shirt?

Stick two sanitary towels under your pits and change every day.

Picking up from where we left off earlier: 'Don't worry, my darling.' I smiled 'I have a plan.'...

Back in the UK in my 3 bed semi, I pondered and plotted. What to do? How could I help Aslam? My brain whirred. Thoughts flying around like the cutlery on my home-made Take a Break top tips wind chime. My inheritance from Mankini Bob, age 75, was tied up in red tape. Legal eagles were doing their best but how could I save Aslam's family home in the meantime? Sitting at my breakfast bar I prayed for inspiration.

Suddenly I knew just what to do. Cheap, strong, absorbent and durable - I'd take some Always with me to fix the roof! Excited, I picked up my iPhone with its Swarovski crystal case and dialled Aslam. I couldn't wait to tell him my news and see his gorgeous twinkling Options Belgian Hot Chocolate coloured eyes again...