BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

This thread is hilarious!

Now, just in case anyone's excited about Easter, I'll just leave this here...

This thread has kept me snorting and hiccuping all bloody day. Half my Belgian bun went across the floor in a great spray of hilarity.
My DH dos think I am mental but I can't even begin to explain to him why its so friggin funny.
Back in the day when me and my best mate were single parents, both in our 20s, TAB kept us enteretained for feck all money. She nicked her mums copies.
We still talk about it.
I swear this thread has given me colic from holding in the laughter.

Just don't go out in the rain bunnies. Your ears will swell to epic proportions and may expand widthways.

Ilostitintheearlyninties The art of the Sashay usually surfaces by the 5th glass of Chardonnay and before the shots start.
It is typified by a surge of unfettered confidence and a song coming on that, if you were sober, you would just tap your foot to, but the wine surging through your system makes you feel like Gene Kelly on Speed.
Not a good combo.
But you have to do it once to feel you have truly lived.

I'm not walking any more. I'm going to sashay EVERYWHERE!

Gene Kelly on speed
Thanks for clearing up the art of sashaying Lola although I'd call that pissed.
"I was off my nut on Chardonnay and decided to hurl myself at the dance floor like a deranged Beyonce" doesn't sound as romantic though.

lolaflores

That vivid description brings back some embarrassing memories!

This sort of ties in with the netmums thread on Classics!

The nurse crept up behind me as she whispered “this won’t hurt a bit”. The sunlight glistened on the sharp implement just as it was thrust deep into my neck..

I rose from my seat clutching my neck as the pain ripped through my body and the blood seeped through my fingers.

As I got up to leave the nurse looked up menicingly and said “see you in three months for your next round of Botox”.

I remember the partner of a guy we worked with sold “their story” to said quality publication (complete with pictures so he could be identified). It was all about how he “restored her faith in men” after years of being badly treated by every man she’d ever known. The best bit was the vivid descriptions of “the tiger he was in bed”.
Oh how we laughed when someone brought it into work!! Our mild mannered, farm manager was a machine with the laaaaadddiiiiiieeeessss 😂

How about this

The top tips though. Utterly brilliant.

More uses for sanitary towels - who knew they were so versatile?

I’ve just remembered another word they use - no one ever sings, they ‘croon.’ I read one story where a loverat DJ broke the heart of our gutsy heroine and it was things like ‘Paul’s eyes locked onto mine.....’’I can be your hero baby....’’ he crooned, his voice caressing every word of the song...’

But my particular favourite has to be this one. With the very careful instruction that it will need to be hand delivered rather than posted...

Or flung through a window ? 😂

I’d aim it at their skull. It’s a rock and Tippex. There’s wiser eating grass.

I haven’t read this whole thread yet but what I have read so far has been comedy gold!

I used to love reading my mum’s magazines. She only used to buy them for the puzzles but I used to read them from cover to cover.

Because of this thread I went out and bought a Chat and a Take A Break today. Usually I would have gone through the self service checkout but I had to go to Aldi. I also bought a 17p 2 litre bottle of diet lemonade (for a kids birthday party) and could feel the checkout guy judging me...hard!

I love the handy hints in take a break: ‘don’t throw your empty fabric conditioner out. Cut it in half and make a vase’ proudly holding photo complete with flowers in it 😂
The best ever was ‘ my husband had so many ties that he didn’t wear anymore. It seemed a shame to throw hem out so I sewed them all together and made a skirt’ cue pic of lady wearing the hideous skirt! 😂

I love each and every one of you.

The best ever tip was a lady who made slippers from sanitary towels!

do you think anyone ever actually buys it seriously. i mean not to laugh at

I've treated myself to the latest copy, am currently reading it with a cuppa and biccies.... when anyone else gets to lotan blue please let me know

Aren't the sanitary towel 'hips' girls the same as the 'bunny ears' girls? I wonder what they'll come up with next?

ToddlerTea I came on to say just that. The 'Top Tip' sanitary towel slippers had me and a work mate howling