BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

or the one where random women write in and say ' I thought your readers would enjoy seeing this photo of my grand children Rosey Mae and Dwain enjoying their ice cream > insert average photo of two children <

No Edna from Slough we wouldn't

I think it's the £250 paid for every story

Even if I was down to my last penny I don't think I could put my face to that story about the chicken shagging... How did they ever leave the house again? Especially the guy? You'd have to be pretty desperate.

Cocolepew thanks, that’s my Friday night sorted once DH get’s home with the wine and chocolate!

I had something happen to me (being vague, not able to elaborate) that these mags often feature. Everyone kept telling me to sell my story to them. Not for a million quid could I bring myself to, even though it’s extremely tame compared to the chicken shagging story!

One of my school friends married a doctor & had 2 children. Then on a family holiday to the canaries she had an affair with a Spanish waiter & left her children & DH to live out there

She sold her story to a shit mag (and got paid extra for providing pictures)

Her parents are vair posh & were not impressed!! Her ex in laws never spoke to her again either... my dsis still has a copy of the magazine from mid nineties

At what point during your husband shagging some poultry do you think 'best call round the mags and see who gives us the best offer'
You'd never look them in the eye again if they were your neighbour

NotASingleFuckToGive that's gross. Absolutely and horrendously gross.

'I couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe he'd be so cruel. I felt betrayed. Hurt. Broken. I reached for his mobile. Scrolled to his inbox. My eyes locked on the messages. My stomach lurched. Roiled. Tears welled. Fell. My hand trembled. Shook. So it was true. Clear. Undeniable. He'd had sex with the Christmas turkey'

I absolutely love the staccato prose. It adds a certain je ne sais quois to proceedings

I looked sadly at the remains of the turkey. Violated and broken. But I still managed to follow the Mumsnet advice and make a week's worth of meals from it. As time went on I grew stronger and one day met Kevin. He won my trust and soon we knew our love was meant to be. He was by my side holding my hand as I pushed little Maris-Piper into the world. Now we are a family. Strong and loyal. We are all vegetarians now though.

There was a story in it a while ago about a lady who used her fingerprint to unlock her partner's phone, she found dirty texts he had sent to other women and the headline to the story was 'fingered' 😂

Chicken lady wisely says that ‘people are too quick to divorce these days’

The triumph of optimism...

I’m surprised there have been no coq puns. I'm disappointed in you, mumsnet.

I'll never forget my secondary school teacher giving us an assignment to give a ridiculous headline to a tabloid story.

He was inspired by the "telephone ate my hand"

I did "my boyfriend ran away with my grandmother" . In reality, he had kidnapped her grandmother to hostage her for money

Found a copy in the swap box on holiday a couple of years ago. My DS’s has never seen anything like it and were howling with laughter at the headlines. Favourite was ‘my wonky boobs got me arrested’. They still mention it sometimes now.

I've been dipping in and out of this all day at work and trying to laugh quietly at my desk.
Comedy gold thread.

Some of the tips as well! Those fucking placemats with milk bottle tops stuck on. Why??

I'd like to add to the language - in addition to "locks" for hair they occasionally use "tresses" instead. It's the only place I've ever seen anyone use it

Why Susan write Birthday cards to her cat and not her husband...

writes*

Maris-Piper

I actually thought that was quite a nice name until I remembered it was a potato

TaB is going to be sold out this weekend after this thread .

This brought a tear to my eye from Pick Me Up magazine this month..

MR ROMANTIC
Jane Bratton, 35, from Stoke on Trent
Sashaying onto the dance floor, I noticed that everybody in the place seemed to be looking at me..
I'd lost weight and felt good. In a tight size 14 dress I was knocking back the shots
Before too long, I locked eyes with a man near the bar. Feeling flirty! The stranger downed his drink and walked over!

Excuse Me, he shouted over the music. But you must be the fittest bird in here tonight!
I erupted into laughter

We danced all night, John was a real gentleman

Jane I think you can do better love

FIND THE BASTARD WHO SHAT DOWN MY CHIMNEY
Homeowner's flue poo horror

(actually includes a photograph)

If she thinks a 'real gentleman' goes round talking about how 'fit' the 'birds' are, I'd hate to know what she thinks an ungentlemanly chap is like .

Love It! Still exists - just picked up a copy

Yes Jane you've set the bar too low for gentlemanly suitors

I bet his eyes 'twinkled' though

‘I woke up to a trampled flowerbed and a giant arse print on my bonnet.’ What this pensioner did to set the record straight...

How do you Sashay onto a dance floor? They're all at it. Does no one just walk to the dance floor anymore.