BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

My favourite crapmag story headline from years ago was 'Nick nicked the knicker nicker'. Quality.

I remember the social wanker!! That's life I think it was not that I'm in any way addicted to these magazines.
I love them at this time of year. Any day now it's going to be Valerie, 57, recently divorced and off to Sharm el sheik with her daughter Carol, where they will be on their guard against young handsome men but Valerie will fall head over heels for Abdul and marry him six months later because he's not like the others.
Cut to Valerie living in a caravan in Margate because he took her life savings and ran off with Carol

They always 'sashay' into places too, after slipping on their slinky dresses.

As if breastfeeding your teenage Son isn't fucking weird enough...
"I asked DH if he wanted my milk too," she says "So I lifted up my nightdress and helped him latch on. As he began sucking, I felt the same bond with him as I did when feeding our Sons"

This has really cheered me up.

Years ago my mum was poorly and having chemo at hospital. We were reading these magazines and our favourite was the tips page.

We stumbled upon " always dreamed of living like a princess with a four poster bed? Can't afford it? Buy a kids pop up tent and sleep inside that on your bed, works EXACTLY the same" it was possibly a combination of the emotions but we were both hysterical. Even the nurses and other poor ladies joined in. I have never forgotten that room full of us absolutely crying with laughter at the image of an adult squashing inside this tent to "live like a princess" .

A friend calls them skagmags. (where we grew up skaggy meant scruffy, not something to do with heroin)

I don't know who upthread it was that mentioned the staccato-like prose they use but that's definitely a feature! It goes a bit like this.

'I couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe he'd be so cruel. I felt betrayed. Hurt. Broken. I reached for his mobile. Scrolled to his inbox. My eyes locked on the messages. My stomach lurched. Roiled. Tears welled. Fell. My hand trembled. Shook.

So it was true. Clear. Undeniable.

He'd had sex with the Christmas turkey'

The mark of the gutter press is putting ages after names, along with some kind of descriptor.

FInancial Times: ‘Ms. Kendall was arrested and charged with fraud and will appear in Sunderland Magistrates court at a date to be determined’

TaB: ‘busty Sharon, 33, was arrested and charged...etc’

Of course the DM needs to qualify Sharon’s house prices as wel.

Daily Mail: ‘Busty Sharon, 33, was arrested at her 450,000£ bungalow ...’

A bit like the DM’s crusade to divide all substances on earth into those causing or curing cancer.

@NotASingleFuckToGive that is beyond anything!! You have to type that out 😂 or at least post a photo of it so it can be read!

This has cracked me up!

I was once reading a story in a trashy magazine and it sounded way too familiar. Then I realised it was one of my patients I’d cared for in a&e! She’d sold her story to the magazine exclaiming her dog saved her life. No mention of thanks to us mere mortals who worked for hours on her! I’m still a little bitter a Jack Russel got all the credit for that

And the top tips - how to give your budgie an orgasm using only a cardboard egg box and that sort of thing.

I think that's a different kind of magazine you're thinking of there...

I have no TV or Internet at the place I'm sleeping atm. So I read newspapers and lots of mags for entertainment. The slimming mags have a very similar style in the personal stories. Their lives go from complete misery to utter joy. It's like a fairy tale. Also stuff like Closer where a star's 'diet woes' are described by a 'source'. Poor old Pauline Quirke's getting it in the neck for 'piling on the pounds' The 'source' claims the reason for all of this is her concentrating on 'her chain of theatre schools' The lazy cow. It's much better to be skinny than have a successful business.

I've bought it once, for "I had headaches and then my brain fell out" (it didn't).

What I don't understand is the lurid crime stories, "Dancing around the garden with gran's head on a pole", you know the sort of thing - surely if any of these things happened, they'd make the national news?! But if they didn't happen, isn't it libellous against Kev or Daz or whichever hunk was allegedly wielding the pole?

I’ve seen the Top Tips, and they are always dire. My mum used to buy TAB and me and my daughters always laughed at the crappy tips. Worst one I recall was someone who cobbled together a fancy dress outfit making bunny ears out Of sanitary pads or pantie liners!

I have tried to come up with even —worse— better tips to send in a a prank, but I’m not that imaginative.

Christmastits here's a clearer copy I think, get your eye bleach ready

I staggered into my council flat, in grotty town, with two screaming toddlers, a pushchair, and bags of food shopping, to see my lazy bastard of a husband watching porn..I immediately ran in the kitchen and threw up..."I bet I'm pregnant I thought...Yes I was, and my Husband wanted steak for tea..On the £12 a week he gave me for food!..Later on, he went out in his sports car, all dressed up, and I thought, I bet that bastard's meeting another woman..At least I had the kids to keep my company..To cut a long story short, I left him, took the kids and went living in my own council house..Meanwhile my ex is still looking for women..

NotASingleFuckToGive O. M. G... I zoomed as much as I could and managed to read some of it... Did I read towards the end that she's tried to cut down because her son is approaching puberty and also that she needs 9000 calories a day to 'sustain her family's needs'?!!

OriginalGeordie, you can download the readly app and use your DHs sign in. More than one person can use it.
Im crying at the farting woman who thinks its her DH trapped in her arse.

She needs 9000 calories a day to "sustain her family's needs

Yeah I think she might have miscalculated that. She's about 20 stone.
And also WTAF is she thinking.

The teenage son is morbidly obese. She is killing him.

The teenage son is morbidly obese. She’s killing him.

@alltoomuchrightnow I bought a copy of one of them in the 90's just so I could cut out the headline "I pulled down my leggings and my intestines fell out" I also remember that the protagonist (journo) wrote in the story "I was literally holding my life in my hands"

Looking at the photo, I'm surprised she hasn't lost all feeling in her legs
Coming soon..I GOT SQUASHED BY MY BREASTFEEDING SON!!

Do these people have no shame or is it I'll do anything for my 5 mins of fame?

I think it's the £250 paid for every story..