BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

Harriet and Aslam-

'I have something for you', Aslam breathed. My heart nearly EXPLODED with excitement as he rummaged in his bag.

'This is a traditional gift...for a betrothal'. Assam's long eyelashes brimmed with tears as he took out a pair of white slippers and thrust them towards me.

I could hardly breathe as I took his gift in my hand. The slippers looked home made. They had little wings on each side of the foot and a surprisingly absorbent looking sole. On the top someone had stuck on googly eyes and sequins with glitter glue. They reminded me of something but I couldn't for the life of me think what.

'I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be yours' I finally managed to whisper. But I noticed that Aslam looked distracted. He sighed and look away. Gently, he took the slippers from my hand.

'But it cannot be.' He shook his head sadly. 'I have promised that I cannot follow my heart until I raise the gazillion lira needed to help my family repair the falling down house.'

My heart was breaking but I suddenly remembered how my uncle, fondly known in the family as mankini Bob, hadn't let anything stand in the way of true love. Reaching over, I grasped the slippers.

'Don't worry, my darling.' I smiled 'I have a plan.'

I'm sure that the Sunday Sport is actually a pisstake, like the Onion. Glenda doesn't exist. She just can't.

What worries me is whether all the regular purchasers realise that...

The Aslam LOVE RAT ROTTER updates are comedy gold.
The triple absorbency slippers would be brilliant for floor spillages.

I’m a fan of Creme Eggs, but not this much of a fan

Reading this thread, feeding my newborn ds trying not to wake everyone while laughing 😁
have also got a trial of readly and favourited all of the mags mentioned

I am at the Pickle and Turnip twist upthread! What a small world!

I have to ask- is that chicken story for real??? Or is it a parody??

Says something for the state of the country that I even have to ask 😂😂

"Plop Suey"

‘My SCAN photo looked like my DEAD GERBIL’

With a photo of an ordinary looking scan photo next to a photo of said gerbil, then ‘in time, I went into the agonies of labour but I got through it because I knew that Nibbles was by my side’ and an ‘us now’ photo of Candida-Rubella with her proud mum Traycie.

I used to work on a ward where a few stories got sold and they were always embellished. Body parts being eaten alive and long lines inserted through HIS BRAIN to his heart, and other unlikely events

@QuimReaper me too, although me and DH are gutted that Dezzer the dickhead hasn't been in TaB

Maybe I should sell my story on him for £50 😂😂

I love the top tip/crafty bits.

"I taped front covers of Take a Break to my coffee table and all of my friends say it's fab!" .....Yeah I'm fucking sure they do Glenda

This thread is amazing.

A few months ago a strange car parked in our driveway and when I went out to investigate the man introduced himself as being from Take a Break magazine and seemed to think I’d be expecting him. After some confusion it turned out he wanted our neighbour, my mind has been boggling since as to what on earth her story was. She doesn’t look like she drinks tins of custard or has husband reincarnated as goldfish

The Sport is sold as a genuine newspaper but I kind of get the feeling that some of their stuff might just be made up.

I love the tips.

People in take a break land, on their first romp, say "we became a couple" (Darren and I met at the chippy where he worked. Every Friday he winked at me as he served my battered sausage and said "you know where to find the best sausage in town".
We became a couple and a few weeks later I felt queasy and wondered if it had anything to do with Darren's sausage... ".

"Over time" is a neat little way of glossing over the fact that they split with one man and move another in in record time not giving two fucks how their kids are affected by it. Translates as met him om Monday and moved in by Friday but it's okay because these blokes always love the kids as their own. Maybe because a lot of them don't actually see their own kids, so the level of commitment is minimal.

YY to poster who said the ravishing descriptions never quite match the men pictured.

I can’t get past Rayn-Bo! I can’t breathe for laughing!

DH has the readly app so must pinch his iPad and have a read tonight.

Whilst it's a slight move upmarket from TaB, does Bella magazine still exist? It was always full of horror stories about women with gynae problems, and a really hair raising issue would feature a woman with a gynae problem who had an anaesthetic that didn't work so she ended up fully conscious but paralysed through her hysterectomy. I was bloody terrified of hospitals after reading Bella.

Love how Glenda was "alerted" by Alan the chicken shagger's "ecstatic yelps."

My sisters all time favourite cover on Take a Break was:

I was a HUMAN OMELETTE

The one I'll always remember was, "I breastfed my dad to save his life"

And this corker. Closer seem to love variations on this theme...

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/10/18/terri-graham-breastfeeds-dog-picture_n_1977649.html

😂

These mags follow a long tradition, is anyone else old enough to remember the Weekly News? Basically TAB in newspaper form, I had many hours of entertainment reading it at my grandparents house as a child.

@Littleredhouse , I remember that story!!!!

Her dad had a beard too.

The Sport is sold as a genuine newspaper but I kind of get the feeling that some of their stuff might just be made up.

You don't say!!! 😂😂😂😂

I really don't think people buy it to read about current affairs.