BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

Demi-Demi

Ah, I see you've realised it was impossible! Love the enigmatic ending...!

@StubbleTurnips According to the local news article he was cured of cancer back in 2015 thanks to a customer of his (sounds well TaB actually 😀). Sorry to remind you of his twatty behaviour on such a fun thread though.

Harriet and Aslam-

After withdrawing the cash and stuffing it into my ample bra, I raced to get changed. What to wear? I quivered with excitement as I slid the Contessa slip over my thighs. Sure, it was 25 years old but I was sure Aslam wouldn't mind!!

We began the long drive to his family home. FINALLY after 52 LONG hours I was going to meet them. Suddenly I had a surge of doubt. Would they like me? Would I like them? So many questions raced around my mind as we travelled the long, windy, curvy, swirly, dusty, musty roads. My doubts were quashed though as I sneakily watched Aslam handle the car. A man who could stroke a clutch like that couldn't be bad. Could he?

I was as nervous as a kitten as I greeted his Mother. At least, I THOUGHT it was his mother. Turns out it was HIS LONG LOST COUSIN!!!! Sadly they didn't have any biccies but I did notice how poor they were as they apparently had no egg cups and stored them in, what looked like, upturned Lynx caps.

I could sense Aslam's eyes on me. I turned and instantly knew "that look". He wanted me. RIGHT NOW. I was powerless to resist as he made our excuses and shagged me senseless in the goat shed. Was this real love? Could it be? The way he rammed me up against the straw left me in no doubt. This was IT.

As we left, he casually pointed out that the house was falling to pieces and would cost 3657385195679782879859 lira to repair. I bit my lip. Could I honestly live with myself if I didn't help? He had told me he'd never felt like this before...

Ah, huge slow-typing-esque cross post

This is the Sunday Sport.

Forgot to attach the picture.

No I love it StopPOP it's the extended version of the meet-the-family trip! It fits perfectly

I love this thread. My Mum used to buy all the trashy mags its transported me right back.

I’ve just remembered another one of the TAB top tips (circa 2010) - it was to use a cotton wool bud as a stylus to hit the keys on your Blackberry

SimonBridges I love the Sunday Sport! I found this one!

This happened to me today:

Early morning KNOCK from Tesco Delivery Driver left me BREATHLESS and WANTING MORE!
(He’d left one tray on the van, I had to run after him to get my green veg)

Hunky adonis rat faced little weasel types in TAB never actually speak. They 'whisper softly'.

I love the tips, like this gem!

@Handsoffmysweets neither can "The chicken was on the table and he was doing the sex to it."

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. How on earth did Glenda and Alan manage to leave their house ever again after that was published .

Hope no-one minds - it was TakeaBreak mag..... I would like to share this gem that I saw and photographed in the hairdressers two weeks ago - thought my pal and I could get a blue and a pink one and really steal the show everywhere we went

I used to work for an advertising agency that did ads for this type of clothing catalogue company.

We advertised in these kinds of magazines and the ad reps who would call would often be as dramatic as the stories they wrote. Our office favourite was from Love It! Absolutely lovely lady, but totally an overly dramatic luvvy. Our receptionist used to do impressions of her.

"I used to like nothing more than when my ex partner would stop in at the petrol station after work and buy me a Fry's Turkish Delight and a trashy mag. It was like he totally accepted my guilty pleasures. Over tine though, we grew apart. Looking back I should have realised that our relationship was over when he stopped buying me my eagerly anticipated copy of Take A break and I caught him wanking over The Peston Report. I knew my fiscal knowledge could never compete with that of Robert Peston, but I stayed with him and tried to make it work for the sake of our two year old tot, Rayleigh-Chelmsford*."

*Names have been changed, situations may not be entirely fictional.

This thread is hilarious. My nan used to buy these types of magazines so whenever I strayed at her house I used to read them. Forgotten all about it until now!

Oh I love this thread so much... have been nostalgically reminded of the joys of Take A Break...
In the 90s my best friend moved to USA and I used to cut out the headlines and make collages and post to her. I can even remember one for some reason - 'Rab's Rages Drove Poor Marje Insane'. There was also 'My Intestines Fell Into My Leggings'. Some poor woman went to the loo and her intestines fell out but luckily her leggings caught them so they didn't hit the toilet floor so they could be gathered up for hospital imminent death (she did survive btw..)
Take A Break and Chat were also my saviours when I first left home in the 90s and was totally impoverished. They always asked for photos to be sent in (no emailing back then! I did email letters only but I don't even know if attachments existed? And scanners were not common place) As I worked in a high street photo lab and tended not to pay for my films to be developed, this was easy for me. And they loved my photos! So I'd get £25 here and £50 there, which was not to be sniffed at back then. I remember panicking I couldn't buy my boyfriend a birthday present...as luck had it they were asking for photos of something specific..which I was able to send... the next week a cheque for £50 arrived and off I popped to joyously buy him a colour changing optic fibre lamp! (Like I said, it was the 90s)
The downside was the cringe factor. I don't know if it's the case now but you had to give full name and address, they'd publish every bit except the house number! And it really wasn't cool to be a 20 something geezerbird (or sometime indie/grunge bird) sending photos and made up tips to 'old lady' comics. I'd often bump into my mum's friend - 'ooh I saw you posted to Take a Break again'! Also absolutely no chance of denying it 'oh must be someone with the same name' when your address was listed too! And if I did too many I'd use my mum's name and address too ..

Lord, did they tuck into the roast afterwards? Saucy.

I love the surprisingly regular I didn't know I was pregnant stories.
Especially, THAT'S NOT A KEBAB IT'S A BABY! featuring Kelly who thought she'd had one too many Doners but out popped Lillah Rose.

The after picture is lovely; sitting on the sofa with baby and her bewildered looking 3 year old son Connor-Lee who is described as "thrilled".

NO NO NO

It isn't "over time", it's "IN time"

And drives me bonkers!!!!!

I am in tears at the Daily Sport stories
SimonBridges

I know this thread has moved on, but as an OT I can promise the lucky lady earlier that the NHS would have provided and delivered a commode for her (height adjustable). Free of charge

They wouldn't have had to butcher a chair.

It would have been much more hygienic

But then it wouldn't have made a good story.

Easy come, easy go.