BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

[HarrietKettle]

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

Proposals always go like this:

'I unwrapped my burger and prepared to get stuck in. Suddenly, Dave dropped to the floor, fumbling for something in his tracksuit bottoms. 'Shaznay, will you marry me?' he muttered nervously, revealing a gorgeous gold-coloured band set with a pretty stone glinting in the yellow lights. 'Get up you daft bugger!' I mumbled, thrilled, my double cheese-burger lying forgotten to one side in the excitement.

"I gazed into my partner Steve's eyes as we sat down to out romantic Chinese takeway set meal for two in my flat in Brighton, and then suddenly felt a weird popping sensation. MY BOOB HAD EXPLODED!!!"

"I was in the middle of basting the Christmas turkey when I felt a funny feeling in my tummy. "Must be the dodgy vol au vents at the neighbour's Christmas Eve party last night" I thought. I satdown and the loo and SCREAMED! I had not even known I was pregnant!"

Sorry, should be sat down on the loo

I used to make up stories and sell them to mags like this for some money at uni. I give you...
My Bible Class turned into a SEX CULT! (complete with pics of bikers holding up a dead chicken)
He turned himself into my HUSBAND!
Dole office found he was a DANGER!!!!

I used to write the porny stories for more! as well.

My DH has just come upstairs and with a look if concern in his warm brown eyes shyly asked" you never told me you could Fart and laugh at the same time."
For the last 20 minutes I have been biting the duvet and farting turning beetroot. I actually had to stop reading.
Oh good Christ.
I lived My Operation and my greatest disappointment in life is not having anything dramatic enough to write in about.

HarrietKettle and then it talks about how she realises she has to diet because she had so many Big Macs she is now a size 30. Or maybe she has to get stuck on a fairground ride before she has that revelation?

Best thread ever-laughing like a twat at these!
Yassqueen excellent pithy piece!

Used to read mum's TaB, occasionally buy it if I miss too much Jeremy Kyle! Found one behind my sofa 'MURDER at our wedding'. Couple got married in Vegas at the same time as the shooting at the concert.
Long story short-they were not involved but it makes a good story!!

Love the 'Me Now' pictures, the Daily Mail compo faces on some of them!

MrsDesireeCarthorse

When I was a Uni student I remember buying a copy of Chat which had a story in it "I had Phone Sex with a Chicken." Was that you, by any chance?

lolaflores Farting whilst turning beetroot is quite an acheivement. I just let out a little bit of wee when I read something funny. I feel quite inadequate now!

I have shit the walls laughing at this thread

Aslam and I in happier times. I remember when I swooned at his deep brown eyes and thick mop of hair.

😂😂 Aslam and Dawn

“As soon as the man spotted me, he made a run for it but I wasn’t letting him get away, not while I had breath in my body. I set off after him at a sprint, my 58-year-old limbs charging away beneath me, like a cheetah hunting it’s prey.” Take a break page 37

C'mon Harriet I really, really need to know how it all tragically feel apart with Aslam!

I'm totally buying a few of these tomorrow. I wonder could we get HQ to give us a crap-mags topic

@stubbleturnips I cheated and literally google image searched Derek Window Cleaner and that picture came up (it's from a local paper article). He fitted the TaB description of cheeky face and twinkly eyes so I went with it.

My favourite ever headline was:

My parrot came back as a CRISP!

A woman had found a crisp shaped vaguely like a parrot. She'd owned a parrot a couple of years ago, but had to rehome it (it wasn't even dead when it 'came back').

What have I been missing! I need to read one, now.

I am definitely purchasing a few shit mags this week

I LOVE this thread. I’m laughing out loud at the Vanessa Feltz drinking custard fears 😂😂😂

I remember reading one story about a woman who ‘fell for’ a ‘love rat’ named Mick, and she’d said something like ‘my heart leapt as he pulled up outside in his peachy pink Nissan Micra. Jumping in, I felt like a teenager again.’

There was the obligatory photos of her sat next to a phone because Mick hadn’t called with a caption something like ‘I waited for his call’, and then ‘Me now.’

Sure you’re better off without him, pet.

Ok ok

HOLIDAY HUNK turned into LOVE RAT ROTTER Part 3.

'After another blissful week in the sun with Aslam, the time had finally come to return home to the three-bed semi I shared with my pooch, Lola, in County Durham.

Aslam and I had spent one last night together, and, hot with the Turkish heat and the passion between us, romped until we fell onto the sheets, exhausted. All to soon it was time to leave. Aslam caressed my face sorrowfully. 'I don't want to part with my sweet Dawn' he mourned, fingering the solid gold chain I had bought him as a leaving present. 'You will forget me when you get back to your English men'

I blushed, flattered, stifling a giggle. I hadn't been ogled by anyone in ages, and my usual Friday night date was with the local chippy! 'No Aslam!' I said softly, entwining my fingers in that Nescafé coloured name. 'We'll stay in touch!'

'I have no phone and my English is not good enough to write with you' he said, looking away, abashed.

I left with promises to send him a fancy new phone and enough money for credit so we could video-chat, and reluctantly heaved my heart aboard the airport coach.

'It's not goodbye', I whispered to myself, blinking back tears.

I bloody love Take A Break.

I used to have a job where I had a lot of time to read magazines. I found that Take A Break would last much longer than classy magazines.

Aliens turned my son into a stuffed olive!
Double decker London bus spotted at the North Pole!

Now that is the Sunday Sport, which is brilliant.

@3luckystars I don't know why, but the melting chocolate woman had me in hysterics. DH came to check on me as he thought I was crying (with sadness)!

Do they do these online? I've never read one and my mum only used to get things like Marie Claire, they sound like a brilliant source of entertainment!

@PicklingGherkins you gave me a fright, DH and I were secretly hoping for a TaB scandal involving Derek! He's an arse btw in real life, made me cry at 9 months pregnant as I was missing 50p for his round and he went beserk on our driveway. Right cock head he was.

Abusive DH is reincarnated as a goldfish called Splashy.
She must be the woman who sneezed and her brain exploded

I think of you and your breasts all the morning, it makes me hot inside when I serve the fried eggs.

You're inviting someone else to write the final part, Harriet? How could they possibly match this deathless prose?