to kill all the spiders?

[bessarabiantiger]

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

Fat Albert watch update:

Pretty sure that his real name is fat Albertina.

Found a baby spider near the bath today

Oo, congratulations Wilhamena .

Aw, auntie wonka

Will I have to buy presents for each of them at Christmas?

Yes you will, seeing as how you missed the baby shower an all. It must be Albertina, she probably consumed Fat Albert after he'd done the deed. We can help you name them

wilhamena you realise that means there's a....

nest.

Eeek.

I have been away nailing all my kitchen appliances to the worktop...

As this is now an awful animal free-for-all I have copied and pasted today's email to Tesco...

Dear Tesco,

I'm writing to you about the unanticipated free gift I received with my Tesco Finest wild mushroom purchase from your Chichester store.

Having left the pack sealed until I returned from the gym today (best before 30th September) I was anticipating much delicious mushroomy goodness to accompany the eight tonnes of steak I have to eat on a regular basis on the orders of my personal trainer, who is enormous (I can best describe him as a door with a beard) and not to be crossed on these matters.

Having settled down to enjoy a Tesco quick-cook steak, kale (yum...) and aforementioned mushrooms, I was surprised to find that the cooking process appeared to have woken a large maggot which was now emerging from my dinner. The dinner with the mushrooms. The mushrooms I had already begun to consume...

Now, grateful as I am for any additional protein that can be hidden in my food, I generally require that it is slaughtered humanely prior to consumption and this chap was, and indeed is, very much alive.

I have left him the rest of my dinner, he's welcome to it.

At this stage I'm unsure of whether I am complaining (I can't eat my food. Food is important) or praising the freshness.

I shall await your response with interest.

Yours sincerely,
Mrs Bessarabian Tiger

Eeew eeew eeew!

Well quite.

Yes I know there's a nest probably. And there's no wine in the house to help me deal with that fact.
There's only Turkish delight vodka that I made last Christmas in a fit of festive enthusiasm. The fact of it still being there should tell you everything you need to know.

bess I've not slept for the past couple of nights thanks to children with colds and a apocalyptic sized spider throwing kitchen implements around the room during the night.
That's why your picture looked to me like a chicken foot.
No wonder you weren't happy to see that in a mushroom!

wonka

Plan of attack:

A: Pinch nose & neck sufficient amount of dutch courage.
B: Take remainder to last known spider site.
C: Distribute liberally.
D: Ignite.
E: (optional) Maniacal laughing.

had to read that three times. I don't want to pinch my nose and neck
Things are bad enough as they are
told you I was tired

Yeah, maybe get some sleep. Arm yourself with flamethrower.

Wonka hope you get some sleep - and alcohol in the house - soon.

Bess that is genuinely horrifying. I must say I thought your complaint letter was very polite, not sure I would have been.
Have they replied?

Not fat Albert. This one slipped under the radar and I found the nest while finally doing some housework.

Also found half a Grape under the sofa (thanks snacksizedwonka) covered in ants.

I should charge entry to the mini beast heaven that is my home

Tesco have responded and I'm ten English pounds the richer. Am spending it entirely on strawberry laces.

I want strawberry laces! I use them to make spider cakes at Halloween
Chocolate rice krispie cakes, strawberry laces covered in chocolate as legs, and mini marshmallow eyes with a black icing dot. And voilà, a spider cake.

Bess that's not very much under the circumstances. You could threaten to go to the Daily Mail, that's the kind of story they love. (Maggot in my dinner sad face.)

Have you seen this. If this happened in the UK I'd be looking suspiciously at ALL Y'ALL!!

Do not talk about strawberry laces! I love strawberry laces. I am 5000 miles from Strawberry laces....

Oh my god, the stupidity of some people.

Wonder if the spider survived, I'm thinking it probably ran off before the fireball.

This is horrifying and the picture of the spider really gives me the creeps so don't open if of nervous disposition Man Nearly Loses Leg After Spider Bite

Poor sod got bitten by a Brown Recluse on a flight from Qatar to South Africa. The spider WAS ON THE BLOODY PLANE!

IT'S LIKE SNAKES ON A PLANE. EXCEPT IT'S SPIDERS. SPIDERS ON A PLANE. AND ON YOUR CAR. AND FUCKING EVERYTHING!

Shouldn't this thread have exploded today? Or do we get until midnight & then turn into a spider infested pumpkin? I have no idea how the internet works.

If we do vanish into a puff of spider poop at midnight, can I just say how much youse lot have made me laugh. Spider season has been...well fucking horrendous, but mildly less so because you were all here to share it with me.

Thankyou - CANDLE POWERED MOOMIN GO-ROUNDS FOR EVERYONE!

I've reported your post and asked for this thread to go in classics, as I don't actually know how to nominate for classics. So reporting is the best I can do

That's very kind. I've printed it. Next year, when I'm up on a chair, petticoats aloft, screaming "THOMAAAAAASSS!" at the cat (who is called Angela) then I will re-read it and be in no way comforted.

I will laugh though.