to kill all the spiders?

[bessarabiantiger]

We live in the country, we're very lucky with our house and we've been here two years. There's a lake on the property and with lakes come mosquito hoardes (fine, live and let live, we knew about this when ee took the place, and with mosquito hoardes come spiders.

I am alright with most types of spider, I allow Huntsman (? Spindly legged) in every room as they're no bother and keep the mossies down when we have the windows open. Brown recluse get ejected with a glass & cardboard or eaten by the cat.

This year we have a problem with false widows and a kind we've never seen before. They are awful. Striped and with extra long front legs, they shamble across the ceiling as if they're drunk & often fall in your drink/dinner/hair.

We now have around 80 of the fuckers in the kitchen. They are making nests. For many people this wouldn't even be an issue. But me being me I've said to myself, well the windows are open, they aren't scaring me on purpose (even after the night I walked into the kitchen without turning the lights on and had one who was making a web land on my face. ARGH!) Etc. Etc.

We've used every natural repellant going. From plug-in spider scarers (knew they were bullshit but was at wits end last sept) to conkers, peppermint oil, spider hoover, removing them all outside (shudder. That was a horrible day) only to find a new gang there in the morning.

After me and DH being bitten this week (him on the neck, me on the hand WHILST ASLEEP IN BED! Hand swelled up for the next 24 hours, yes, it was a spider, found it crawling down my leg) I have finally and very reluctantly bought spider poison.

I am hoping someone can offer a better solution before I have to use it. DS has mild asthma and am worried about the effect on him (we will evacuate for the day after use) and it's an aersol as well as a poison. It sounds silly, but I've only ever used aerosol twice- the ozone layer was so drummed into me at school it feels akin to pooping straight down a whales blow hole!

AIBU to kill the spiders so they stop biting us? Has anyone got any other solution?

We break webs and remove visible offenders bi-daily BTW.

NO! Stay where you are! What if one of those poisonous spiders comes over with you!!! Fuck that shit!

We'll train it with pear drops & walk it around on a strawberry lace leash.

We shall call it Fernando.

I found you! I lost this thread when it got moved.

It's been pretty quiet here since 'The Beast'.

But what if it develops a taste for strawberry laces? Then it would eat through its leash and KILL US ALL!

lemmoooooooooonnn!

fatty you used to be fun...

But that's with non venomous spiders...ones that can kill me? Nope...

Trained venemous spiders. Who will pull my spider chariot and smite everyone in need of a good smiting.

Hmm, I suppose that would be OK. You could have a fizzy cola lace whip

Not to alarm you fatty but spiders can float hundreds of miles on the air. Ok granted not the big hairy tarantulas in my garden, they probably need a helping hand. Now in the interests of science we know where they're all going..Bess's house!!
I can start training a few Fernandos now, get them while they're young. Just between us , I learnt from another spider thread, that a black Brazilian tarantula can cost £100. £100!! I could sell all the ones in my garden and make a fortune, of course I would also potentially end up in prison Brazilian prison is not on my top ten list of things to do before I die but one or two little fernandos could hitch a ride

spiders can float hundreds of miles on the air. This is somehow scarier than Bess's sugar crazed killer spider army.

Actually, now I've seen it written down...

This is my spider pal, don't think he floats anywhere, in fact I'm not sure he does much at all - can't be very exciting spending all your time hiding under a chest of drawers. Perhaps they're all spending their days contemplating deep philosophical questions...

That thing would be dead if it lived in my house. It's not natural! Why? Just why?

We had one of those too Bimble. It's not deep in philosophical contemplation. It hates you and it wants to kill you.

Bimblepops - although you have failed to use the correct Bugle method of measurement, I think I can agree with Fatty in that your 'friend' there definitely constitutes a 'fuck that' and would also be dead by now if it showed up in my house.

I am having actually quite scary dreams about spiders. It's all the fault of this thread and talk of bloody sugar-crazed killer spiders and floating spiders (please let this not be true - I'm too scared to google it).

This one was extremely cross at being caught (okay, so I may have put the glass on a leg while catching it so it has reason to be angry )

god Bimble that should be paying rent! My mate found one like that and has named it Clarissa.

hudyer yes its tiny spiders and hatchlings that do the floating thing. They release a line of silk then launch into the breeze. The silk sort of acts like a parachute apparently. It enables them to move territory so a place doesn't get overcrowded. Its a bit like dandelion seeds.

Dragonratt holy shit, that beast is actually rearing up, not just a bit cross.

And so I may have been inhaling baby spiders when I've been in the garden and I've swept - what I assumed was - a bit of web off my face..?

No wonder I'm having bad dreams.

hydyerwheesht Yes, it did try to attack me...

If you inhale baby spiders they continue to mature in your stomach and then climb up through your mouth when you're asleep. True fact.

I'm reposting The Beast because I think they are all related.

Its a bit like dandelion seeds. it's it feck...dandelions conjure up visions of summer meadows, children's laughter, picnics and daisy chains. Baby spiders floating down from outer space on the other hand.....not such happy thoughts. You've been indoctrinated by the arachnid overlords!!

They parachute all over the fucking shop here. My window cleaner hates me.

bimble I'm trying to figure out how that picture happened. So far I have established this:

Bimble: Spider....spider! Come out. I need to take a picture of you for the internet.

Spider: No. I know this trick. You're going to twat me with Debretts aren't you?

Bimble: I'm really not. We just need you for comparison purposes. To see if you are larger or smaller than the one who landed on Steve's head. C'mon. I'll give you a quid.

Spider: Oh Steve! Why didn't you say so. [Poses]

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IT TO POSE?

dragon I'd have shot that. With a Blunderbuss. That said I spent far too long yesterday trying to convince a Mumsnetter
to release badgers into the office of her collegue. So my advice is probably best ignored.

lemon you are mean. Glad you're back.

hudyer sleep with Debretts under your pillow.

Trying to convince a Mumsnetter
to release badgers into the office of her collegue

Brilliant. I now want to go and hunt down badgers from the woods near my house, capture them and release them into my dads flat. That could be fun. And as he's a ground floor flat, I could video it .

I've named our latest spider Bess, in honour of this thread. No photos as she seems to be staying on the ceiling (for now ) but she's about the size of a 50p piece, legs included. Not sure how that compares on the APB scale though...

If you're after comedy wildlife I can supply a stick insect leg complete with smear of green goo under dd1 pillow and nits.

Fat Albert still hasn't reappeared...