Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

[MrsBertMacklin]

...and I was the only person who laughed.

That was the highlight of my day. Shit.

My mother once asked for a large can of Durex at Homebase. She was going to paint the front room with it.

Talking of Pearl Nicholas, I was once chatting online with a couple of German colleagues. "I bet you look really nice in a pearl necklace," said one. I responded with, "That's totally inappropriate! You can't say that!"

Turned out that he was talking about the sort of accessories made from oyster poo. Still inappropriate, but not as bad as I'd thought. And not clear until I'd ended up explaining other meanings of pearl necklace and why I'd been so horrified...

Explaining to a Belgian colleague that he meant, "sorry to bug you," and not "sorry to bugger you," also got a bit... confusing.

My in-laws are from Yorkshire, and use various phrases they assure me are common parlance in the area. One time when my FIL had fallen asleep on the sofa, my MIL told me he was still 'hard on'.

I nearly injured myself trying to keep a straight face. It's a good job I don't live there.

What's the other meaning of a pearl necklace?

OP that could be messy!

I have, on more than one occasion signed off my emails with Man thanks or Many tanks.

I've posted before about my friends fiberotic Xmas tree! Still makes me laugh imagining it decorated with dildos and cock rings instead of twinkly lights!

In a Maths lesson my teacher once discovered that she hadn't enough worksheets for everyone. She was only about 5 short and in her frustrated shouted "Oh, blow me!!"
The room full of 15yr al but died laughing.

I, as a very innocent (approx) 9yr old was trying to remember the lyrics of a song.
"What's that song, mum? You know "Take me home, something something something, WEST VAGINA!!"
I was mortified and still cringe at the memory.

My parents laughed for years about a small ad in the back of the local paper which advertised a 'Fully upholstered three-piece shite'.

TheCunnyFunt, here is the urban dictionary definition of pearl necklace. Please be aware that this is definitely not safe for work.

"one of the highest expressions of love and affection bestowable upon a woman by a man." Yeah, sure.

That's gross.

My DD asked me why I wasn't crapping on her today when she was using the toilet. Turns out she meant to ask why I wasn't clapping.

Reading this thread while my DP plays a computer game and the character announces "i need both hands for my weapon".

I worked in a student accommodation and part of my job was to log any maintenance and repair requests that students had. In the shared flats there were four tall bar-style stools around the breakfast bar and someone phoned the office to say that one of them was very wobbly. I wrote a brief note to myself before logging it officially online, reread the words "loose stool" and laughed so hard I had to put the phone down.

Whoops!

No you cunt

but jizz does have a particular meaning in bird watching that is nothing to do with sperm!! Awkward...

Loose stool :o :o :o

I was on a packed platform waiting for a train with my lovely parents and DH (who was DF then) when my Mom starts complaining about how she doesn't like the M&S dine in offer anymore because 'there is too much pulling the pork going on'! Me and my Dad couldn't stop laughing but DH was

TheCunnyFunt

I'm glad I'm not the only one who laughs at things like that!

Penrith Station's platform sign is AWESOME.

As is Mega Clitz/Cutz.

Once took my slightly vague Mum to see her slightly vaguer sister. Conversation came around to my cousin (Aunt's daughter) who had had to buy a new car as "Her old red vulva had finally broken down and had to be scrapped".........neither Mum nor Aunt understood why I spat my tea on the carpet!

And when my DS was younger, he announced to his classroom that "Daddy had a boner at work so bought a new laptop"......Bonus, child, BONUS!!

Some time ago my three year old told me proudly that he and a friend were playing "minges"...... further investigation revealed it was a ninjas/minions hybrid.

At school I was supposed to say organism in answer to a question in front of whole class and said orgasm..... oh the humiliation.

I just said cunt in a team mtg. Meant to say cut. I manage people; they were there as was my boss.

Not at work, but at a ceilidh with a group of friends. One girl didn't really know what she was doing, and had been dancing with one of my male friends but they'd stopped halfway through as it had all gone wrong.

Another song started, and he offered to dance with her again, she asked if he was sure, and he replied "Oh yes, I'll just wank you round harder this time".

Unfortunate hybrid of whip/yank there... And English isn't his first language, so he didn't realise what he'd said. There was silence for a few seconds before the rest of us got the giggles