Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

[MrsBertMacklin]

...and I was the only person who laughed.

That was the highlight of my day. Shit.

I use the word "account" a lot at work.

I might once have spelled it "acocunt" in a staff email.

Farmer Giles

This isn't dirty but I once wrote in a nursery report for a child who has favism (G6PD deficiency, where eating beans and pulses causes haemolytic anaemia and often requires a blood transfusion) that he had been 'full of beans' that day. His mother didn't speak good English and thought we had fed him beans.

Here there are several branches of the burger chain Fuddruckers, and the advertising features a happy family sitting eating burgers with the words "fudds to go" under it. I can't go past any of the branches without completely losing it and it is not as though I can explain the joke to MIL...

There is also a shop called Pido Gift Shop near my house which specializes in stuffed toys and chocolate.

OMG DeadCert! One of those nightmare errors that the spell check will miss! Spell checks should be updated for words that are correct but you almost certainly didn't mean them in a work context, e.g. "pubic".

I work with Europeans so they wouldn't laugh at jizz either. In fact one of them kept saying "spunk" instead of "Splunk" (Splunk is a technology company) and I had to say "Please, PLEASE, never make that mistake in front of British people because they will howl with laughter". This guy does a lot of presentations so it's a real possibility he would say it in front of an audience.

They didn't really believe me, they thought I was being difficult as usual

My brother once addressed a job application letter dear sir or madman. Didn't realise till it was in the post. This was years ago and I still chuckle when I think about it.
By the way my MD would laugh if someone said Jizz it up in a meeting but our meetings are generally light hearted and accompanied by cakes.

My FIL also can't say the word 'beach'. It always comes out 'bitch' so he will talk about taking the kids to the bitch, playing on the bitch. Once he asked for directions to bitch city. And DH has FORBIDDEN ME FROM LAUGHING!

I once worked as a stock controller for dry baking goods. Picking an order for some dried yeast, there was a shortage. So I rang up my customer and said "Hey Glen, I've got a yeast problem".

birthday jewellery shopping with same mother.
sister and i both snigger every time we go into a shop and mother says she wants a pearl necklace.

I didn't realise the meaning of nonce and had being using it to mean someone was being a bit daft .

Audacity! That's hilarious!

Back to a PP's comment re golden showers - there is rose called Golden Shower. Some wag has planted a row of them outside the toilets in Regents Park! It always makes me snigger when I see them.

I play Online Scrabble with my Aunty, who is 82. I would normally sacrifice any amount of points to get down a rude word but I am careful not to offend her sensibilities. However gloves are off now, since she got "fisted" on a triple.
Oh stand his mates have spent several days suggesting a word list for Aunty Pat, they all think it is hilarious. I am not sure whether to say anything to her or not.

Audacity, me too. I couldn't understand why DH was so cross when I called him it!

My mum thought saying twat was like saying twit so went round calling her genteel 70 something friends it for a bit.

Oh God audacity I did the same too. It was only when I called my dad that (at the grand old age of 32) and he asked me if I knew what it meant did I look it up.

It still makes me cringe

The 'retards' thing happened to me as well and in fact just now I nearly wrote 'I've done retards too' which makes twice, I guess but without the 'kind' part. Essentially:

Dear people I work for,

Could you please remember to do this thing, not this thing, for this reason.

Retards,
Shaska

Wasn't good, and I think a couple of them didn't believe that I meant regards.

I hate that word but that is funny

I got an email from a supplier the other day where they had written 'discunt' instead of 'discount'

We have a quote book at work - best thing ever.

"Hey Glen, I've got a yeast problem".

I'm afraid I've done the kind retards thing too. It's easily done if you have long fingernails since the t is above the g

Ok enough R words

DH was giving a presentation in USA using a whiteboard. Having filled he board he turned those assembled and asked if anyone had a rubber. Eraser is correct terminology and whole place erupted.

I work for a large company, and we're currently working with external contractors to update our IT system. We've asked for some extra bits and pieces to be added to the original requirement. The extras are referred to as "bolt ons".

Our Team Leader recently came and asked for an update on progress. My boss inadvertantly said "strap ons" instead of bolt ons. The conversation continued for several minutes with my boss complete unable to remember the correct phrase and reffering to strap ons the whole time. The rest of us were bright red, desperately trying not to burst out laughing. Either the team leader didn't know what it meant or did a sterling job of letting the error slide .

i have done something on purpose to break the ice in a meeting in Spain

My Spanish isn't the best but I can present in it (as their English is worse) so I had to talk about products with no additives or preservatives and translated it literally to "preservativo" which means condom

everybody laughs, I apologise for my Spanish and ice is broken... has worked all the times I have done it so far!