Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

[MrsBertMacklin]

...and I was the only person who laughed.

That was the highlight of my day. Shit.

I'm sorry, I did go off on a tandem with the penis story. I just needed to share.

On topic, there was another boss at work called Knut (Norwegian fellow). Extremely easy whilst quickly typing an email to him to address him as Kunt.

I once typed a letter that contained the phrase '...because you had use of a company cat'. Luckily I proof-read it before posting because it should have said company car!

Have snorted rather a lot while reading this

I worked somewhere that took large payments from customers, often international, which meant that often you would need to call through to the bank to put the payment through. One day one such international customer with the exceedingly unfortunate surname of 'Dikshit' made a rather large payment. I had to call up the bank and spell it out rather than say it when they asked for the customer's surname. I was trying so hard to act like it was all just normal.

I have also made the busy/busty mistake with 'I appreciate you are busty'.

LOLing at "strap ons" used instead of "bolt ons" :)

I sent a text to a parent to say 'the sweatshits you ordered have arrived' - she arrived laughing to collect them and showed me what I'd sent.

A friend of mine doing a science PGCE taught a whole lesson about creepy crawlies because she was worried she would say orgasm instead of organism!

Similar... I was at a lecture, some years ago, where the lecturer kept talking about naturists when he meant naturalists . You just knew that beforehand he had thought, must not make that mistake!

Great thread, laughing here reading it.

I've also typed discount as discocunt

I can never remember the phonetic alphabet official Yankee Zulu things so I make up my own as I go along depending on what I can see in the room that begins with the correct letter, I'm sure it must be more interesting to have people spell stuff out using sofa, banana and toaster than everyone using the official ones

Laughing so much im struggling to breathe!

For our big functions, we send out formal invitations, printed on nice card, which my boss insists on calling 'stiffies'. Makes me snigger uncontrollably every time

When I was young and stoopider I used to think that albeit was pronounced allbite. Pronounced it like that for years until I heard someone say all be it and the penny dropped.

I love tea bag me baby, that's brilliant!

My colleague couldn't fit the words Monthly Analysis on a file so she labelled it Monthly Anal

And when a wee 5 year old girl I was teaching wrote about how the ant wouldn't let the hungry grasshopper come into his house for some food she wrote "No you cunt"
She meant can't. I wish I'd shown it to her mum.

In an otherwise dull philosophy lecture many moons ago, the lecturer gave an example of a person who had a certain unspecified property: "P"

She then went on and on about this person's "P-ness" , and what that P-ness said about them, etc. The whole lecture hall were quietly imploding.
You'd think she'd realise after the first one or two, but those P-nesses just kept coming (so to speak)!

1. Received an email from a female colleague that opened with "I am a bi curious..."

(she was in fact a bit curious!)

1. A woman at work was worrying all day about her cat that was at the vets having an op. She was going to collect it on her way home. As she left the office my colleague in all innocence shouted across the floor "Night Emma! I hope your pussy's OK!"

Emma scurried out quickly looking quite flustered.

As a young teen we played a game with mumand dad where you had to name things that began with a cetain letter. I yelled loudly that planet was Vagina. Went very red and the noisy game went all quiet......

My Gran once told us about a private plane crash near to where she lived. It crashed in a field, plane was a write-off but luckily the pilot ejaculated just before it happened

These are hilarious...really should be asleep but can't stop reading & silent giggling!

I once said to a member of my team 'sorry to keep buggering you'...I meant bugging!! We both awkwardly ignored it

MsAdorabell I'm so glad I'm not the only one who used to say allbite! I said it during an incredibly heated and serious discussion with two friends who were

My mum always asks after my cat. The first time she met my (then new) DP she goes "How's your pussy?", and I couldn't help but snort with laughter. My DP enthusiastically blurts out "Great!" before slapping his hand over his mouth...

At work I was explaining to a new young male colleague how to set up a particular bit of equipment. Before I could stop to think I was telling him that it's so much easier and better if you do it from behind.

I've also typed disocunt on many an occasion, not helped with one job where I was probably typing the word discount about 10 times a day.

Also typed shite for white. Again, not helped when I worked for an EA where I typed 'shite bathroom suite' (fortunately, I noticed at draft stage).

In Spain I once got my genders muddled up and announced that I'd cooked a cock.

A colleague was organising an event and had a spreadsheet of attendees. Some would be going to a specialist workshop in the afternoon so she highlighted their names in a different colour on the spreadsheet. She then proceeded to refer to them as "coloured folk", not once but many times, and how we needed to keep the coloured folk separate.