Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

[MrsBertMacklin]

...and I was the only person who laughed.

That was the highlight of my day. Shit.

In an Irish pub in Warsaw, back in the late 1990s, was a large sign bearing an interesting mish-mash English translation of two common, welcoming messages.

It read:

"Feel yourself at home"

Friend of mine wanted a panini heating up in Waitrose. She said to the assistant "could you heat this poonani for me please?"

When I was about 13 I begged my mum & dad to get a durex puppy (I meant Andrex puppy, but got it mixed up with the Dulux dog )

Sat in a packed travel agents with dh, the lovely young gentleman agent was explaining a few tricks of the trade, used to try to blag room upgrades and freebies in hotels. He was explaining of the best tricks is to tell the hotel you are honeymooning, and for added authenticity, he always advises ladies to give their wedding ring a good polish!
I just couldn't help myself shouting at the top of my voice exclaiming 'haha polish your ring, ladies' to the shop at large, whilst dh sat furiously embarrassed and the young man was desperately trying to ignore my outburst.

I had to go to a hospital with a colleague as part of my job. We arrived at the department and were hanging round one of the offices. One of the nurses working there said she was off home and was having the next few days off for a long weekend. Off she goes. A minute later she comes back in the office and picks her mug up. One of the other nurses said "I thought you were going?", other nurse replies "I've just come back to wash my mug, I don't want to have to come back and drink from a furry cup!"

My colleague and I did try hard to stifle giggles whilst trying to maintain a professional and authoritative image (we are in uniform). Still not sure we managed it.