Someone in a work meeting today said 'jizz it up' instead of jazz it up

[MrsBertMacklin]

...and I was the only person who laughed.

That was the highlight of my day. Shit.

yesterday i said to my boss

do you want me on the floor tomorrow?

(i meant working out on tbe factory floor...) he just laughed for about 5 mins....

My husband and I at the registrar with our newborn;

Me: he's called Harry Alexander
Registrar: is that your name? (Looks to husband)
Husband: no I hate my names. Particularly my middle name.
Registrar: oh surely not!
Husband: it's Kanti (pronounced so it sounds very like Cunty)
Me: (without thinking) it's a family name. Every male has it. Well not this one, (nods at husband) he's the last cunt in the family.

I honestly meant to say the name but cunt just fell out.

Pearl Nicholas!

Meandered into the pet shop one afternoon following my Dad, (who enjoys the local wild life in the garden), just in time to overhear Dad ask the nice man behind the counter if he had fat balls. I turned around and walked out again.

My mum was a high school teacher and on the last day of term asked the class what their choice of subject would be for discussion. the pupils were teenagers and said 'sex'. My mother, wanting to be modern and open minded said 'well, okay, but you have to respect the fact that in my day sex was strictly under the table'. She never lived it down.

I went to the pub with a Canadian colleague. At some point I had a drink in each hand and she looked at me and declared "You're double -fisting!". Had to gently explain that this has a somewhat different meaning in the uk

Referring to the postal strike that was taking place, I once sent a company wide email announcing that I had 'pooped in the post office' on my way to work. One of the directors replied all and simply said 'I hope you cleaned up after yourself....'

My boss is rather naive and doesn't always know the meanings of rude words. One day another manager came into our office and told us to bring ideas to the team meeting tomorrow and jokingly said anyone with no ideas would get 'debagged' (trousers pulled down in humiliation apparently). A few of us thought he said 'tea bagged' and laughed about how that would be an extreme punishment. Naive boss overheard and laughed (which I was surprised by as didn't think she'd know what tea-bagging was).

Next day in the team meeting - that 2 new people who had started that very day were attending - naive boss 'joked' that the punishment for bad ideas was a tea-bagging from the other manager. Newbies faces were a bit . She went on to say throughout the meeting, when anyone mentioned they hadn't done something or were late on a deadline etc, "well that's one tea-bagging for you!" Everyone was too scared to correct her (who wants to explain in front of a room of people to their boss what tea-bagging is after all).

After the meeting we drew straws as to who was to have a quiet word with her about what it meant. Poor boss was mortified. Turns out she thought it meant burning each other with hot tea bags

We had a work meeting once at which the owner of the company got everyone together in the boardroom to tell us about a new system that would allow us to book our annual leave, log sick days etc online. It was also apparently going to let people manage their pensions, health insurance, and so on.

Or, as Peter said, "You can go online and play with your package."

Crying at "that's one tea-bagging for you!"

An elderly Malaysian statistician I worked with confused 'Bottoms up!' with 'Up your bottom!' at Xmas drinks. We adopted it as our drinking mantra for ages.

I once had a minor haemorrhage in my arm. I told my friend when back from waving it at the GP & they said; it can't have been a haemorrhage or you'd be dead, so I decided it must have been a haemorrhoid & spent rest of day telling everyone I'd had a haemorrhoid in my arm.

DH had an accountant at his work, Margaret, who one day kept complaining about a loose tuppence.

Standing in the work tea room with two colleagues, one female, one male, the female colleague started to comment on the new styrofoam cups and their texture, "My cup's really hairy!" She declared enthusiastically. I caught the eye of male colleague and we stifled giggles. Because I hadn't responded she carried on, "Chris! Chris?! My cup's really hairy! Is your cup hairy like mine? Go on have a feel!"

At this point childish me and male colleague can't respond for laughing. Whilst she carried on, "what's so funny? It is hairy! Feel it if you don't believe me! Chris, your cup must be hairy too. Let me have a feel!"

:o

I am very juvenile.

I once sent a work email to a bunch of people where my spell checker had corrected my use of a collegues name to... Labial. I still cringe about it now!

I write an email to make colleague and accidentally added a kiss to the end without thinking

I have just weed myself at the 'kunti' he's the last cunt story

deep breath

Thank you, I needed that laugh!

*male colleague not make

Used to write for a newspaper. Had to write one about kids going on a farm trip.

'Kids from so and so school donned their wellies for a trip to the farm'

Only autocorrect changed wellies to willies

So inappropriate!

When I was pregnant a male colleague asked if I had any fetishes. He meant cravings, as I pointed out to him after I had lifted my chin off the floor.

This will out me as I put it on FB when it happened at the time, so I've NC. Leela's post reminded me:

As dairy farmers, our vet wrote a report about the latest nasty disease to afflict cattle and in the section about how to try to prevent it, she put:

Visitors to the farm should ensure if they visit other farms they are in clean clothing and wash boots and willies before entering the farm

Oh how we chuckled at the thought!

My brother lives abroad and so his English is sometimes a little rusty. On his last trip back to visit, I sat next to him at a big family dinner. I asked him if he wanted a spoonful of vegetables and he replied
"Spoon me, bolshy!".

Erm no, DB, that's not going to happen.....

I just spent the day with BIL and his friends. They are all non native speakers of english and BIL was explaining to his friend that my DS (11 months) loves MIL's cat who is called Cookie so much that his name was DS's first word. He proceeded to tell him that DS says cock all the time, and I had to sit there not laughing as they all sat around calling out 'cock cock cock' to the cat who was wandering about. For the record, DS says kook.