ridiculous topics for marital rows

[whendotheyleavehome]

OK, so I caught myself getting cross at hubby when on family holiday for having fruit and fibre for breakfast as he was 'obviously' trying to engineer more 'me time' on the loo away from the kids.

Please, please tell me I'm not the only one to have picked THE most ludicrous fight? Other examples please....or am I a lone witch?...

Me and DH had been joking around about what we would do in an Apocolypse. DH said I was too soft as I wouldn't want to eat the cats. Massive argument, especially as he said he would eat my Mum too if necessary!!!!
We shared this argument later with friends ( laughing about it by then)when we had all been drinking. Friend said " yuk no I wouldn't meat your Mum" to his GF and she had a massive strop that he wouldn't eat her mum and flounced off to bed.
DH was best man at their wedding a year later and he mentioned it in the speech!!

IKEA: yellow bag (me) or trolley (him) why can't we just have both?

I once argued with my partner about the surname our non existent children would have if we were to have them before we were married. It ended with him saying 'fine then, we'll get married then if you are pregnant." and me then claiming "no, they are still having my my surname anyway".

We are now married, I have his surname and we still don't have children! It was the most pointless argument ever. As it happens, there has been discussions (suggested by my now husband) about any future children having my maiden name as a middle name.

A thought has just occured. I wonder if Ikea have ever been blaimed in divorce procedings?

Food is probably what we argue about the most and its always the same argument.

Me: DH what would you like for tea? I've cooked all week and run out of ideas

DH: I don't know what do you want?

Me: if I knew what I wanted do you think I would be asking you what you fancied?

DH: Yeah but what do you fancy, If you tell me what you want I'll cook it.

Me; Its not the cooking, its the thinking of something to make that we haven't already had.

DH I'll just have some toast.

Me: and what about the rest of the family there's not just you that needs feeding.

at this point I give up and phone for pizza.

We have a few:

When he does lengthy mental arithmetic for fun (nearly left him on a roadtrip in Oregon)

Rules of the road vs pragmatic behaviour for cyclists (he is one in London and had a nasty accident which involved 3 months off work so triggering, but ridiculous nonetheless)

How his IT/gadget illiteracy becomes my problem, usually when I'm trying to cook dinner

I do love him very much and we don't row often!

We rowed bitterly over opportunities for mature students on higher education and drove over 100 miles in frosty silence. We were 19 and 22 at the time.

Oh the driving in frosty silence has reminded me of another one.

I wasn't a very confident driver, DH is a terrible passenger.

We had a new car and were driving 50 miles to a wedding, we'd decided I would drive there to get experience of the car in the daylight, get a feel for the route, etc etc.

About 5 miles in, a big hay lorry pulls out at a roundabout on a single lane road.

DH: Watch! WATCH! Hold back! Watch OUT!

Me: (panicking at unseen hazard) what? What?

DH: those big lorries. They can topple over you know!

Me: thanks for pointing that out at the top of your voice and giving me a heart attack, I'll overtake when it's safe.

DH: NO! Do NOT overtake here!

Me: I won't, it's not safe here

DH: It's not safe here!

Me: Oh for fuck sake....

Our current row is the fact that we are soon moving house and DP has decided he wants to build us a wardrobe. Great idea and will help utilise the space we have as we are used to a very large built-in wardrobe currently. My reservation is that the last time a member of his family had an idea, it was his Dad ripping down the kitchen ceiling on Boxing Day with the intention of re-doing the kitchen and building an extension. That was 22 years ago and they are still without a kitchen ceiling...

Stbxh and I had a humdinger about spreadable butter. If it's not really hot,
I keep it in the cupboard. He always puts it in the fridge. It doesn't spread properly from the fridge. "But it says on the packet, it spreads straight from the fridge". "Yes DH, I appreciate that's what it says, but it actually doesn't, so I just leave it in the cupboard and then it's fine". Cue him having a massive, Basil Fawlty style rant about how he was going to report Lurpack to Trades Descriptions and how I was just far too accommodating and will always take the path of least resistance instead of "FUCKING SORTING THINGS OUT PROPERLY" We didn't speak for about 3 days

When we had just started living together now-DH stole a piece of toast that I had just buttered. He was on the wrong side of a very hissy fit and couldn't understand why I was so upset. Fucker's never stolen food from me since then.

My dh does the "ill just have toast thing" it drives me fucking insane. What about the rest of us?

For some reason my husband gets irrationally annoyed if I pretend to have a tapeworm. By this I mean that once, when I was really hungry even thought I had eaten recently I said 'I'm hungry again - I must have a tapeworm'. He got a bit riled about it, so naturally I felt compelled to say it again which resulted in him getting increasingly furious and me finding it increasingly hilarious.

But knackeredmum, buffalo mozzarella IS made with buffalo milk? Why would it be buffalo mozzarella otherwise? What was their reasoning for that?

ExH & I have had some blazing rows about games, mainly him beating me at them - I'm a terrible loser :/

If he beat me at a game it's because he is obviously either cheating or doesn't love me very much. I remember one game where he dared to knock me out of the game before the only other remaining player, I was adamant he should have left me till last! I recall screaming and crying at him 'but I'm your wife'!!!!

We also had a massive argument about him not wanting to have sex with me because he was too busy playing on the computer - I was heavily pregnant with ds2, raging horny and he was being extremely unfair by not attending to my needs :D I screamed, 'FINE, DON'T FUCK ME THEN', stormed off and immediately burst into tears :/ Then realised I was BU :(

Putting up the Christmas tree......every year causes trouble! We get a real tree and for some reason always end up having a furious row when he is trying to jam the bloody scratchy thing in the base holder while I try to hold the sodding thing "straight! Straighter!!!! That's not straight!!!"
But the worst row ever was when we tried to put a greenhouse up together,.OH is a carpenter so apparently that means all instructions that come with anything to be assembled are superfluous...that led to me stalking off leaving him holding up a whole side of glass...

shobby - the Christmas Tree debacle in our house every year is exactly the same. I have these misty eyed visions of us all round the three, the smell of mulled wine in the air, the carols tootling in the background but what I actually get is the DCs avoiding us at all costs and me and DH screeching obscenities at each other.

Our biggest row was about the disposal of a tea bag though...

We have a running argument about which restaurant we got engaged in. A 37 year running argument. Seriously.

DH only eats once a day (don't start me on that one...).

Quite often he will rock up at 6pm and say 'oh, nothing for me, I had a lunch'.

As I meal plan and shop accordingly, there will be food not cooked/eaten by his not having his chicken breast/pork chop/whathaveyou.

He then looks in the bin 'You do waste food!'

cue Krakatoa...

DH uses a spreadable er spread (rather than butter or marge) on his bread/toast etc. It contains about 20% butter.

He insists on calling it butter.

It isn't butter.

(We have butter in the fridge for baking.)

When he calls it butter I feel the need to point out that it isn't butter. He maintains that his spread has a stronger claim on being called butter than my chosen spread (generic supermarket buttermilk and veg oil spread). I maintain that that argument is irrelevant because I would never claim that my spread is butter and call it by its brand name and not butter.

We realised it had got out of hand when I noticed my DD2 looking slightly worried as to how she should refer to said spread.

Apparently "Daddy's disgusting cheap spread" is a bit aggressive according to DH.

(But I am right.)

These are hilarious. I get SO MAD when my DH asks "how hungry are you?" before dishing up. I just want a portion a normal ADULT portion. I am not greedy, I am not dieting. I hate hate hate it. Just serve the fucking food damn you.

DH actually cannot make a decision on his own about anything in family life.

me: What do you want for dinner?
him: Well what do you want?
me: asking you what you feel like?
him: You know me, I'll eat anything.
me:

me: What shall we do this weekend?
him: What do you want to do?

Everything is put to me as a question, so I think I have to answer it. Rather than a statement.
him: The kids should have a bath tonight?

me: erm, are you asking or telling?

Telling the kids things toooooo early, such as first thing in the morning DS1 just out of the shower
him: bath tonight then kids
DS1: I JUST HAD A SHOWER / DS2: ME DON'T WANT A BATH, ME WANT SHOWER NOW (cue child undressing that had just been dressed 5mins before)
him: erm......what did I say?

I just withdraw into my own bubble of happiness

Me and DH had a massive row the other night over the pronunciation of 'pestle'.

Ongoing rows include:

The Smiths Are Brilliant (me) vs They're Crap & Morrissey Can't Sing (him), which he escalates by doing shit inpressions of Mozza.

His congenital inability to put anything in the sink to soak. Next to the sink, yes. In it, no. He does 50% of housework without me having to point it out (what with him being an adult too), but this drives me mad.

Also, he is one of those people who loses and misplaces everything. Picks something up, forgets what he was going to do with it, then puts it down or away ALWAYS in an incredibly bizarre place. Also, once he has stopped doing something, it is like it's never happened. So, he'll change DS's pull-up but leave the dirty nappy on the floor, because he has mentally moved on. Grrrrr.

Whether if you go east around the world you eventually end up going west. Probably the longest argument we ever had.

Whether or not unorganized of the bread should be toasted when making cheese on toast ( both sides obviously!). This was our first ever argument.

Blackout blinds - the baby wont sleep past 4.30 am without but my dp says they disrupt his circadian rhythm and make it impossible to get up for work which apparently is "a really cruel thing to do to someone". Oh fine, I'll just get up at 4.30 every bloody morning then shall I?

Sorry, that one's still fresh in my mind.

The words to the last line of five little monkeys.

The existence of ghosts / the soul /obe' s / psychic abilities I've had a few unusual experiences and my do is a hard-core atheist and clearly thinks I'm either mad, lying or v. Confused.

Who should move beds when his epic snoring keeps me awake.

Grammar and the meanings of words are a favourite.

Basically, we will argue about anything - the more pointless the better.