House rules I forgot to make.

[CadleCrap]

Don't comb the soap.

Do not try to put rasins in your 3 week old sisters mouth. Saying "she was hungry" does not make it any better.
Do not tip juice from your cup on the same sister.
Sudocrem is not sun cream or carpet shampoo.

Crying here!!

do not use your baby brother's face as a colouring book - purple metallic felt tip pen does not look good on his eye lids.
nor does green on his hair, blue on his lips or pink in his ears.

do not take your grobag, sleepsuit and nappy off in the middle of night then pee yourself.
do not wake me up shrieking at 3 am, because you woke up freezing cold from being naked and wet. (waking me up is ok, shrieking is not)

do not flood the upstairs bathroom in Grandma's house on Boxing Day causing all things electric to short circuit in the kitchen.
indoor rain is not "wow"

do not try to hang yourself as a joke to scare the girl next door.

when she is hysterical and runs to tell that you jumped into a hole from a tree with a rope around your neck and miscalculated the distance and very nearly killed yourself - do not celebrate.

the fact that you nearly died is not equal to "mission accomplished", no matter how white her face went.

(true story, happened 30 years ago. utter idiots!)

do not eat your uncle's biggest goldfish

do not release all the rest of the goldfish back to the sea by flushing them down the toilet

do not dress the dog in your pyjamas

do not cut off your eyelashes

do not brush your teeth with soap to spite your family

do not play with grandma's false teeth. do not hide them either

do not run through a glass door because you are having a tantrum

do not cook unbroken eggs in the microwave oven - experiments like this will not make you a scientist

no shaking up unopened cans & bottles of fizzy drinks - not at home, not in the shops, not anywhere

boys - do not try on my bras. just no!

do not clean DVDs with CIF

no arranging baby's fingers so it looks like s/he's giving the finger.

no taking pictures this arrangement either or of your poo, saliva, snot or doing a wee.

no getting the dog drunk

there's no such thing as a Barbie autopsy

Do not launch yourself at the whirly washing line pole from a chair playing fireman's pole. Garrotting yourself is not the look of the season. nasty red lines across throat after being lifted down

Do not swallow ball bearings even if they do look like silver peas.

Do not throw away one of my shoes causing me to spend weeks looking again and again behind the sofa.

Do not colour in your privates with my favourite lippy.

Do not chop a whole melon aged 4 with the biggest knife you can find whilst it's rolling around on the counter top.

Do not tell your grandparents with great excitement about the dairy, leading them to believe you want to see the cows, and leaving them nonplussed to find themselves cajoled into buying ice cream in a NZ corner shop.

Morning biscuit crumbs are welcome with your grandparents in their bed but I do not want them in mine. the crumbs not the grandparents Actually both!

Do not put your hand in between my legs and help me wipe, mid pee. I do not need help from a 2 year old, you will get a wet hand and it doesn't speed things up! Let me pee in peace!!!

Hiariois thread! Have read the whole thing!

My own:
Do not put stickers in your ear resulting in 2 trips to hospital to have it removed.
Do not put beads in your ears. Or up your nose.
Do not put peas up your nose.
JUST DON'T PUT THINGS IN YOUR EARS OR UP YOUR NOSE.

Do not throw mummy's phone over the fence onto the train line.

Do not wear character shoes to preschool.

Stop walking around the house in my best high heels. You'll break your neck. Or worse; my shoes!

Stop giving your 5yo brother a makeover. Yes he does look pretty but he enjoys it far too much!

Do not play golf with dried dog poo in the garden. Our NDN do not like it.

[Message to me and DSis about 30 years ago ]

do not open the dettol.

do not pour dettol on your baby brother.

do not drink the dettol.

do not let the dog out onto the main road.

do not light a gas burner under a plastic teapot to make a cuppa.

you do not need to empty your brother's colostomy bag. in the middle of the night. all over mummy and daddy's room.

when asked to find something round, do not suggest my (not pregnant) friend's tummy. or her breasts.

do not ask your teacher if she's been decorating (she's going grey).

do not practice being a tightrope walker on the landing banister.

do not hang out of the window to paint the house. do not paint the house with talcum powder mixed with water.

You are NOT the fecking Andrex puppy

You are NOT Buzz !ightyear
No, you cannot fly

not can Buzz, it transpired

NOR ffs

kill a joke stone dead why don't you

Springy

Do not put your pet ferret in your rucksack, take it to school and leave in the cloakroom.

New one especially for DS3 (2y3mo).

Don't wash your hair with your juice. NO, it does NOT make your hair 'ceeeen'. It makes it very far from clean, and means that I DO actually have to wash your hair at 9am after being stuck to the toilet all night with a bowl in my hands...

No we don't make it rain in the house.

We keep willys in our pants.

Do not stand on a chair and do a wee out of the letterbox.

The neighbours do not want you to wee on the shared walkway, nor see you willy.

Sunny, my DH points out that it's better that way than standing on a chair weeing INTO the letterbox!

It is nice to play games involving imaginary mice, but when Mummy and Daddy really really want to get the house sold and a nice surveyor has come round to look at it so he can tell they buyers its not going to fall down any time soon and we have no mouse infestation, please don't tell him "oh look, mouse ran under couch" or point under the kitchen cupboard and say "big mouse nest in there. Really big. With little mouse babies."

As they say....better inside pissing out than outside pissing in!

Been thinking in terms of house rules all weekend thanks to this thread!

Don't reuse your father's tissues.

Don't ride your bike at the baby.

Don't ride your bike at the baby saying "excuse legs" - she doesn't understand.

Don't expect 2yr old to understand baby not understanding "excuse legs".

Don't put the playpen outside in the shed - it'll be raining when you need it.

For DD
Don't leave tiny figures/toys on the floor.

Don't ask random people to pick your nose.

For DD & DP
Underwear/Dirty washing needs to be picked up by the person who dumps it on the floor.

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To neighbours
I am not a baby sitter and will require money if you want me to become one.